Full-Filled

It feels so good to love, and be loved. To share interests, and to learn differences. To know intimacy can be infinite, and your capacity to love is limitless.
It feels good to be challenged, to be pushed, and to be supported. To be in the company of someone who makes your mind, body and soul feel at home and at peace.
It feels good to look forward to the beginning of every day, and the end of every night. To get random texts that are laced with sentiment, for no reason other than to make you smile.
It feels good to make sense of the unknown with someone who is just as perplexed as you by the complexities of life. To explore the corners of each other's mind in an effort to decipher, or make sense of the shared connection that seems too good to be real.

I've missed this. All of this. I've missed it so much, and have wanted it so much, that I have tried to assign inexact meaning and feelings to people and situations. Misplaced and misguided emotions have provoked confusion and further pain. And perspective was, at times, dysfunctional. All because I've been so thirsty for someone or something that could offer the above mentioned desires. Just so thirsty.

But I started thinking about that thirst. And it hit me. If I'm so thirsty for something, it means my cup is... empty. My cup does not runneth over. You see, my relationship was the shelter for my being. But what was it sheltering? I don't know, anymore... that's the part of me I lost along the way. But that's not a terrible discovery. It simply means I get to find out who I am outside of identifying myself as a co-pilot in this flight of life. Exciting, right?

If my cup is empty, I have very little of MYSELF to offer. I have PLENTY to offer as a partner, as a friend, as a sister/daughter/aunt, and as a professional. But what about as a person? I don't know how to answer that without identifying myself as a part of those roles.

If we fill our cups with good, good will eventually spill out of us and into others. If we don't nurture the good in us, it becomes tainted, surely to produce a drout. How can we expect to meet the needs of another person when we don't feel like we have what it takes to meet our own needs? How can we be our own person if we keep drinking from other's cups instead of filling our own?

I keep saying I wish I could skip this part of healing and get to the part of my happily ever after. But why? Why would I want to skip this freedom to rediscover what makes me, me? When I meet someone, I want to be someone. I want to be confident that what makes up my persona is so extraordinary that it doesn't matter if it doesn't work out with someone else... because I'm happy with who I am, and i want someone who appreciates that about me.

If I were to get into a relationship right now, I could almost guarantee life would start to revolve around them. About what makes them happy, what makes them smile, and what I could do to show them how much they mean to me. I would spend my time making sure they knew that they are wonderful just the way they are. And none of that has anything to do with me. None of those things reflect my individualism. I don't want someone to like me for what I can do for them. I want them to like me for the person I am, flaws and all. If that's makes them happy, then what I am doing for them is secondary to what I'm doing for myself.

Don't get me wrong, I know and understand that relationships require sacrifice and compromise. But I'm not willing to sacrifice any part of me right now, unless it's for the people I love, currently in my life. I want to experience life without distraction. I don't want to be missing someone if I go on a trip. I dont want to wonder if my partner will be mad or disappointed if I want to do something that I know they aren't interested in. I don't want to miss out on opportunities because of someone else. And I know I would do all of that if i were to allow myself to be in a relationship right now.  I want to experience life with my undivided attention.  So, it wouldn't be fair.. to either of us.

You have to take care of the 'u' if you ever want it to become a successful 'us'. I May not want this time, but I need it. I need it to fill my cup. I need it to know that when I DO meet someone, I will be okay with taking it slow, despite the racing heart and honeymoon phase bliss, because I need to preserve what I feel are the best parts of me. I don't want to constantly be thinking of someone else right now. I want to constantly be thinking of my next exciting adventure in self exploration. I want to be a better me, so I can be better for the 'we' when the time comes.

Whether you're in a relationship or not, don't forget you are someone outside of the roles you take on. You are a person. Ask yourself who you are outside of those roles. If your answers are superficial and void of real meaning, please take time to rediscover what makes you feel fulfilled without others. And if you can answer with meaning, ask yourself if you're still doing those things for yourself. Fill your cup.

