Climb On

You know what ironically doesnt discriminate? Pain and heartbreak. It's universal, and it's a language everyone understands in some way, whether it's a break up, divorce, death, trauma, or a string of bad news. But love and restoration are also universal. This time last year I was in a pretty dark place. It wasnt just because of one thing, rather it was dealing with a lot of loss (including myself). I celebrated nothing. I was forced to go to breakfast for my birthday (which I am so thankful for now), and I had given up on trying to be genuinely happy for the time being. This year, however, I feel like I have an overwhelming amount of things to celebrate. And I realized how dark it was after losing focus of what I've gained over what I've lost. Sheesh, what a difference a year makes.

I could write about those hardships and difficulties I have faced, but I choose not to. Truth is, everyone faces them. If I'm going to look back over the last year, I choose to focus on what I have gained and accomplished instead. I choose to focus on the restoration.

I went to my first broadway show,
ran my 4th half marathon, got promoted at work, made new forever friends, started development on non-profit, achieved a healthier version of myself, celebrated my sisters engagement/marriage, raised my credit score, paid off a credit card, went on dates, had more first kisses, my blog reached 5 countries and had over 1200 views, went to therapy, went to Cali where I rode a road bike, partied, walked a suspension bridge, and where my comfort zone was challenged in more ways than I can count. I was blessed with the opportunity to be a part of a campaign that won LLS Woman of the Year. I learned more about loss and death, and how through the pain, they plant seeds for growth around everything and everyone they knew. I've reunited with people that will never not have residence in my heart, and I'm going on month 6 or 7 being vegan. I finally got to meet my best friend's girlfriend, and more importantly, I got to see (in person) how happy she is and how far she has come as well. I have learned how to take things in stride, to say 'yes' more to adventure and to say 'no' more to work-related pressures. Stress has recently knocked me to the floor, but I have a very strong support system that has helped me get back to health. I am finding balance in my life, and I have learned to love my new normal.

And... I took risks. For what seemed like forever, I was so incredibly scared to let people into my heart, as it was under construction. To take the risk, to chance feeling pain again seemed irresponsible to me. But risk is hardly risk when your heart is given back to you. Like a boomerang. And if you dont take risks, you miss out on moving mountains. On progress. On opportunities that fill holes and bury doubt.

I let my guard down, despite my unwavering determination not to. I didnt gently hand my heart over, I threw it. At the time, it didnt make any sense to me why I would do that. But, the concept of time introduced me to the art of indulging in experiences, and not taking opportunities for granted. But what I did not expect was my heart to be given right back to me. To get to experience how I love from someone else. Dont get me wrong, I feel I dont deserve it at times because I'm still trying to figure out balance and overcoming the fear of loss, but having said that, it doesnt diminish the capacity of the love I recieve, daily. I've learned it's not about giving your heart away...its about finding one whose beat has been missing from the soundtrack of your existence. And you dont know that it has been missing until you hear it. And it's the song that introduces the biggest plot twist... the one that makes you say "I did NOT see that coming, but I'm so glad it did."

So closing out a year that has been an uphill climb is bittersweet.... because this view from the top is overwhelmingly satisfying and breathtaking. A view that allows me to see all that I've been blessed with (the good and the bad). A view that puts into perspective the reward that arises from risk, sacrifice, and determination.

I have done well with forgiveness this year, for others, but mostly to myself. Theres so much more I want/need to work on still, and so opportunities will not be taken for granted.

In 2019 I'm challenging myself to make more meaningful connections with others. To live a more purpose-filled life, and to put myself first sometimes. To lift others up, and when they are up, I will let them know their work has not gone unnoticed. I will gossip less, and brag on those around me more. I will be more present. I will celebrate good news, and I will look for silver linings in the bad.

So, Happy New Year, and cheers to finding your next mountain to climb. May the views continue to be extraordinary. 

Learning The Most

I know with death, there is always a lot of confusion, wonder, and questions. There are a lot of thoughts and feelings that plague our hearts and our minds. We put a lot of pressure on ourselves when we tell ourselves (or when someone else tells us) that we have to get over it and move on. And we often overlook the fact that there is an alternative exit strategy to "getting over it", and that is to get through it. Some circumstances are not made for getting over...those are the ones we have to get through. And as bad as it sucks, and as painful as it is, getting through it requires a strength that you never knew you had, and one that you will learn to never let go of. It's empowering, really.

