The Note

There's no way I could express myself or talk about this because I could never make the illogic of suicide logical to those who aren't...me.

You will probably be so angry with me, and rightfully so. I am so sorry. So very sorry. You were there for me, and you were enough. You did enough. You loved me enough. This wasn't senseless. In fact, this was plaguing my mind throughout the day. Every day. You helped me fight. You helped me understand compassion. And you most certainly taught me about love.

You must have so many questions. Unfortunately, I have no concrete answer for you. That part is where I have failed most. I don't have the answers for myself either. And that is where I struggle the most. I didn't reach out overtly because I didn't need saving. I needed solitude. An intrinsic belief that my happiness didn't need to depend on others. You gave me moments. Glimpses of refuge that I longed to be able to give myself. This was not about worth, feelings of inadequacy, or lack of faith. This was about me battling a war within myself that I wouldn't wish upon anyone.

But please know this: My laughs were real. My smiles you gave me were real. My heart loved genuinely. I have you to thank for all of that. My world without you would have been apocalyptic. Everyone who was part of my journey gave me reason to want to see what could happen next. How many smiles I could muster up, thanks to an incredible community of friends. What you don't realize is that none of this was to hurt you. You, in fact, kept me going. You gave me life. But somewhere along the way, I realized that without you, I was lifeless. My smiles were masks, and I was outgrowing them. Then you would do the next incredible thing, and I'd realize life was about moments, not the memories that come from those moments. And, unfortunately, moments can also be grueling darkness, laced with fear and uncertainty about whether I would ever be at peace with myself.

It isn't fair to you. I know that. And there is nothing I can say to make it fair. I know that, too. But, and please forgive me for this, this isn't about you. It never was. I would never do this TO you. I did this FOR me. There's a difference, and trust me when I say I struggled daily with knowing I would cause you much pain. I hope you can learn to forgive me. I hope you will never be able to understand this. I wish that on no one. Celebrate your resilience. It isn't as easy as it seems to many.

I know I am leaving you, but understand that the love I have for you is immeasurable. I lost my ability to make sense of life, but you were always there, reminding me that trying was worth it. And though I grew weak from all the trying, I have no doubt the collective strength you unknowingly bestowed upon me will inevitably be the same strength that gets you through this. I envy that strength. I always have.

Thank you. So much. For being the golden chariots that so gracefully carried me through my war-torn world.

Farewell.