Take It or Leave It

Lately I have allowed myself to think. Really think. Uninterrupted thought, winding through every emotional ripple in my brain, eventually taking residence there. I have had control of these thoughts for a while now, but there was always a part of me that wouldn't allow myself to really feel the thoughts. It proved dangerous to my mentality, so I would dismiss the thoughts.
But over the past two weeks or so, I have given myself permission to feel. And trust me when I say, I have felt all the feelings. All of them. I have cried more than I would like to admit, and I have been angry, and confused, and disappointed. And despite these sometimes impossible feelings, I have been able to brave the storm. But, through all of the thoughts, and the feelings, and the self-sabotage, I have learned that I am worth the other side of all these feelings. And I have learned that I cannot allow others to make me feel otherwise. I'm not going to change who I am just because my immense feelings of doubt and rejection lie in the forefront of my mind. They don't have to live there. I am not allowing them to unpack. So I have done a lot of self-exploration and reflection of who I am as a person, without these leering doubts and self-assessments.

So who am I, exactly?

I can be quirky and frivolous. I sing loudly, and music is my forever love. I have a seemingly unhealthy obsession with NPR, Sharpies, and words. I write, I read, and I am learning that I like to be read to by people gifted with the talent of finding beauty in words as much as I do. I love movies, any genre, but especially rom-coms and cartoon movies. I love deep conversations that lead to meaningful memories, but I also like thoughtless conversations that lead to laughs that make my face hurt. I am passionate beyond measure, and I love without limits. I have many flaws, some I learn from, and some that will just always be flaws.  I will sometimes bitch about work, but you will never doubt my love for what I do. I am the type of person that wants to know about your day, no matter how good or bad it was. I am a giver. My favorite thing to do is surprise people, and random acts of kindness. There's probably more room in my heart for animals than people, and I have no shame about that. My family is my world, and no one will every gain as much access to my mind and heart than my sister, Nikki. My friends are my army, and I can confidently say they are better than yours.

I have goals, dreams, and I am ambitious. I feel defeated a lot, but I am also a survivor. I am mentally and emotionally strong...though sometimes my strength likes to take breaks. I am proud of my accomplishments and my abilities, but I am very humble. I am crafty and creative, and I can be clever and punny. I love food, and I struggle with my weight at times, and other times I feel beautiful. I try to do all things with grace, but I am also fluent in profanity. I am far from perfect, but I understand that I will be perfect for someone, someday. I hate the word "normal", and I surround myself with people who respect and appreciate those who are not "normal".

Driving is my favorite me time, and my car is my safe place. I am an extrovert, but do not like all attention on me. I am social, but I have zero problem staying in and laying in bed all day/night doing absolutely nothing. I would prefer to sit by a fire than go to a bar or a club. Kindness is my favorite, and I do not tolerate people with tongues that drip with disdain. I am not one for revenge, but I do believe in karma. I suck at receiving compliments, but I love giving them. I love anticipation leading up to something exciting, and I sometimes get overly excited about simple things. I can be trusted, and I suck at lying. I like taking risks, but not the kind that will result in me wearing orange.

I don't like favorites, it limits my capacity to appreciate things on a spectrum. I am real, and I appreciate when people put their real selves out there, not the perfect version of themselves. I don't wear designer clothes, and Target is the closest place to heaven I've been. I love eyes and smiles...not only in the physical sense, but in the stories that they tell as well. I believe most people are good, and that everyone deserves love, even if it's not from me. I find value in all experiences, no matter how much pain it may have induced. To me, happiness is contagious, but I also am the person that wants to punch peppy morning people in the face. I take selfies, but not to be narcissistic, rather to mark milestones, accomplishments, or to promote self-love.

I don't drink coffee, but I love juice. I like beer, but I am picky. I don't make a ton of money, but the difference my work makes is priceless. I am confident, but not within all areas of myself. I love being the big spoon during cuddle sessions. I hate clothes, but enjoy wearing cute outfits. I tend to steal sheets/covers, but I don't snore. I like to look at the person I am sleeping next to while they are sleeping, hoping they are dreaming about something wonderful. I love getting surprise texts that make me smile. I love taking pictures, and you will have no idea when I am taking half of them.