Life is short. We know that. Our days are numbered. We know that, too. It is so unfathomably unfortunate the way that gets put into perspective sometimes. But they are there. Those circumstances. No matter if they are expected, or come out of the dark and set your world on fire. They are there. And then pain consumes us, and we don't know what to do. So we are forced to grieve.

We all have our own way of grieving. Some of us cry a lot. Some of us sleep and withdraw. Some of us turn to others for support. Some of us consume things that make us forget momentarily. Some of us are seemingly selfish in our search for answers, demanding we get them, no matter how much it hurts others to give the answers. Some of us sit idly in denial. Then there are some of us that celebrate. Yes, you read that correctly. I said celebrate.

Lee was in a pivotal chapter in my life. I am honored to have known him, and I learned a lot in that period of time when he was a constant in our group. But, if I am going to be 100% transparent, he taught me more after his departure from his Earthy life than he did when he was here.

Let me explain:

Upon hearing the news, I hung up the phone and immediately called, without hesitation, someone I trusted who would talk to me about it in an honest capacity. I haven't spoken to this individual in such depth, about something so intense, in well over ten years. It was an automatic response, and I followed through with it. It was at that moment I understood what that part of my life meant to me. How it impacted my life. How, my friends were not my friends. They were my family. How no one could ever replace them, no matter what in life got in the way.

Fast forward to the service... it took me a while to figure out how to put my thoughts into words on this. It wasn't even about the amount of people there. It was about who we were. We represented a live timeline of Lee's life. He was in each of our lives, serving different purposes for each of us. We all had stories, we all had memories, we all had... "a nice time" with Lee at some point in our lives. Hearing the stories, just wow. With every tear on every cheek, on every row and those standing... they told stories, they stained our faces with sadness as we traveled through time hearing those stories.

But looking past the tears... the amount of love, the amount of support, the amount of light that was present was moving. People who haven't seen each other in years were reunited. People met new people. People made new friends. We all made new memories. All of that happened, and was made possible, only because our eyes, our hearts, and our minds were opened to the fact that life is short. We realized this situation was bigger than our feelings. It was bigger than our thoughts, opinions, and our assumptions about what happened. It was bigger than our sadness.

It's about understanding that our fall-outs with people shouldn't define our entire experience with them on our journey. It's about understanding that some wounds won't heal, but they don't always have to hurt. It's about the scars, both literal and metaphorical, that serve as reminders of what has instilled the strength we have today. It's about realizing how many people would selflessly place themselves in your darkness, just so you wouldn't have to navigate it alone. How do we not celebrate that? How do we not bask in the realization that one single person could fill a room with 39 years of experiences that bring us all together with one common denominator...compassion? How?

Fast forward to the fellowship that followed the service. Only Lee could host the party (reunion) of the year without even being there. It was here that I realized how special my friends are to me. How I was reminded of why I consider them family. And it was there that I realized there was nothing anyone could do to get in the way of that. Ever. We were able to talk, and laugh, and cry together. I felt guilty for laughing, but then, not really. I felt more thankful for my journey in this thing called life, and the experiences that have shaped who I am today than ever. I hugged people with deep endearment, I smiled with confidence, and my love for everyone there was unwavering.

Then there was the "After party", where everyone continued celebrating downtown. To me, this was the most pivotal part of the night. It is where a lot of us started over, even if it was right from where we left off. This is where I learned, with conviction, what life was about. It is about saying yes to more experiences. It is about finding your purpose, and living it. It is about not holding back, not being afraid, and not letting your past get in the way of your future. It is about letting go of assumptions, and living in the moment. People deserve the real you. Be that version of yourself. It is about appreciating your roots. Meeting new people and making new memories with every experience, no matter how significant or insignificant. Learn to be happy for people's successes, not envious. It is about accepting that life is short, and that each day we spend not being kind to ourselves or others, living in regret, living with hate in our hearts, or living naively with the mindset that we have all the time in the world to do what we want to do, we are depriving ourselves of our purpose. It's about understanding there is always something to celebrate. Always.