Ex Appeal

Dear Exes,
You have all played a pivotal role in my understanding of preservation in regard to relationships. So, thank you for that. Exes dont always get the credit they deserve. So...
Thank you all for being exactly what I needed at that juncture in my life. Whether it ended well or not, I choose to focus on growth.
My hope is that I taught you as much as you taught me about life, love, relationships, and growth. I have learned so much throughout life, and much of that is from my time with you. Regardless of what phase in my life you were a part of, the love and appreciation I have for you measures the same.
The experiences we shared have given me the ability to do better, be better, and become wiser. I'm sorry it has taken me this long to realize that the aftermath of us is worth as much as when we were together. Manifested differently, of course, but still as valuable. I've learned how to navigate grief, anger, sadness, and loss. I have learned a lot about resiliency and recovery. Most of all, I have learned more about forgiveness... both giving it and asking for it... than ever through my relationships.
I have learned to compartmentalize my wants and my needs regarding my feelings. I still get mad, and sad, and feel pain at times, and it makes me want to hate (either you or myself, depending on how our story ended). But I realize I dont need to hate. I need to be thankful that one of us realized forever wasnt for us. So that we can have a chance with whoever forever is. Hurting someone is hard, and being hurt by someone seems harder. But pain is pain, and at some point we have to stop and ask ourselves, "What did this teach me?" instead of "Why did this happen to me?" When we learn to reflect on the truths of the relationship, we begin to see that even though we were a part of each other's lives, it does not necessarily mean we were part of a whole. For a while, we were a whole. We were as whole as we were meant to be for that time. We were wholeheartedly all in. And though we ended, it doesn't take away from the fact that there was a beginning and middle that shaped how we view what love looks like, feels like, and how different each experience can be.
You have also taught me about fear and bravery. Being scared shitless to give my heart away again. Scared of being hurt or hurting someone else. Scared to take chances and scared to do life solo. Scared I will never find a best friend in someone else like I did with you. But that fear provoked courage to do all of those things. The end of each of our relationships brought a chance for the beginning of a new one. And with each new one, new courage, new confidence, and new perspective bloomed. In other words, I'm doing something right if each new journey is different than the one before.
Break ups have taught me about effort, and how sometimes we become monotonous and stop trying. And how there's no such thing as compensating for someone's else's lack of effort. Lack of effort seems to mean lack of desire. Ouch. But it doesnt mean it is/was purposeful. We didn't plan pain, we didn't plan an end. And what we DO plan, well, sometimes it gets rained out...washing away everything that hides the truth and exposing us to the hard reality that our shore has eroded. And that's hard to face, but necessary nonetheless.
Whether we were together for ten days or ten years, each relationship has brought purpose to my life and depth to who I have become. I appreciate and will always preserve the best parts of each of you. Because, at the end of the day, some of the very best parts of my life were with you, and some of those memories will remain that way.
If I hurt you, please forgive me. At the time, I thought I was doing the best I could. If you hurt me, my forgiveness is yours. Thank you for the pain...it reminds me of how real my feelings were for you, and in retrospect, that's an extraordinary gift you have given me; the opportunity to love you.

Forever grateful,
Beth

Moments are Medicine

I'm going to be honest, I did not want this weekend to end. I want to still be sitting across the table from my best friend, eating dinner and talking about her new chapter, watching her cheeks rise when she talks about it, experiencing in person how happy she really is now. I want to still be sitting at a table with friends and family, laughing until my face hurts. I want to still be talking wedding at the table with my sister. I want to still be sitting at the table with family at the island, soaking up the sun and eating crawfish. From the weather to the people, I could not have asked for a more exuberant weekend. And while the sun was warm enough to hug our skin, it wasn't near as warm as the people who were hugging my heart.

There was one moment, though, that I felt the most present and alive. As we were sitting at R&R, there was a moment where I just looked around the table, and in my mind the sound faded, and I just watched as everyone was laughing, smiling, and genuinely enjoying each other's company. We were throwing our heads back in laughter, wiping happy tears from our eyes, and having to take breaks from smiling because our cheeks were sore.This group has never been together before. Ever. But you would have never known it. No one was looking at their phone. No one was checking their watch. No one was in a hurry to leave. There was no time for awkward silences or feelings of discomfort. Everything was simply right. It was the first time in a long time that I felt I was right where I was supposed to be. Where I wanted to be. 

And if that wasn't already enough, hearing the news that my soon-to-be-sister-in-law told us that some unexpected guests will in fact be attending their wedding made my heart do cartwheels. That news alone would have made my entire weekend, and as we were writing down dates, and ideas, and to-do's, I couldn't help but get even more excited for October! 

I could go on about all the details of the weekend, but I won't. I don't need to. I have them locked inside of me, and I can appreciate them without validation from others. I simply wanted to make clear the fact that I have discovered ways to free myself from...myself. I have been told countless times to stop beating myself up, to do something that makes me happy, to move on. None of those things seemed possible for a long time. They still don't a lot of the time, but after this weekend, I have reassurance that happiness is something I can allow myself to feel without feeling bad about it. That I can accept that I have made mistakes, but I am worth forgiveness, no matter if it is immediate or months/years down the road. I am deserving. I don't want to miss out on opportunities to be present in joy. I don't want to worry about things that are no longer relevant to me. I don't want to miss something/someone so much that I dismiss taking chances on other experiences. 