I love and appreciate raw emotions and honesty, no matter how bad it hurts sometimes. I am the type of partner that supports you 100%, and you will never go a day without knowing how much you mean. You will never have to wonder if you are good enough or if you are loved. I love notes, no matter if they are one line or twenty. I love simple surprises, and would rather receive a sweet or smart ass text than a gift. I appreciate creative gestures. I love musicals, and theater, but have never been to a Broadway show. I am not into fancy dates, for I would rather have a picnic in the park, cook dinner together, or binge watch movies or shows under covers.

I love the water, people's accents, and open-mindedness. I try not to hate, but sometimes I find myself using the word. I like to travel and try new things. I like firsts, especially if it's an adventure with someone else who is experiencing it for the first time as well. I'd rather go camping than stay in a fancy hotel, and when I travel, I don't want to plan where I go...I just want to go. I appreciate random thoughts and ideas. I have many fears, but I love a good challenge. I love finding commonalities with other people, but I appreciate our differences more. I love to learn, and strive to teach.

I stress about money and my future sometimes. I go through bouts of anxiety, and sometimes have unrealistic fears. I also have grandiose ideas, and I like to invent things. I can be impatient sometimes, though I am a pretty patient person for the most part. I am extremely understanding, almost to a fault. I like to play devil's advocate to gain/promote perspective. I am a great listener, and I research the hell out of something before I invest in it. I don't like to give advice, rather I guide people to coming up with their own solutions. Forgiveness is my superpower. Letting go is not.

I'm just a girl. I don't pretend to be anything else, and I don't wish to be anyone else. This is me. You can take it or leave it. Just remember, if you decide to take it, you're agreeing to take all of it. If you decide to leave it, please leave it in a way that reflects dignity and value... I am worth at least that much. We all are.

Forever Indebted

I am beginning to relinquish my feelings of sorrow for feelings of gratitude. It's strange to admit that out loud. Nevertheless, it's a truth I'm now living. I am thankful for the ebb and flow of emotions that pour from this experience. The valleys have made me really appreciate the peaks, and I am thankful for the immense feelings of loss, for they bring comfort to the fact that I once experienced something that warrants such ardent feelings. I am able to begin compartmentalizing areas of my life from one another, helping me to really value the ever-evolving concept of healing.
But regardless of where I am on my journey at this moment, I don't ever want to dismiss or not acknowledge what I am most thankful for: the benevolent nature of people who remind me that there's more to life than the tragedy that has consumed my thoughts for almost three months. Their innate ability to make me feel joy, to feel balanced, to feel...okay. And when I am not feelings those things, they encourage me to allow the darkness, but not to get lost in it.
When we are consumed by the flames of our own personal hell, we sometimes have to be reminded that we need help being pulled out of it. It is nothing to be ashamed of, rather, it is a necessity. I am all about self sufficiency and independence, but it is a process. Without a support system, without MY support system, I would be a pile of ash. I am not quite sure how to ever thank them in a way that makes them feel, deep inside their bones, how many times they have saved me. Saved me from drowning, saved me from doubt, saved me from hopelessness, saved me from... myself.
No one person has played the same role. It isn't until tragedy that you realize the individual super powers of your army of warriors. I have wanted to feel defeated, but you wouldn't let me. You see, in the midst of my shit storm, you didn't come to me with a solution. No, you merely handed me an umbrella and told me to figure it out. You empowered me to understand that while I can't stop the storm, I damn sure don't have to stand in the rain.
But some days it pours. And some days I forget my umbrella. And on those days, I realize the storm is coming from my eyes, soaking my cheeks with memories, begging to be wiped away. And I do it. I wipe them. And after the storms on those days, I realize that while I am not waterproof, I learn to appreciate the sun a little more. And by the sun, I mean you...each and every one of you.
To those of you who have played a part {and I am positive you know who you are}, thank you. Thank you for not allowing me to savor in my solitude. Thank you for your {sometimes merciless} honesty. Thank you for preserving the best parts of me. You have all picked up pieces of a broken me, and have put me back together in a way I could never do myself. You have sifted through those pieces with me, helping me purge the ones that no longer fit. You made me realize that those pieces are not missing pieces of myself... those pieces were hers that I feared releasing. They no longer belong to me. They aren't missing... they were merely clinched in the crevices of my grip, cutting my flesh, waiting to be let go. And with your help, they are now planted in the earth with the intent that they will be picked up with the winds of this storm, and returned to her, as they should be.
And without those pieces, I am lighter.... able to fly higher.
So thank you all, for giving me the courage to trade those small, heavy pieces for larger, lighter wings. Above the storm I go, to a place of extraordinary restoration.