We put so much pressure on ourselves to live up to expectations that we allow others to set for us. This experience has taught me so much about cutting those chains, and focusing on what I want for myself. You can have your picture perfect photos that took you three hours to take, just to get the perfect lighting and angle. I want the candid pictures of me and my friends with out heads thrown back in laughter, looking a hot mess in sweats, sitting around a fire, talking about life and how we have even made it this far. Because that is real life. And sometimes, I lose sight of that. I am pretty sure we all do. And then something like this happens, and we are slapped in the face with earth shattering reality.

So how do we become more mindful and aware of when we lose sight? Well, for me, the answer was unfortunately discovered through the death of a friend, which has relentlessly reminded of some very valuable life lessons:

People are precious, and the journey you take with them has value. Always.
Experiences are not to be taken for granted, and are meant to be shared.
Everyone has a purpose, and the responsibility to be kind, compassionate, and forgiving.
Memories are to be cherished and talked about. Often.
Plans are to be followed through with, not just talked about.
The impact we have on others is limitless, and lasting. Make it positive.
We are influencing people when we don't even realize it. Make it inspiring.
Appreciation for the small things is scarce. Let's bring it back.
And finally, family is not defined by DNA, and there is always room at the table for more.

I understand that Lee is no longer physically with us, but through this experience, his presence has never been so prominent.

Be the kind of person who's memorial would be standing room only.

Many thanks, and much love to you, Lee.


Beth

And to those of you who were closest to Lee... don't pressure yourself to be "okay". Just be you. Raw you. In time, you will feel a sense of normalcy. Until then, just know that your support system is big enough to fill a church.

The Note

There's no way I could express myself or talk about this because I could never make the illogic of suicide logical to those who aren't...me.

You will probably be so angry with me, and rightfully so. I am so sorry. So very sorry. You were there for me, and you were enough. You did enough. You loved me enough. This wasn't senseless. In fact, this was plaguing my mind throughout the day. Every day. You helped me fight. You helped me understand compassion. And you most certainly taught me about love.

You must have so many questions. Unfortunately, I have no concrete answer for you. That part is where I have failed most. I don't have the answers for myself either. And that is where I struggle the most. I didn't reach out overtly because I didn't need saving. I needed solitude. An intrinsic belief that my happiness didn't need to depend on others. You gave me moments. Glimpses of refuge that I longed to be able to give myself. This was not about worth, feelings of inadequacy, or lack of faith. This was about me battling a war within myself that I wouldn't wish upon anyone.

But please know this: My laughs were real. My smiles you gave me were real. My heart loved genuinely. I have you to thank for all of that. My world without you would have been apocalyptic. Everyone who was part of my journey gave me reason to want to see what could happen next. How many smiles I could muster up, thanks to an incredible community of friends. What you don't realize is that none of this was to hurt you. You, in fact, kept me going. You gave me life. But somewhere along the way, I realized that without you, I was lifeless. My smiles were masks, and I was outgrowing them. Then you would do the next incredible thing, and I'd realize life was about moments, not the memories that come from those moments. And, unfortunately, moments can also be grueling darkness, laced with fear and uncertainty about whether I would ever be at peace with myself.

It isn't fair to you. I know that. And there is nothing I can say to make it fair. I know that, too. But, and please forgive me for this, this isn't about you. It never was. I would never do this TO you. I did this FOR me. There's a difference, and trust me when I say I struggled daily with knowing I would cause you much pain. I hope you can learn to forgive me. I hope you will never be able to understand this. I wish that on no one. Celebrate your resilience. It isn't as easy as it seems to many.

I know I am leaving you, but understand that the love I have for you is immeasurable. I lost my ability to make sense of life, but you were always there, reminding me that trying was worth it. And though I grew weak from all the trying, I have no doubt the collective strength you unknowingly bestowed upon me will inevitably be the same strength that gets you through this. I envy that strength. I always have.

Thank you. So much. For being the golden chariots that so gracefully carried me through my war-torn world.

Farewell.