If every weekend you get to experience the kind of joy I experienced this weekend, do not take that for granted. Do not become desensitized to appreciating those moments. And talk about them. Talk about what makes your face hurt. Talk about what in those moments meant the most to you. Talk about plans to do it again. Don't ignore the meaning of moments. Live in them, thrive from them, and grow into a person who radiates a level of liveliness that others cannot help but want to join. 

As there was so much to celebrate this weekend, I am at peace knowing that one of the things I can personally celebrate is the peace of mind I gave myself this weekend. I got out of my head long enough to make room for new memories. Here's to hoping for many more...

Full-Filled

It feels so good to love, and be loved. To share interests, and to learn differences. To know intimacy can be infinite, and your capacity to love is limitless.
It feels good to be challenged, to be pushed, and to be supported. To be in the company of someone who makes your mind, body and soul feel at home and at peace.
It feels good to look forward to the beginning of every day, and the end of every night. To get random texts that are laced with sentiment, for no reason other than to make you smile.
It feels good to make sense of the unknown with someone who is just as perplexed as you by the complexities of life. To explore the corners of each other's mind in an effort to decipher, or make sense of the shared connection that seems too good to be real.

I've missed this. All of this. I've missed it so much, and have wanted it so much, that I have tried to assign inexact meaning and feelings to people and situations. Misplaced and misguided emotions have provoked confusion and further pain. And perspective was, at times, dysfunctional. All because I've been so thirsty for someone or something that could offer the above mentioned desires. Just so thirsty.

But I started thinking about that thirst. And it hit me. If I'm so thirsty for something, it means my cup is... empty. My cup does not runneth over. You see, my relationship was the shelter for my being. But what was it sheltering? I don't know, anymore... that's the part of me I lost along the way. But that's not a terrible discovery. It simply means I get to find out who I am outside of identifying myself as a co-pilot in this flight of life. Exciting, right?

If my cup is empty, I have very little of MYSELF to offer. I have PLENTY to offer as a partner, as a friend, as a sister/daughter/aunt, and as a professional. But what about as a person? I don't know how to answer that without identifying myself as a part of those roles.

If we fill our cups with good, good will eventually spill out of us and into others. If we don't nurture the good in us, it becomes tainted, surely to produce a drout. How can we expect to meet the needs of another person when we don't feel like we have what it takes to meet our own needs? How can we be our own person if we keep drinking from other's cups instead of filling our own?

I keep saying I wish I could skip this part of healing and get to the part of my happily ever after. But why? Why would I want to skip this freedom to rediscover what makes me, me? When I meet someone, I want to be someone. I want to be confident that what makes up my persona is so extraordinary that it doesn't matter if it doesn't work out with someone else... because I'm happy with who I am, and i want someone who appreciates that about me.

If I were to get into a relationship right now, I could almost guarantee life would start to revolve around them. About what makes them happy, what makes them smile, and what I could do to show them how much they mean to me. I would spend my time making sure they knew that they are wonderful just the way they are. And none of that has anything to do with me. None of those things reflect my individualism. I don't want someone to like me for what I can do for them. I want them to like me for the person I am, flaws and all. If that's makes them happy, then what I am doing for them is secondary to what I'm doing for myself.

Don't get me wrong, I know and understand that relationships require sacrifice and compromise. But I'm not willing to sacrifice any part of me right now, unless it's for the people I love, currently in my life. I want to experience life without distraction. I don't want to be missing someone if I go on a trip. I dont want to wonder if my partner will be mad or disappointed if I want to do something that I know they aren't interested in. I don't want to miss out on opportunities because of someone else. And I know I would do all of that if i were to allow myself to be in a relationship right now.  I want to experience life with my undivided attention.  So, it wouldn't be fair.. to either of us.

You have to take care of the 'u' if you ever want it to become a successful 'us'. I May not want this time, but I need it. I need it to fill my cup. I need it to know that when I DO meet someone, I will be okay with taking it slow, despite the racing heart and honeymoon phase bliss, because I need to preserve what I feel are the best parts of me. I don't want to constantly be thinking of someone else right now. I want to constantly be thinking of my next exciting adventure in self exploration. I want to be a better me, so I can be better for the 'we' when the time comes.