Much Love,
Beth

A very special thank you to: NM, CM, SW, KT, JW, RW, JF, CA, JVJ, JT, JH, DA, DJ, JG, KN

Fire Works

Fire. Such a fascinating element.
It never fails in the many facets of its purpose.

As I read everyone's personal reviews of their 2017, I am at a loss as to how I can sum mine up to a few sentences. I'm scared of overlooking all the good. And then I think, "How can I?"

If you had asked me a month ago how my year went, I would have probably used a hand gesture to describe how I felt about it because I couldn't muster the mental energy to illustrate it with words.
But somehow, through excruciating pain, came an extraordinary end to the year 2017. I discovered fire.

I discovered how it burns, and it warms. It destroys, and it welds. It produces black ash, and provides bright light. It spreads, it smolders, it glows, and it cracks. And with each characteristic, it serves a purpose.

Whatever it touches, it burns. Words and thoughts can be fire, people can be fire, and experiences can be fire. They all have the potential to burn us... and sometimes they do.

But, I also learned that those same things can bring us warmth. They can make us feel comforted, safe, relaxed, and welcomed. They can weld our broken parts, and heat the cold corners of our hearts. They can tame us when we are raging, and they can bring us light when we are blind.

2017 has brought me all of the above. Nearing the end of 2017, though, my world was clouded with darkness. What i failed to realize, though, is that the darkness is the best lighting to see a spark. And life handed me a few in the last few weeks. And those sparks... well, they were beautiful, and warm, and... extraordinary. They presented in the form of people and experiences, family and friends, moments of clarity and moments of unexpected joy.

Just like fire, we become ignited. And just like fire, all it takes is a spark. My wish for those who need that spark... once you find it, may your flame breed a wildfire so bright it outshines the glaring embers that illuminated the worst parts of your seemingly impossible feats.

Fire is light. Don't seek it... be it.

Happy New Year, everyone.

Where Head Meets Heart

Hearts are hard to enter, but easy to hurt.
They love hard, but break harder.
They can dance to the beat of euphoria, or they can wilt in the darkness of pain.

The mind is the most powerful tool, and the most dangerous to operate.
It can carry us through, or bury us under.
It can create bliss, and destroy exuberance.

When the two collide, it's either elation or catastrophe. They are either in perfect unison, or they are at war. Do we listen, or do we feel? Where is our soul in this equation?

When our heart and our mind are not slow dancing together, or plummeting into tragedy, we wait in a state of purgatory for our fate. We battle for balance. We make sense of what we know, and we search to understand what we don't.

When we come to the realization that heartbreak is out of our control, and that it's someone else who supersedes the power of our feelings, we lose sight of our reality. We wonder what we did wrong. Where it went wrong. What we could have done differently. A soul that was once warmth has been frostbitten, and our mind tells us this can't be real. But it is. And it will be. And you alone cannot change it. You want to feel like it is all a dream, so you feel with your heart. You want to work for the fight to pull through, so you think with your mind... only to realize you are playing tug-of-war with your soul. Ultimately realizing you are the only one putting forth the effort to battle the demons that have been blindly haunting the relationship.

Effort should be effortless. A beautiful irony, that is. Our will to work for alignment between our heart and head should always be a need, not a choice. When life becomes hard, so should our work to personify the quality of life we intrinsically believe we deserve. Our results are our reflection of our will. We define what failure is. We construct our underpinning of which we build our version of where we believe we should be, need to be, or want to be. Along the way, we meet many wrecking balls, who pull us so high just to come crashing down on what we spent so long assembling. And once we are down to our last brick, when there is nothing left to tear down, it is the dust that settles...not us. We rise. We rebuild. And we become better. The broken pieces still left of our heart are merely fragments of our mind that still want to hold on. Let them go. Our mind belongs to our heart, and what a love story that could be...