Ex Appeal

Dear Exes,
You have all played a pivotal role in my understanding of preservation in regard to relationships. So, thank you for that. Exes dont always get the credit they deserve. So...
Thank you all for being exactly what I needed at that juncture in my life. Whether it ended well or not, I choose to focus on growth.
My hope is that I taught you as much as you taught me about life, love, relationships, and growth. I have learned so much throughout life, and much of that is from my time with you. Regardless of what phase in my life you were a part of, the love and appreciation I have for you measures the same.
The experiences we shared have given me the ability to do better, be better, and become wiser. I'm sorry it has taken me this long to realize that the aftermath of us is worth as much as when we were together. Manifested differently, of course, but still as valuable. I've learned how to navigate grief, anger, sadness, and loss. I have learned a lot about resiliency and recovery. Most of all, I have learned more about forgiveness... both giving it and asking for it... than ever through my relationships.
I have learned to compartmentalize my wants and my needs regarding my feelings. I still get mad, and sad, and feel pain at times, and it makes me want to hate (either you or myself, depending on how our story ended). But I realize I dont need to hate. I need to be thankful that one of us realized forever wasnt for us. So that we can have a chance with whoever forever is. Hurting someone is hard, and being hurt by someone seems harder. But pain is pain, and at some point we have to stop and ask ourselves, "What did this teach me?" instead of "Why did this happen to me?" When we learn to reflect on the truths of the relationship, we begin to see that even though we were a part of each other's lives, it does not necessarily mean we were part of a whole. For a while, we were a whole. We were as whole as we were meant to be for that time. We were wholeheartedly all in. And though we ended, it doesn't take away from the fact that there was a beginning and middle that shaped how we view what love looks like, feels like, and how different each experience can be.
You have also taught me about fear and bravery. Being scared shitless to give my heart away again. Scared of being hurt or hurting someone else. Scared to take chances and scared to do life solo. Scared I will never find a best friend in someone else like I did with you. But that fear provoked courage to do all of those things. The end of each of our relationships brought a chance for the beginning of a new one. And with each new one, new courage, new confidence, and new perspective bloomed. In other words, I'm doing something right if each new journey is different than the one before.
Break ups have taught me about effort, and how sometimes we become monotonous and stop trying. And how there's no such thing as compensating for someone's else's lack of effort. Lack of effort seems to mean lack of desire. Ouch. But it doesnt mean it is/was purposeful. We didn't plan pain, we didn't plan an end. And what we DO plan, well, sometimes it gets rained out...washing away everything that hides the truth and exposing us to the hard reality that our shore has eroded. And that's hard to face, but necessary nonetheless.
Whether we were together for ten days or ten years, each relationship has brought purpose to my life and depth to who I have become. I appreciate and will always preserve the best parts of each of you. Because, at the end of the day, some of the very best parts of my life were with you, and some of those memories will remain that way.
If I hurt you, please forgive me. At the time, I thought I was doing the best I could. If you hurt me, my forgiveness is yours. Thank you for the pain...it reminds me of how real my feelings were for you, and in retrospect, that's an extraordinary gift you have given me; the opportunity to love you.

Forever grateful,
Beth

Moments are Medicine

I'm going to be honest, I did not want this weekend to end. I want to still be sitting across the table from my best friend, eating dinner and talking about her new chapter, watching her cheeks rise when she talks about it, experiencing in person how happy she really is now. I want to still be sitting at a table with friends and family, laughing until my face hurts. I want to still be talking wedding at the table with my sister. I want to still be sitting at the table with family at the island, soaking up the sun and eating crawfish. From the weather to the people, I could not have asked for a more exuberant weekend. And while the sun was warm enough to hug our skin, it wasn't near as warm as the people who were hugging my heart.

There was one moment, though, that I felt the most present and alive. As we were sitting at R&R, there was a moment where I just looked around the table, and in my mind the sound faded, and I just watched as everyone was laughing, smiling, and genuinely enjoying each other's company. We were throwing our heads back in laughter, wiping happy tears from our eyes, and having to take breaks from smiling because our cheeks were sore.This group has never been together before. Ever. But you would have never known it. No one was looking at their phone. No one was checking their watch. No one was in a hurry to leave. There was no time for awkward silences or feelings of discomfort. Everything was simply right. It was the first time in a long time that I felt I was right where I was supposed to be. Where I wanted to be. 