Whether you're in a relationship or not, don't forget you are someone outside of the roles you take on. You are a person. Ask yourself who you are outside of those roles. If your answers are superficial and void of real meaning, please take time to rediscover what makes you feel fulfilled without others. And if you can answer with meaning, ask yourself if you're still doing those things for yourself. Fill your cup.

Take It or Leave It

Lately I have allowed myself to think. Really think. Uninterrupted thought, winding through every emotional ripple in my brain, eventually taking residence there. I have had control of these thoughts for a while now, but there was always a part of me that wouldn't allow myself to really feel the thoughts. It proved dangerous to my mentality, so I would dismiss the thoughts.
But over the past two weeks or so, I have given myself permission to feel. And trust me when I say, I have felt all the feelings. All of them. I have cried more than I would like to admit, and I have been angry, and confused, and disappointed. And despite these sometimes impossible feelings, I have been able to brave the storm. But, through all of the thoughts, and the feelings, and the self-sabotage, I have learned that I am worth the other side of all these feelings. And I have learned that I cannot allow others to make me feel otherwise. I'm not going to change who I am just because my immense feelings of doubt and rejection lie in the forefront of my mind. They don't have to live there. I am not allowing them to unpack. So I have done a lot of self-exploration and reflection of who I am as a person, without these leering doubts and self-assessments.

So who am I, exactly?

I can be quirky and frivolous. I sing loudly, and music is my forever love. I have a seemingly unhealthy obsession with NPR, Sharpies, and words. I write, I read, and I am learning that I like to be read to by people gifted with the talent of finding beauty in words as much as I do. I love movies, any genre, but especially rom-coms and cartoon movies. I love deep conversations that lead to meaningful memories, but I also like thoughtless conversations that lead to laughs that make my face hurt. I am passionate beyond measure, and I love without limits. I have many flaws, some I learn from, and some that will just always be flaws.  I will sometimes bitch about work, but you will never doubt my love for what I do. I am the type of person that wants to know about your day, no matter how good or bad it was. I am a giver. My favorite thing to do is surprise people, and random acts of kindness. There's probably more room in my heart for animals than people, and I have no shame about that. My family is my world, and no one will every gain as much access to my mind and heart than my sister, Nikki. My friends are my army, and I can confidently say they are better than yours.

I have goals, dreams, and I am ambitious. I feel defeated a lot, but I am also a survivor. I am mentally and emotionally strong...though sometimes my strength likes to take breaks. I am proud of my accomplishments and my abilities, but I am very humble. I am crafty and creative, and I can be clever and punny. I love food, and I struggle with my weight at times, and other times I feel beautiful. I try to do all things with grace, but I am also fluent in profanity. I am far from perfect, but I understand that I will be perfect for someone, someday. I hate the word "normal", and I surround myself with people who respect and appreciate those who are not "normal".

Driving is my favorite me time, and my car is my safe place. I am an extrovert, but do not like all attention on me. I am social, but I have zero problem staying in and laying in bed all day/night doing absolutely nothing. I would prefer to sit by a fire than go to a bar or a club. Kindness is my favorite, and I do not tolerate people with tongues that drip with disdain. I am not one for revenge, but I do believe in karma. I suck at receiving compliments, but I love giving them. I love anticipation leading up to something exciting, and I sometimes get overly excited about simple things. I can be trusted, and I suck at lying. I like taking risks, but not the kind that will result in me wearing orange.

I don't like favorites, it limits my capacity to appreciate things on a spectrum. I am real, and I appreciate when people put their real selves out there, not the perfect version of themselves. I don't wear designer clothes, and Target is the closest place to heaven I've been. I love eyes and smiles...not only in the physical sense, but in the stories that they tell as well. I believe most people are good, and that everyone deserves love, even if it's not from me. I find value in all experiences, no matter how much pain it may have induced. To me, happiness is contagious, but I also am the person that wants to punch peppy morning people in the face. I take selfies, but not to be narcissistic, rather to mark milestones, accomplishments, or to promote self-love.