Moving On...

So, here I am, wanting to write and not knowing where to even begin...

The last week or so, I have felt...angry, I guess you could say. For many reasons, but mainly for the way I feel trapped. Lately, things had been going relatively well for me, and then not so much. Things were looking up, and then not so much. I have felt that things aren't fair, but I am also tired of victim mentality. So annoying.

I have tried to handle everything with as much poise, grace, consideration, and respect as possible. I tried to promise myself I would not get angry, or mad, or mean. Those things just don't fit with how I like to handle/manage/process things and situations. BUT, here I am... mad, angry, and resentful. These things have no room in my heart, but I forgot about my head.... there's plenty of room there. I guess these feelings were inevitable, but I can still handle these feelings productively.

Sometimes, I wish I could be the asshole everyone wants me to be. And lately, I have come close. But what I can be is real. I can admit that I have not been fair to myself. I have not put myself as my priority. I have taken responsibility for more than I should, and I have allowed my feelings to manifest in ways that are emotionally self-destructive. This has got to stop. It is time for me. It is time I redefine, re-establish, and rediscover myself. I have been thirsty for this, but couldn't find my way to it... until today.

I walked into what, for years, has been my home. When I opened the door, the most familiar place in the world did not feel familiar at all. It just suddenly wasn't the same. For the first time, I felt like I shouldn't be there. I have had unpleasant feelings walking into the house ever since the break-up, but never have I felt like this. I stood in the middle of the living room floor, petting the dogs, completely void of emotion. I looked around as if I have never seen the place before, and it hit me... this is no longer my life, nor will it be again... and for some reason, I was completely fine with that notion. I have been very clear in understanding that she was not coming back, but this is the first time I realized I don't want her to. The clarity on that hit me like a brick. I sobbed...not out of sadness, but because I felt relieved. I finally let go of the parts of this situation that has been holding me back from focusing on what is important to me. For so long, I have been focusing so hard on how I was going to fathom moving forward, that I forgot to start moving altogether. And now that I have taken steps forward, going backward just no longer makes any sense.

I took the long way back to work. As I drove, I realized I have taken away permission from myself to understand my worth. I have doubted my worth for weeks. I have allowed the situation to define my worth. Well, guess what?! I am a good fucking (sorry, not sorry) person. I deserve more. I have a great heart, with a good soul, with plenty to give, and a hell of a lot to learn. I deserve a happiness that matches my value. I am intelligent, I love hard, and I am learning how to stand up for myself in a way that protects me from my vulnerabilities. I am learning from my experiences rather than dwelling in them. 

I still hold on to hope...but not hope for us to work out. Rather, hope that I continue to love without fear. I am still trying to get her back...but the her is now me. I've rediscovered parts of me that I have missed for a while, and getting me back is starting to feel really good. Do I still miss her? Of course... but Ive missed me more.  It is no longer about her, or the past, or what could have been. It is about me, moving forward, and toward what is meant to be....

Warning Label

Where to  begin on this one...

The demise of my relationship did not steal the best parts of me. It did not steal my light, it simply dimmed it. It did not steal my joy, it just made me doubt it. And it did not steal my affinity for love, it made me realize my infinite capacity for it.

A relationship ends, and you are left processing your feelings (allll the feelings), picking up the pieces, putting yourself back together, and carrying on...

For me, the carrying on part is like being on a treadmill lately. You are pushing through, as hard as you can, yet you seem to go nowhere. And, it's not that I can't make myself get anywhere, it's that some things are out of my control. I feel like I have been stamped with a huge warning label.... DANGER: JUST GOT OUT OF A 10 YEAR RELATIONSHIP; APPROACH WITH CAUTION! The thing is... I am not mad about it. I can't be. The reservation is extremely valid, I cannot argue with the emotional disposition of the "warning".

What I CAN say, however, is that I wholeheartedly appreciate the honesty given to me by another about these reservations. The open communication, the shared concerns, and the willingness to move forward at a reasonable, appropriate pace. It's tough being told by others that you're not ready for certain things...but sometimes, to a certain extent, it's necessary. Their reservations put me in check as well...which is also necessary.