And if that wasn't already enough, hearing the news that my soon-to-be-sister-in-law told us that some unexpected guests will in fact be attending their wedding made my heart do cartwheels. That news alone would have made my entire weekend, and as we were writing down dates, and ideas, and to-do's, I couldn't help but get even more excited for October! 

I could go on about all the details of the weekend, but I won't. I don't need to. I have them locked inside of me, and I can appreciate them without validation from others. I simply wanted to make clear the fact that I have discovered ways to free myself from...myself. I have been told countless times to stop beating myself up, to do something that makes me happy, to move on. None of those things seemed possible for a long time. They still don't a lot of the time, but after this weekend, I have reassurance that happiness is something I can allow myself to feel without feeling bad about it. That I can accept that I have made mistakes, but I am worth forgiveness, no matter if it is immediate or months/years down the road. I am deserving. I don't want to miss out on opportunities to be present in joy. I don't want to worry about things that are no longer relevant to me. I don't want to miss something/someone so much that I dismiss taking chances on other experiences. 

If every weekend you get to experience the kind of joy I experienced this weekend, do not take that for granted. Do not become desensitized to appreciating those moments. And talk about them. Talk about what makes your face hurt. Talk about what in those moments meant the most to you. Talk about plans to do it again. Don't ignore the meaning of moments. Live in them, thrive from them, and grow into a person who radiates a level of liveliness that others cannot help but want to join. 

As there was so much to celebrate this weekend, I am at peace knowing that one of the things I can personally celebrate is the peace of mind I gave myself this weekend. I got out of my head long enough to make room for new memories. Here's to hoping for many more...

Full-Filled

It feels so good to love, and be loved. To share interests, and to learn differences. To know intimacy can be infinite, and your capacity to love is limitless.
It feels good to be challenged, to be pushed, and to be supported. To be in the company of someone who makes your mind, body and soul feel at home and at peace.
It feels good to look forward to the beginning of every day, and the end of every night. To get random texts that are laced with sentiment, for no reason other than to make you smile.
It feels good to make sense of the unknown with someone who is just as perplexed as you by the complexities of life. To explore the corners of each other's mind in an effort to decipher, or make sense of the shared connection that seems too good to be real.

I've missed this. All of this. I've missed it so much, and have wanted it so much, that I have tried to assign inexact meaning and feelings to people and situations. Misplaced and misguided emotions have provoked confusion and further pain. And perspective was, at times, dysfunctional. All because I've been so thirsty for someone or something that could offer the above mentioned desires. Just so thirsty.

But I started thinking about that thirst. And it hit me. If I'm so thirsty for something, it means my cup is... empty. My cup does not runneth over. You see, my relationship was the shelter for my being. But what was it sheltering? I don't know, anymore... that's the part of me I lost along the way. But that's not a terrible discovery. It simply means I get to find out who I am outside of identifying myself as a co-pilot in this flight of life. Exciting, right?

If my cup is empty, I have very little of MYSELF to offer. I have PLENTY to offer as a partner, as a friend, as a sister/daughter/aunt, and as a professional. But what about as a person? I don't know how to answer that without identifying myself as a part of those roles.

If we fill our cups with good, good will eventually spill out of us and into others. If we don't nurture the good in us, it becomes tainted, surely to produce a drout. How can we expect to meet the needs of another person when we don't feel like we have what it takes to meet our own needs? How can we be our own person if we keep drinking from other's cups instead of filling our own?

I keep saying I wish I could skip this part of healing and get to the part of my happily ever after. But why? Why would I want to skip this freedom to rediscover what makes me, me? When I meet someone, I want to be someone. I want to be confident that what makes up my persona is so extraordinary that it doesn't matter if it doesn't work out with someone else... because I'm happy with who I am, and i want someone who appreciates that about me.