I don't drink coffee, but I love juice. I like beer, but I am picky. I don't make a ton of money, but the difference my work makes is priceless. I am confident, but not within all areas of myself. I love being the big spoon during cuddle sessions. I hate clothes, but enjoy wearing cute outfits. I tend to steal sheets/covers, but I don't snore. I like to look at the person I am sleeping next to while they are sleeping, hoping they are dreaming about something wonderful. I love getting surprise texts that make me smile. I love taking pictures, and you will have no idea when I am taking half of them.

I love and appreciate raw emotions and honesty, no matter how bad it hurts sometimes. I am the type of partner that supports you 100%, and you will never go a day without knowing how much you mean. You will never have to wonder if you are good enough or if you are loved. I love notes, no matter if they are one line or twenty. I love simple surprises, and would rather receive a sweet or smart ass text than a gift. I appreciate creative gestures. I love musicals, and theater, but have never been to a Broadway show. I am not into fancy dates, for I would rather have a picnic in the park, cook dinner together, or binge watch movies or shows under covers.

I love the water, people's accents, and open-mindedness. I try not to hate, but sometimes I find myself using the word. I like to travel and try new things. I like firsts, especially if it's an adventure with someone else who is experiencing it for the first time as well. I'd rather go camping than stay in a fancy hotel, and when I travel, I don't want to plan where I go...I just want to go. I appreciate random thoughts and ideas. I have many fears, but I love a good challenge. I love finding commonalities with other people, but I appreciate our differences more. I love to learn, and strive to teach.

I stress about money and my future sometimes. I go through bouts of anxiety, and sometimes have unrealistic fears. I also have grandiose ideas, and I like to invent things. I can be impatient sometimes, though I am a pretty patient person for the most part. I am extremely understanding, almost to a fault. I like to play devil's advocate to gain/promote perspective. I am a great listener, and I research the hell out of something before I invest in it. I don't like to give advice, rather I guide people to coming up with their own solutions. Forgiveness is my superpower. Letting go is not.

I'm just a girl. I don't pretend to be anything else, and I don't wish to be anyone else. This is me. You can take it or leave it. Just remember, if you decide to take it, you're agreeing to take all of it. If you decide to leave it, please leave it in a way that reflects dignity and value... I am worth at least that much. We all are.