Though... the last few weeks, my heart has danced.

Finding someone unexpectedly, who makes you realize things, feel things, and understand things about yourself that you haven't explored in a while is both extraordinary and terrifying. I have been challenged in so many ways in the past few weeks than I have in the past year. In a good way... a great way actually. Conversations are easy, and organic. I have more clarity, and I feel much more motivated to participate in my own life. Though slowing down isn't easy, it's best... and the fact that slowing down is an option (rather than stopping altogether) makes it feel worth it.

There's something about connection, though, that provokes drive. This one person, in particular, has inspired me to learn more about myself than anyone has in a very, very long time. I feel I have been awaken; to find my purpose, my potential, and to reignite my passion... independently and organically. I don't feel the need to seek other's approval, to make decisions based on their reactions, or feel the need to hold back. I am excited about life, and what it is in the process of leading me to. I feel empowered to make some changes within myself; changes that would make me a stronger, less vulnerable version of myself... which, let's be honest, I've needed for a while. I've been told I don't have a mean bone in my body...that I need some grit. Honestly, I have to agree. I've learned there's a fine line between nice and enabling. Grit separates the difference.

In the past few weeks, I've laughed from deep in my belly, I've connected in ways that I have been missing out on, and I have learned that simple, superficial, silly shared interests actually make all the difference. I've experienced someone who has the same amount of passion for their purpose as I do about mine...maybe even more. Passion about purpose is absolutely beautiful. It's inspiring, and I cannot fathom not having a passion for something. But the fire that burns from this person's heart could warm an entire city... it's extraordinary.

So, to you...the one who I get to go slow with:
The warning label is necessary, but not permanent. It is understandable, but not defining. And if slowing down is what it takes to ensure protection, certainty, and clarity, for both of us,
then I'm perfectly happy with that. I have so much respect for your honesty, clear expectations, and open communication.  I have developed an amazing respect for you, and what you stand for.  I love that you are true to yourself, and are strong to your values of you doing you. I value who you are, and appreciate the way you genuinely care. I thoroughly enjoy the time we spend together, even when it's just for a few hours, and I love that simple things make you happy. I revel in our conversations, as they are both thought-provoking and refreshing, and I could talk to you for hours (obviously). Thank you for your perspective, and for sharing your take on life. You are truly extraordinary, and I am thankful that you unexpectedly wandered into my life...

Turning Pages

The thing about the next chapter is that you have to be ready to turn the page. Your heart has to tell your brain to tell your hand to turn the page. The thing we often overlook in the whole concept of the page turn, is that it doesn't close the book. You don't just unwrite everything before that page. I don't have to wonder if I was ever good enough or if I was ever valued or if I was ever loved because it's already written in my book that I was all of those things, as she was/is to me. It's not like I'm a car that loses half its value once it's driven off the lot. Everything we experience together was real and though we are no longer together, it doesn't make it any less real. And in that realness, that's where we understand that we are better for knowing each other and loving each other and being each other's everything.

So how do we make our hand turn the page? Sometimes we have to put our hands together and pray for God to "grant us the serenity to accept the things that we cannot change, the courage to change the things that we can, and the wisdom to know the difference." That last part... the wisdom to know the difference... It's where I struggle most. Not because I don't understand, but because it makes me hurt.

Before turning the page, though, I think it's so important to answer the question " how the hell did we get here" together. Because through that conversation comes the clarity that you've needed. Does it hurt like a pain you've never felt before? Absolutely. But that conversation maybe the most valuable thing to reassure both people that there was value and worth in every minute that they were together. That it was all for something. That it mattered. And that it always will.

The intricacies of our relationship we're just that... OURS. We were able to talk about the darkest, dustiest corners of our lives, inspire each other, promoted growth, and we saw our best and worst selves....regardless of the outcome. We are each other's biggest fan, rock, and believed in each other when no one else (even ourself) did. The beautiful part about all of that...we still do.

Nothing will change in terms of how amazing I think she is, and I believe she feels the same about me. 10 years together is pivotal in itself, just imagine how many wonderful memories, major life changes, overcomings, experiences, and celebrations that consists of. That doesn't have to change just because we are having to turn the page.