If I were to get into a relationship right now, I could almost guarantee life would start to revolve around them. About what makes them happy, what makes them smile, and what I could do to show them how much they mean to me. I would spend my time making sure they knew that they are wonderful just the way they are. And none of that has anything to do with me. None of those things reflect my individualism. I don't want someone to like me for what I can do for them. I want them to like me for the person I am, flaws and all. If that's makes them happy, then what I am doing for them is secondary to what I'm doing for myself.

Don't get me wrong, I know and understand that relationships require sacrifice and compromise. But I'm not willing to sacrifice any part of me right now, unless it's for the people I love, currently in my life. I want to experience life without distraction. I don't want to be missing someone if I go on a trip. I dont want to wonder if my partner will be mad or disappointed if I want to do something that I know they aren't interested in. I don't want to miss out on opportunities because of someone else. And I know I would do all of that if i were to allow myself to be in a relationship right now.  I want to experience life with my undivided attention.  So, it wouldn't be fair.. to either of us.

You have to take care of the 'u' if you ever want it to become a successful 'us'. I May not want this time, but I need it. I need it to fill my cup. I need it to know that when I DO meet someone, I will be okay with taking it slow, despite the racing heart and honeymoon phase bliss, because I need to preserve what I feel are the best parts of me. I don't want to constantly be thinking of someone else right now. I want to constantly be thinking of my next exciting adventure in self exploration. I want to be a better me, so I can be better for the 'we' when the time comes.

Whether you're in a relationship or not, don't forget you are someone outside of the roles you take on. You are a person. Ask yourself who you are outside of those roles. If your answers are superficial and void of real meaning, please take time to rediscover what makes you feel fulfilled without others. And if you can answer with meaning, ask yourself if you're still doing those things for yourself. Fill your cup.

Take It or Leave It

Lately I have allowed myself to think. Really think. Uninterrupted thought, winding through every emotional ripple in my brain, eventually taking residence there. I have had control of these thoughts for a while now, but there was always a part of me that wouldn't allow myself to really feel the thoughts. It proved dangerous to my mentality, so I would dismiss the thoughts.
But over the past two weeks or so, I have given myself permission to feel. And trust me when I say, I have felt all the feelings. All of them. I have cried more than I would like to admit, and I have been angry, and confused, and disappointed. And despite these sometimes impossible feelings, I have been able to brave the storm. But, through all of the thoughts, and the feelings, and the self-sabotage, I have learned that I am worth the other side of all these feelings. And I have learned that I cannot allow others to make me feel otherwise. I'm not going to change who I am just because my immense feelings of doubt and rejection lie in the forefront of my mind. They don't have to live there. I am not allowing them to unpack. So I have done a lot of self-exploration and reflection of who I am as a person, without these leering doubts and self-assessments.

So who am I, exactly?

I can be quirky and frivolous. I sing loudly, and music is my forever love. I have a seemingly unhealthy obsession with NPR, Sharpies, and words. I write, I read, and I am learning that I like to be read to by people gifted with the talent of finding beauty in words as much as I do. I love movies, any genre, but especially rom-coms and cartoon movies. I love deep conversations that lead to meaningful memories, but I also like thoughtless conversations that lead to laughs that make my face hurt. I am passionate beyond measure, and I love without limits. I have many flaws, some I learn from, and some that will just always be flaws.  I will sometimes bitch about work, but you will never doubt my love for what I do. I am the type of person that wants to know about your day, no matter how good or bad it was. I am a giver. My favorite thing to do is surprise people, and random acts of kindness. There's probably more room in my heart for animals than people, and I have no shame about that. My family is my world, and no one will every gain as much access to my mind and heart than my sister, Nikki. My friends are my army, and I can confidently say they are better than yours.

I have goals, dreams, and I am ambitious. I feel defeated a lot, but I am also a survivor. I am mentally and emotionally strong...though sometimes my strength likes to take breaks. I am proud of my accomplishments and my abilities, but I am very humble. I am crafty and creative, and I can be clever and punny. I love food, and I struggle with my weight at times, and other times I feel beautiful. I try to do all things with grace, but I am also fluent in profanity. I am far from perfect, but I understand that I will be perfect for someone, someday. I hate the word "normal", and I surround myself with people who respect and appreciate those who are not "normal".