Forever Indebted

I am beginning to relinquish my feelings of sorrow for feelings of gratitude. It's strange to admit that out loud. Nevertheless, it's a truth I'm now living. I am thankful for the ebb and flow of emotions that pour from this experience. The valleys have made me really appreciate the peaks, and I am thankful for the immense feelings of loss, for they bring comfort to the fact that I once experienced something that warrants such ardent feelings. I am able to begin compartmentalizing areas of my life from one another, helping me to really value the ever-evolving concept of healing.
But regardless of where I am on my journey at this moment, I don't ever want to dismiss or not acknowledge what I am most thankful for: the benevolent nature of people who remind me that there's more to life than the tragedy that has consumed my thoughts for almost three months. Their innate ability to make me feel joy, to feel balanced, to feel...okay. And when I am not feelings those things, they encourage me to allow the darkness, but not to get lost in it.
When we are consumed by the flames of our own personal hell, we sometimes have to be reminded that we need help being pulled out of it. It is nothing to be ashamed of, rather, it is a necessity. I am all about self sufficiency and independence, but it is a process. Without a support system, without MY support system, I would be a pile of ash. I am not quite sure how to ever thank them in a way that makes them feel, deep inside their bones, how many times they have saved me. Saved me from drowning, saved me from doubt, saved me from hopelessness, saved me from... myself.
No one person has played the same role. It isn't until tragedy that you realize the individual super powers of your army of warriors. I have wanted to feel defeated, but you wouldn't let me. You see, in the midst of my shit storm, you didn't come to me with a solution. No, you merely handed me an umbrella and told me to figure it out. You empowered me to understand that while I can't stop the storm, I damn sure don't have to stand in the rain.
But some days it pours. And some days I forget my umbrella. And on those days, I realize the storm is coming from my eyes, soaking my cheeks with memories, begging to be wiped away. And I do it. I wipe them. And after the storms on those days, I realize that while I am not waterproof, I learn to appreciate the sun a little more. And by the sun, I mean you...each and every one of you.
To those of you who have played a part {and I am positive you know who you are}, thank you. Thank you for not allowing me to savor in my solitude. Thank you for your {sometimes merciless} honesty. Thank you for preserving the best parts of me. You have all picked up pieces of a broken me, and have put me back together in a way I could never do myself. You have sifted through those pieces with me, helping me purge the ones that no longer fit. You made me realize that those pieces are not missing pieces of myself... those pieces were hers that I feared releasing. They no longer belong to me. They aren't missing... they were merely clinched in the crevices of my grip, cutting my flesh, waiting to be let go. And with your help, they are now planted in the earth with the intent that they will be picked up with the winds of this storm, and returned to her, as they should be.
And without those pieces, I am lighter.... able to fly higher.
So thank you all, for giving me the courage to trade those small, heavy pieces for larger, lighter wings. Above the storm I go, to a place of extraordinary restoration.

Much Love,
Beth

A very special thank you to: NM, CM, SW, KT, JW, RW, JF, CA, JVJ, JT, JH, DA, DJ, JG, KN

Fire Works

Fire. Such a fascinating element.
It never fails in the many facets of its purpose.

As I read everyone's personal reviews of their 2017, I am at a loss as to how I can sum mine up to a few sentences. I'm scared of overlooking all the good. And then I think, "How can I?"

If you had asked me a month ago how my year went, I would have probably used a hand gesture to describe how I felt about it because I couldn't muster the mental energy to illustrate it with words.
But somehow, through excruciating pain, came an extraordinary end to the year 2017. I discovered fire.

I discovered how it burns, and it warms. It destroys, and it welds. It produces black ash, and provides bright light. It spreads, it smolders, it glows, and it cracks. And with each characteristic, it serves a purpose.

Whatever it touches, it burns. Words and thoughts can be fire, people can be fire, and experiences can be fire. They all have the potential to burn us... and sometimes they do.

But, I also learned that those same things can bring us warmth. They can make us feel comforted, safe, relaxed, and welcomed. They can weld our broken parts, and heat the cold corners of our hearts. They can tame us when we are raging, and they can bring us light when we are blind.

2017 has brought me all of the above. Nearing the end of 2017, though, my world was clouded with darkness. What i failed to realize, though, is that the darkness is the best lighting to see a spark. And life handed me a few in the last few weeks. And those sparks... well, they were beautiful, and warm, and... extraordinary. They presented in the form of people and experiences, family and friends, moments of clarity and moments of unexpected joy.

Just like fire, we become ignited. And just like fire, all it takes is a spark. My wish for those who need that spark... once you find it, may your flame breed a wildfire so bright it outshines the glaring embers that illuminated the worst parts of your seemingly impossible feats.

Fire is light. Don't seek it... be it.

Happy New Year, everyone.

Where Head Meets Heart

Hearts are hard to enter, but easy to hurt.
They love hard, but break harder.
They can dance to the beat of euphoria, or they can wilt in the darkness of pain.

The mind is the most powerful tool, and the most dangerous to operate.
It can carry us through, or bury us under.
It can create bliss, and destroy exuberance.

When the two collide, it's either elation or catastrophe. They are either in perfect unison, or they are at war. Do we listen, or do we feel? Where is our soul in this equation?