She will still be the person I want to tell all good and bad and big things too first, and the best part about that is that I know I still can. Because I believe she will always root for me and be there for me no matter what. And I for her, always.

For me, anger has no place in any chapter of this journey. Hurt, pain, and cloudiness, sure, but not anger. I know her heart, I know her soul...they are both fierce with extraordinary compassion.

Healing is a process. A journey in itself. In order to begin that process, you have to allow yourself to feel, to grieve, and to be 100% vulnerable to your feelings. You have to be honest with yourself. People don't agree with how I am processing this, and that's okay, because I would never expect anyone to understand.

My heart feels what I won't let my head think, so I focus on the good. I may not feel good, but there was so much more good than bad. So much. And I have to believe that the purpose of a change of this magnitude is for both of us to reach a place within ourselves that only we can discover on our own.

There are people that come in and out of our lives. Then there are those VERY few that come and stay. Then...there are those who the universe planted in your life that take root and grow with you forever, no matter the circumstances. She is my tree, my person. And just because we are turning this page, doesn't mean we won't be written into the next. Our relationship loses its status, not its meaning.

Our lives will not be lived together in the same way, but we haven't lost each other...we have just found a new way to be in each other's lives. And while it is painful, and hard, it's also an opportunity. And that opportunity is embedded in strength, courage, and change...all of which make people better.

Turning the page can be terrifying, but we have to realize that when we turn this page, it's not going to say The End. We aren't even close to it. This chapter, maybe, but not the story. I'm beginning to look forward to what happens next. For both of us. No matter what, she will be my rock, my person, my tree. And I believe she knows I will always be those things for her. We may be turning pages, and our story line may change, but we will still contribute as authors to each other's stories.

Our relationship had more than a purpose. We didn't come this far just to get this far. Our relationship may be over, but our story isn't. It is not "The End", it is simply the beginning of something new. Here's to the new us!

Unequivocally You

You.
All of you.

That's what I love.

There are a million reasons why. But the best part is that you barely know half of them.

I shamelessly love your flaws, and I never grow tired of your imperfections. I would have you no other way.

I never look at you...only within you. For that is where I find the unfiltered version of you. It is where my soul feels most comfortable, and where my heart finds its beat.

My heart celebrates what my mind cannot comprehend, and what a lovely celebration it is. It's a song that doesn't need words, and music that doesn't need sound.

I will never settle for perfect. I want your wildfires and your fury. I want your passions and your purpose. I want your objections, and I want you to challenge me. I want your benevolence and your drive. I crave it all.

I'm in love with knowing this feeling is something I could never achieve on my own. It's insurmountable. It's you.

The End.

Where I stand

There are 2 sides to a difference. We often forget that. We expect people to be like us, to think like us, and to fight for the same things we fight for daily. We forget about the people and ideas that we have to go up against.