Driving is my favorite me time, and my car is my safe place. I am an extrovert, but do not like all attention on me. I am social, but I have zero problem staying in and laying in bed all day/night doing absolutely nothing. I would prefer to sit by a fire than go to a bar or a club. Kindness is my favorite, and I do not tolerate people with tongues that drip with disdain. I am not one for revenge, but I do believe in karma. I suck at receiving compliments, but I love giving them. I love anticipation leading up to something exciting, and I sometimes get overly excited about simple things. I can be trusted, and I suck at lying. I like taking risks, but not the kind that will result in me wearing orange.

I don't like favorites, it limits my capacity to appreciate things on a spectrum. I am real, and I appreciate when people put their real selves out there, not the perfect version of themselves. I don't wear designer clothes, and Target is the closest place to heaven I've been. I love eyes and smiles...not only in the physical sense, but in the stories that they tell as well. I believe most people are good, and that everyone deserves love, even if it's not from me. I find value in all experiences, no matter how much pain it may have induced. To me, happiness is contagious, but I also am the person that wants to punch peppy morning people in the face. I take selfies, but not to be narcissistic, rather to mark milestones, accomplishments, or to promote self-love.

I don't drink coffee, but I love juice. I like beer, but I am picky. I don't make a ton of money, but the difference my work makes is priceless. I am confident, but not within all areas of myself. I love being the big spoon during cuddle sessions. I hate clothes, but enjoy wearing cute outfits. I tend to steal sheets/covers, but I don't snore. I like to look at the person I am sleeping next to while they are sleeping, hoping they are dreaming about something wonderful. I love getting surprise texts that make me smile. I love taking pictures, and you will have no idea when I am taking half of them.

I love and appreciate raw emotions and honesty, no matter how bad it hurts sometimes. I am the type of partner that supports you 100%, and you will never go a day without knowing how much you mean. You will never have to wonder if you are good enough or if you are loved. I love notes, no matter if they are one line or twenty. I love simple surprises, and would rather receive a sweet or smart ass text than a gift. I appreciate creative gestures. I love musicals, and theater, but have never been to a Broadway show. I am not into fancy dates, for I would rather have a picnic in the park, cook dinner together, or binge watch movies or shows under covers.

I love the water, people's accents, and open-mindedness. I try not to hate, but sometimes I find myself using the word. I like to travel and try new things. I like firsts, especially if it's an adventure with someone else who is experiencing it for the first time as well. I'd rather go camping than stay in a fancy hotel, and when I travel, I don't want to plan where I go...I just want to go. I appreciate random thoughts and ideas. I have many fears, but I love a good challenge. I love finding commonalities with other people, but I appreciate our differences more. I love to learn, and strive to teach.

I stress about money and my future sometimes. I go through bouts of anxiety, and sometimes have unrealistic fears. I also have grandiose ideas, and I like to invent things. I can be impatient sometimes, though I am a pretty patient person for the most part. I am extremely understanding, almost to a fault. I like to play devil's advocate to gain/promote perspective. I am a great listener, and I research the hell out of something before I invest in it. I don't like to give advice, rather I guide people to coming up with their own solutions. Forgiveness is my superpower. Letting go is not.

I'm just a girl. I don't pretend to be anything else, and I don't wish to be anyone else. This is me. You can take it or leave it. Just remember, if you decide to take it, you're agreeing to take all of it. If you decide to leave it, please leave it in a way that reflects dignity and value... I am worth at least that much. We all are.