When our heart and our mind are not slow dancing together, or plummeting into tragedy, we wait in a state of purgatory for our fate. We battle for balance. We make sense of what we know, and we search to understand what we don't.

When we come to the realization that heartbreak is out of our control, and that it's someone else who supersedes the power of our feelings, we lose sight of our reality. We wonder what we did wrong. Where it went wrong. What we could have done differently. A soul that was once warmth has been frostbitten, and our mind tells us this can't be real. But it is. And it will be. And you alone cannot change it. You want to feel like it is all a dream, so you feel with your heart. You want to work for the fight to pull through, so you think with your mind... only to realize you are playing tug-of-war with your soul. Ultimately realizing you are the only one putting forth the effort to battle the demons that have been blindly haunting the relationship.

Effort should be effortless. A beautiful irony, that is. Our will to work for alignment between our heart and head should always be a need, not a choice. When life becomes hard, so should our work to personify the quality of life we intrinsically believe we deserve. Our results are our reflection of our will. We define what failure is. We construct our underpinning of which we build our version of where we believe we should be, need to be, or want to be. Along the way, we meet many wrecking balls, who pull us so high just to come crashing down on what we spent so long assembling. And once we are down to our last brick, when there is nothing left to tear down, it is the dust that settles...not us. We rise. We rebuild. And we become better. The broken pieces still left of our heart are merely fragments of our mind that still want to hold on. Let them go. Our mind belongs to our heart, and what a love story that could be...

Moving On...

So, here I am, wanting to write and not knowing where to even begin...

The last week or so, I have felt...angry, I guess you could say. For many reasons, but mainly for the way I feel trapped. Lately, things had been going relatively well for me, and then not so much. Things were looking up, and then not so much. I have felt that things aren't fair, but I am also tired of victim mentality. So annoying.

I have tried to handle everything with as much poise, grace, consideration, and respect as possible. I tried to promise myself I would not get angry, or mad, or mean. Those things just don't fit with how I like to handle/manage/process things and situations. BUT, here I am... mad, angry, and resentful. These things have no room in my heart, but I forgot about my head.... there's plenty of room there. I guess these feelings were inevitable, but I can still handle these feelings productively.

Sometimes, I wish I could be the asshole everyone wants me to be. And lately, I have come close. But what I can be is real. I can admit that I have not been fair to myself. I have not put myself as my priority. I have taken responsibility for more than I should, and I have allowed my feelings to manifest in ways that are emotionally self-destructive. This has got to stop. It is time for me. It is time I redefine, re-establish, and rediscover myself. I have been thirsty for this, but couldn't find my way to it... until today.

I walked into what, for years, has been my home. When I opened the door, the most familiar place in the world did not feel familiar at all. It just suddenly wasn't the same. For the first time, I felt like I shouldn't be there. I have had unpleasant feelings walking into the house ever since the break-up, but never have I felt like this. I stood in the middle of the living room floor, petting the dogs, completely void of emotion. I looked around as if I have never seen the place before, and it hit me... this is no longer my life, nor will it be again... and for some reason, I was completely fine with that notion. I have been very clear in understanding that she was not coming back, but this is the first time I realized I don't want her to. The clarity on that hit me like a brick. I sobbed...not out of sadness, but because I felt relieved. I finally let go of the parts of this situation that has been holding me back from focusing on what is important to me. For so long, I have been focusing so hard on how I was going to fathom moving forward, that I forgot to start moving altogether. And now that I have taken steps forward, going backward just no longer makes any sense.

I took the long way back to work. As I drove, I realized I have taken away permission from myself to understand my worth. I have doubted my worth for weeks. I have allowed the situation to define my worth. Well, guess what?! I am a good fucking (sorry, not sorry) person. I deserve more. I have a great heart, with a good soul, with plenty to give, and a hell of a lot to learn. I deserve a happiness that matches my value. I am intelligent, I love hard, and I am learning how to stand up for myself in a way that protects me from my vulnerabilities. I am learning from my experiences rather than dwelling in them. 