We can feel so passionately about something and then wonder how others cannot. We can put our blood, sweat, and tears into causes that other people may not give a care about... and we automatically assume that they are bad people for not caring about the causes we advocate for so wholeheartedly. We think, "do they even have a heart?"
It's hard to keep in mind that people are fighting for things that they believe in just as hard as we are... they just happened to be the some of the exact things that we are fighting against. So you see, we are all doing what we believe is the "right thing to do". Most of us are on our moral high horse, no matter liberal or conservative.
But let's be real for a second:
No matter the outcome of this election, we were still going to go to Starbucks and sip are $4 fancy coffee, sit on our porches with our fancy shoes propped up with our big yards in the background, while we take pictures on our fancy phones, and pick out fancy filters, and make our lives appear as if everything is perfect in our world, like we do every day anyway. We will post pictures of Bible quotes and we will make sure to show the world that we are doing good things, even though on the inside we are a wreck and need the attention. We will pick our perfect flowers, put them in our perfect golden flaked vases, set them on our shabby chic coffee tables and use clever hashtags to describe our priveleged lives. Who is real anymore?
I'm not even sure, but I know what IS real? Love. Love is real.
Trump or no Trump, some of us would still be judged for the way we love. Receiving glares, being called deplorable. Laws or no laws, some people would still bully, say racist/sexist remarks, carry out violent crimes, and discriminate. People will still protest, terrorize, and hate. The government can't fix hate. It can only make consequences for those who get caught.
People can fix hate, though. But not like this. Not by perpetuating the notion that one party has all the answers to all of the problems our nation faces. Yes, it blows ass that some have fought for YEARS to make the progress that has been made, and yes for some it seems as if we've taken 10 giant leaps back. But you know what's great about taking steps back? It's familiar territory. Territory we have navigated, and have gotten through, and prevailed.
I hear "but we fought so hard to get this far"...
Did WE? Can we all really say that? I can honestly say, aside from signing a few petitions, showing up to a few events, and voting, I had no part in the "fight". I didn't protest, I didn't picket, I didn't get on a bullhorn and start chants to get people to listen. I didn't stand in front of places and hand out fliers. I didn't make cold calls to survey how people felt about certain issues. I didn't attempt to write literature to teach tolerance. I didn't write the white house 4 times a month. I didn't join any groups or offer to rally. How many of us can actually say "we fought so hard..."? I am fortunate  to know some who can, but I can't. I just sat on the sidelines and cheered the people on who were doing all the legwork, and selfishly waited until we could reap the benefits of defeat.
THAT is what is wrong with our country. We wait for people to solve our problems. We don't participate in our own victories. We don't stand up and DO something to make progress on issues we deem important to us. We don't REALLY know the value of what we stand for, because we aren't involved enough.
But the country had something to say Nov 8. People showed up. People voted. Some people voted FOR things, and some voted AGAINST. We were left with the crumbs at the bottom of a cookie jar to pick from, and the winner had the hungrier people.
And then the country shattered. I seem to remember a couple of moths ago, my Facebook feed FILLED with phrases like "not all black people are thugs", and "not all Muslims are terrorists" and "not all police are corrupt". Now some of those same people are labeling ALL Trump supporters are racist/misogynistic/homophobic monsters who voted for hate.
Wow. Just wow.
Our country didn't get it wrong by voting for Trump. Our country got it wrong when it they narrowed it down to these two in the first place. We can blame the outcome on the media or on the people who just trusted Facebook to give them information, or the people who were just sick and tired and wanted so badly for things to change. We can blame it on each other, we can blame it on racism, we can blame it on whatever other social injustice there is out there. But blame changes nothing.
If we have to take a step back just to start moving forward again then so be it. We can't just say we've come this far just to give up. We keep going. We hold on tight to the people that believe in the things that we believe in, and want the same things that we want, and want to progress the way that we want to progress... and we move mountains with them! We spend time encouraging each other rather than tearing down people who do not quite see things the way that we see them.
Now is a better time than ever to realize how many people are now willing to speak out for what they believe in. The voter turnout, despite the outcome, spoke volumes about how much progress really has been made.
When we are so disgusted, and when we talk about hate, and when we talked about how disappointed we are and the people of this nation, we completely dismiss and overlook and underestimate the good things that were shown to us through this election. Voter turnout was at a record high several places, the notion of our first female president was a reality. People are more willing than ever to get involved. No matter which way on the pendulum you swing, you realize you have a voice. We can say what we want about either candidate, but we really need to be careful about what we say about each other. We do not have the room or the time for hate.
We are resilient we are vigilant and we are profoundly strong. Once the dust settles we will be able to see clearly again. And it is then that we begin to hold our heads up and march forward, demanding to redefine leadership. Until then, we love. We hope. We keep moving.
So many people are fighting so many battles: socially, economically, spiritually...etc. When we encourage people to speak up and make change, and be leaders...we have to mean it while remembering  people have different views and and they,too, are speaking up and being leaders. On Nov 8, people DID speak up, people DID want change, people DID stand for something. And it showed just how divided we are. Trump didn't win. Hillary didn't lose. America simply quit the game and played the pieces it had left.
Am I happy about the results? I wasn't even happy with the choices. But I have hope that he may surprise us. I have to have hope. I have to believe this huge crack in this system is to simply let light shine through. I have to believe that sometimes you have to break something to make something. This is America's 4th down hail mary....risky, but there's always hope.