But over the past two weeks or so, I have given myself permission to feel. And trust me when I say, I have felt all the feelings. All of them. I have cried more than I would like to admit, and I have been angry, and confused, and disappointed. And despite these sometimes impossible feelings, I have been able to brave the storm. But, through all of the thoughts, and the feelings, and the self-sabotage, I have learned that I am worth the other side of all these feelings. And I have learned that I cannot allow others to make me feel otherwise. I'm not going to change who I am just because my immense feelings of doubt and rejection lie in the forefront of my mind. They don't have to live there. I am not allowing them to unpack. So I have done a lot of self-exploration and reflection of who I am as a person, without these leering doubts and self-assessments.
So who am I, exactly?
I can be quirky and frivolous. I sing loudly, and music is my forever love. I have a seemingly unhealthy obsession with NPR, Sharpies, and words. I write, I read, and I am learning that I like to be read to by people gifted with the talent of finding beauty in words as much as I do. I love movies, any genre, but especially rom-coms and cartoon movies. I love deep conversations that lead to meaningful memories, but I also like thoughtless conversations that lead to laughs that make my face hurt. I am passionate beyond measure, and I love without limits. I have many flaws, some I learn from, and some that will just always be flaws. I will sometimes bitch about work, but you will never doubt my love for what I do. I am the type of person that wants to know about your day, no matter how good or bad it was. I am a giver. My favorite thing to do is surprise people, and random acts of kindness. There's probably more room in my heart for animals than people, and I have no shame about that. My family is my world, and no one will every gain as much access to my mind and heart than my sister, Nikki. My friends are my army, and I can confidently say they are better than yours.
I have goals, dreams, and I am ambitious. I feel defeated a lot, but I am also a survivor. I am mentally and emotionally strong...though sometimes my strength likes to take breaks. I am proud of my accomplishments and my abilities, but I am very humble. I am crafty and creative, and I can be clever and punny. I love food, and I struggle with my weight at times, and other times I feel beautiful. I try to do all things with grace, but I am also fluent in profanity. I am far from perfect, but I understand that I will be perfect for someone, someday. I hate the word "normal", and I surround myself with people who respect and appreciate those who are not "normal".
Driving is my favorite me time, and my car is my safe place. I am an extrovert, but do not like all attention on me. I am social, but I have zero problem staying in and laying in bed all day/night doing absolutely nothing. I would prefer to sit by a fire than go to a bar or a club. Kindness is my favorite, and I do not tolerate people with tongues that drip with disdain. I am not one for revenge, but I do believe in karma. I suck at receiving compliments, but I love giving them. I love anticipation leading up to something exciting, and I sometimes get overly excited about simple things. I can be trusted, and I suck at lying. I like taking risks, but not the kind that will result in me wearing orange.
I don't like favorites, it limits my capacity to appreciate things on a spectrum. I am real, and I appreciate when people put their real selves out there, not the perfect version of themselves. I don't wear designer clothes, and Target is the closest place to heaven I've been. I love eyes and smiles...not only in the physical sense, but in the stories that they tell as well. I believe most people are good, and that everyone deserves love, even if it's not from me. I find value in all experiences, no matter how much pain it may have induced. To me, happiness is contagious, but I also am the person that wants to punch peppy morning people in the face. I take selfies, but not to be narcissistic, rather to mark milestones, accomplishments, or to promote self-love.
I don't drink coffee, but I love juice. I like beer, but I am picky. I don't make a ton of money, but the difference my work makes is priceless. I am confident, but not within all areas of myself. I love being the big spoon during cuddle sessions. I hate clothes, but enjoy wearing cute outfits. I tend to steal sheets/covers, but I don't snore. I like to look at the person I am sleeping next to while they are sleeping, hoping they are dreaming about something wonderful. I love getting surprise texts that make me smile. I love taking pictures, and you will have no idea when I am taking half of them.
I love and appreciate raw emotions and honesty, no matter how bad it hurts sometimes. I am the type of partner that supports you 100%, and you will never go a day without knowing how much you mean. You will never have to wonder if you are good enough or if you are loved. I love notes, no matter if they are one line or twenty. I love simple surprises, and would rather receive a sweet or smart ass text than a gift. I appreciate creative gestures. I love musicals, and theater, but have never been to a Broadway show. I am not into fancy dates, for I would rather have a picnic in the park, cook dinner together, or binge watch movies or shows under covers.
I love the water, people's accents, and open-mindedness. I try not to hate, but sometimes I find myself using the word. I like to travel and try new things. I like firsts, especially if it's an adventure with someone else who is experiencing it for the first time as well. I'd rather go camping than stay in a fancy hotel, and when I travel, I don't want to plan where I go...I just want to go. I appreciate random thoughts and ideas. I have many fears, but I love a good challenge. I love finding commonalities with other people, but I appreciate our differences more. I love to learn, and strive to teach.
I stress about money and my future sometimes. I go through bouts of anxiety, and sometimes have unrealistic fears. I also have grandiose ideas, and I like to invent things. I can be impatient sometimes, though I am a pretty patient person for the most part. I am extremely understanding, almost to a fault. I like to play devil's advocate to gain/promote perspective. I am a great listener, and I research the hell out of something before I invest in it. I don't like to give advice, rather I guide people to coming up with their own solutions. Forgiveness is my superpower. Letting go is not.
I'm just a girl. I don't pretend to be anything else, and I don't wish to be anyone else. This is me. You can take it or leave it. Just remember, if you decide to take it, you're agreeing to take all of it. If you decide to leave it, please leave it in a way that reflects dignity and value... I am worth at least that much. We all are.
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