I still hold on to hope...but not hope for us to work out. Rather, hope that I continue to love without fear. I am still trying to get her back...but the her is now me. I've rediscovered parts of me that I have missed for a while, and getting me back is starting to feel really good. Do I still miss her? Of course... but Ive missed me more.  It is no longer about her, or the past, or what could have been. It is about me, moving forward, and toward what is meant to be....

Warning Label

Where to  begin on this one...

The demise of my relationship did not steal the best parts of me. It did not steal my light, it simply dimmed it. It did not steal my joy, it just made me doubt it. And it did not steal my affinity for love, it made me realize my infinite capacity for it.

A relationship ends, and you are left processing your feelings (allll the feelings), picking up the pieces, putting yourself back together, and carrying on...

For me, the carrying on part is like being on a treadmill lately. You are pushing through, as hard as you can, yet you seem to go nowhere. And, it's not that I can't make myself get anywhere, it's that some things are out of my control. I feel like I have been stamped with a huge warning label.... DANGER: JUST GOT OUT OF A 10 YEAR RELATIONSHIP; APPROACH WITH CAUTION! The thing is... I am not mad about it. I can't be. The reservation is extremely valid, I cannot argue with the emotional disposition of the "warning".

What I CAN say, however, is that I wholeheartedly appreciate the honesty given to me by another about these reservations. The open communication, the shared concerns, and the willingness to move forward at a reasonable, appropriate pace. It's tough being told by others that you're not ready for certain things...but sometimes, to a certain extent, it's necessary. Their reservations put me in check as well...which is also necessary.

Though... the last few weeks, my heart has danced.

Finding someone unexpectedly, who makes you realize things, feel things, and understand things about yourself that you haven't explored in a while is both extraordinary and terrifying. I have been challenged in so many ways in the past few weeks than I have in the past year. In a good way... a great way actually. Conversations are easy, and organic. I have more clarity, and I feel much more motivated to participate in my own life. Though slowing down isn't easy, it's best... and the fact that slowing down is an option (rather than stopping altogether) makes it feel worth it.

There's something about connection, though, that provokes drive. This one person, in particular, has inspired me to learn more about myself than anyone has in a very, very long time. I feel I have been awaken; to find my purpose, my potential, and to reignite my passion... independently and organically. I don't feel the need to seek other's approval, to make decisions based on their reactions, or feel the need to hold back. I am excited about life, and what it is in the process of leading me to. I feel empowered to make some changes within myself; changes that would make me a stronger, less vulnerable version of myself... which, let's be honest, I've needed for a while. I've been told I don't have a mean bone in my body...that I need some grit. Honestly, I have to agree. I've learned there's a fine line between nice and enabling. Grit separates the difference.

In the past few weeks, I've laughed from deep in my belly, I've connected in ways that I have been missing out on, and I have learned that simple, superficial, silly shared interests actually make all the difference. I've experienced someone who has the same amount of passion for their purpose as I do about mine...maybe even more. Passion about purpose is absolutely beautiful. It's inspiring, and I cannot fathom not having a passion for something. But the fire that burns from this person's heart could warm an entire city... it's extraordinary.

So, to you...the one who I get to go slow with:
The warning label is necessary, but not permanent. It is understandable, but not defining. And if slowing down is what it takes to ensure protection, certainty, and clarity, for both of us,
then I'm perfectly happy with that. I have so much respect for your honesty, clear expectations, and open communication.  I have developed an amazing respect for you, and what you stand for.  I love that you are true to yourself, and are strong to your values of you doing you. I value who you are, and appreciate the way you genuinely care. I thoroughly enjoy the time we spend together, even when it's just for a few hours, and I love that simple things make you happy. I revel in our conversations, as they are both thought-provoking and refreshing, and I could talk to you for hours (obviously). Thank you for your perspective, and for sharing your take on life. You are truly extraordinary, and I am thankful that you unexpectedly wandered into my life...