It feels good to be challenged, to be pushed, and to be supported. To be in the company of someone who makes your mind, body and soul feel at home and at peace.
It feels good to look forward to the beginning of every day, and the end of every night. To get random texts that are laced with sentiment, for no reason other than to make you smile.
It feels good to make sense of the unknown with someone who is just as perplexed as you by the complexities of life. To explore the corners of each other's mind in an effort to decipher, or make sense of the shared connection that seems too good to be real.
I've missed this. All of this. I've missed it so much, and have wanted it so much, that I have tried to assign inexact meaning and feelings to people and situations. Misplaced and misguided emotions have provoked confusion and further pain. And perspective was, at times, dysfunctional. All because I've been so thirsty for someone or something that could offer the above mentioned desires. Just so thirsty.
But I started thinking about that thirst. And it hit me. If I'm so thirsty for something, it means my cup is... empty. My cup does not runneth over. You see, my relationship was the shelter for my being. But what was it sheltering? I don't know, anymore... that's the part of me I lost along the way. But that's not a terrible discovery. It simply means I get to find out who I am outside of identifying myself as a co-pilot in this flight of life. Exciting, right?
If my cup is empty, I have very little of MYSELF to offer. I have PLENTY to offer as a partner, as a friend, as a sister/daughter/aunt, and as a professional. But what about as a person? I don't know how to answer that without identifying myself as a part of those roles.
If we fill our cups with good, good will eventually spill out of us and into others. If we don't nurture the good in us, it becomes tainted, surely to produce a drout. How can we expect to meet the needs of another person when we don't feel like we have what it takes to meet our own needs? How can we be our own person if we keep drinking from other's cups instead of filling our own?
I keep saying I wish I could skip this part of healing and get to the part of my happily ever after. But why? Why would I want to skip this freedom to rediscover what makes me, me? When I meet someone, I want to be someone. I want to be confident that what makes up my persona is so extraordinary that it doesn't matter if it doesn't work out with someone else... because I'm happy with who I am, and i want someone who appreciates that about me.
If I were to get into a relationship right now, I could almost guarantee life would start to revolve around them. About what makes them happy, what makes them smile, and what I could do to show them how much they mean to me. I would spend my time making sure they knew that they are wonderful just the way they are. And none of that has anything to do with me. None of those things reflect my individualism. I don't want someone to like me for what I can do for them. I want them to like me for the person I am, flaws and all. If that's makes them happy, then what I am doing for them is secondary to what I'm doing for myself.
Don't get me wrong, I know and understand that relationships require sacrifice and compromise. But I'm not willing to sacrifice any part of me right now, unless it's for the people I love, currently in my life. I want to experience life without distraction. I don't want to be missing someone if I go on a trip. I dont want to wonder if my partner will be mad or disappointed if I want to do something that I know they aren't interested in. I don't want to miss out on opportunities because of someone else. And I know I would do all of that if i were to allow myself to be in a relationship right now. I want to experience life with my undivided attention. So, it wouldn't be fair.. to either of us.
You have to take care of the 'u' if you ever want it to become a successful 'us'. I May not want this time, but I need it. I need it to fill my cup. I need it to know that when I DO meet someone, I will be okay with taking it slow, despite the racing heart and honeymoon phase bliss, because I need to preserve what I feel are the best parts of me. I don't want to constantly be thinking of someone else right now. I want to constantly be thinking of my next exciting adventure in self exploration. I want to be a better me, so I can be better for the 'we' when the time comes.
Whether you're in a relationship or not, don't forget you are someone outside of the roles you take on. You are a person. Ask yourself who you are outside of those roles. If your answers are superficial and void of real meaning, please take time to rediscover what makes you feel fulfilled without others. And if you can answer with meaning, ask yourself if you're still doing those things for yourself. Fill your cup.
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