Moving On...

So, here I am, wanting to write and not knowing where to even begin...

The last week or so, I have felt...angry, I guess you could say. For many reasons, but mainly for the way I feel trapped. Lately, things had been going relatively well for me, and then not so much. Things were looking up, and then not so much. I have felt that things aren't fair, but I am also tired of victim mentality. So annoying.

I have tried to handle everything with as much poise, grace, consideration, and respect as possible. I tried to promise myself I would not get angry, or mad, or mean. Those things just don't fit with how I like to handle/manage/process things and situations. BUT, here I am... mad, angry, and resentful. These things have no room in my heart, but I forgot about my head.... there's plenty of room there. I guess these feelings were inevitable, but I can still handle these feelings productively.

Sometimes, I wish I could be the asshole everyone wants me to be. And lately, I have come close. But what I can be is real. I can admit that I have not been fair to myself. I have not put myself as my priority. I have taken responsibility for more than I should, and I have allowed my feelings to manifest in ways that are emotionally self-destructive. This has got to stop. It is time for me. It is time I redefine, re-establish, and rediscover myself. I have been thirsty for this, but couldn't find my way to it... until today.

I walked into what, for years, has been my home. When I opened the door, the most familiar place in the world did not feel familiar at all. It just suddenly wasn't the same. For the first time, I felt like I shouldn't be there. I have had unpleasant feelings walking into the house ever since the break-up, but never have I felt like this. I stood in the middle of the living room floor, petting the dogs, completely void of emotion. I looked around as if I have never seen the place before, and it hit me... this is no longer my life, nor will it be again... and for some reason, I was completely fine with that notion. I have been very clear in understanding that she was not coming back, but this is the first time I realized I don't want her to. The clarity on that hit me like a brick. I sobbed...not out of sadness, but because I felt relieved. I finally let go of the parts of this situation that has been holding me back from focusing on what is important to me. For so long, I have been focusing so hard on how I was going to fathom moving forward, that I forgot to start moving altogether. And now that I have taken steps forward, going backward just no longer makes any sense.

I took the long way back to work. As I drove, I realized I have taken away permission from myself to understand my worth. I have doubted my worth for weeks. I have allowed the situation to define my worth. Well, guess what?! I am a good fucking (sorry, not sorry) person. I deserve more. I have a great heart, with a good soul, with plenty to give, and a hell of a lot to learn. I deserve a happiness that matches my value. I am intelligent, I love hard, and I am learning how to stand up for myself in a way that protects me from my vulnerabilities. I am learning from my experiences rather than dwelling in them. 

I still hold on to hope...but not hope for us to work out. Rather, hope that I continue to love without fear. I am still trying to get her back...but the her is now me. I've rediscovered parts of me that I have missed for a while, and getting me back is starting to feel really good. Do I still miss her? Of course... but Ive missed me more.  It is no longer about her, or the past, or what could have been. It is about me, moving forward, and toward what is meant to be....