Forever Indebted

I am beginning to relinquish my feelings of sorrow for feelings of gratitude. It's strange to admit that out loud. Nevertheless, it's a truth I'm now living. I am thankful for the ebb and flow of emotions that pour from this experience. The valleys have made me really appreciate the peaks, and I am thankful for the immense feelings of loss, for they bring comfort to the fact that I once experienced something that warrants such ardent feelings. I am able to begin compartmentalizing areas of my life from one another, helping me to really value the ever-evolving concept of healing.
But regardless of where I am on my journey at this moment, I don't ever want to dismiss or not acknowledge what I am most thankful for: the benevolent nature of people who remind me that there's more to life than the tragedy that has consumed my thoughts for almost three months. Their innate ability to make me feel joy, to feel balanced, to feel...okay. And when I am not feelings those things, they encourage me to allow the darkness, but not to get lost in it.
When we are consumed by the flames of our own personal hell, we sometimes have to be reminded that we need help being pulled out of it. It is nothing to be ashamed of, rather, it is a necessity. I am all about self sufficiency and independence, but it is a process. Without a support system, without MY support system, I would be a pile of ash. I am not quite sure how to ever thank them in a way that makes them feel, deep inside their bones, how many times they have saved me. Saved me from drowning, saved me from doubt, saved me from hopelessness, saved me from... myself.
No one person has played the same role. It isn't until tragedy that you realize the individual super powers of your army of warriors. I have wanted to feel defeated, but you wouldn't let me. You see, in the midst of my shit storm, you didn't come to me with a solution. No, you merely handed me an umbrella and told me to figure it out. You empowered me to understand that while I can't stop the storm, I damn sure don't have to stand in the rain.
But some days it pours. And some days I forget my umbrella. And on those days, I realize the storm is coming from my eyes, soaking my cheeks with memories, begging to be wiped away. And I do it. I wipe them. And after the storms on those days, I realize that while I am not waterproof, I learn to appreciate the sun a little more. And by the sun, I mean you...each and every one of you.
To those of you who have played a part {and I am positive you know who you are}, thank you. Thank you for not allowing me to savor in my solitude. Thank you for your {sometimes merciless} honesty. Thank you for preserving the best parts of me. You have all picked up pieces of a broken me, and have put me back together in a way I could never do myself. You have sifted through those pieces with me, helping me purge the ones that no longer fit. You made me realize that those pieces are not missing pieces of myself... those pieces were hers that I feared releasing. They no longer belong to me. They aren't missing... they were merely clinched in the crevices of my grip, cutting my flesh, waiting to be let go. And with your help, they are now planted in the earth with the intent that they will be picked up with the winds of this storm, and returned to her, as they should be.
And without those pieces, I am lighter.... able to fly higher.
So thank you all, for giving me the courage to trade those small, heavy pieces for larger, lighter wings. Above the storm I go, to a place of extraordinary restoration.

Much Love,
Beth

A very special thank you to: NM, CM, SW, KT, JW, RW, JF, CA, JVJ, JT, JH, DA, DJ, JG, KN

Fire Works

Fire. Such a fascinating element.
It never fails in the many facets of its purpose.

As I read everyone's personal reviews of their 2017, I am at a loss as to how I can sum mine up to a few sentences. I'm scared of overlooking all the good. And then I think, "How can I?"

If you had asked me a month ago how my year went, I would have probably used a hand gesture to describe how I felt about it because I couldn't muster the mental energy to illustrate it with words.
But somehow, through excruciating pain, came an extraordinary end to the year 2017. I discovered fire.

I discovered how it burns, and it warms. It destroys, and it welds. It produces black ash, and provides bright light. It spreads, it smolders, it glows, and it cracks. And with each characteristic, it serves a purpose.

Whatever it touches, it burns. Words and thoughts can be fire, people can be fire, and experiences can be fire. They all have the potential to burn us... and sometimes they do.

But, I also learned that those same things can bring us warmth. They can make us feel comforted, safe, relaxed, and welcomed. They can weld our broken parts, and heat the cold corners of our hearts. They can tame us when we are raging, and they can bring us light when we are blind.

2017 has brought me all of the above. Nearing the end of 2017, though, my world was clouded with darkness. What i failed to realize, though, is that the darkness is the best lighting to see a spark. And life handed me a few in the last few weeks. And those sparks... well, they were beautiful, and warm, and... extraordinary. They presented in the form of people and experiences, family and friends, moments of clarity and moments of unexpected joy.

Just like fire, we become ignited. And just like fire, all it takes is a spark. My wish for those who need that spark... once you find it, may your flame breed a wildfire so bright it outshines the glaring embers that illuminated the worst parts of your seemingly impossible feats.

Fire is light. Don't seek it... be it.

Happy New Year, everyone.