Full-Filled

It feels so good to love, and be loved. To share interests, and to learn differences. To know intimacy can be infinite, and your capacity to love is limitless.
It feels good to be challenged, to be pushed, and to be supported. To be in the company of someone who makes your mind, body and soul feel at home and at peace.
It feels good to look forward to the beginning of every day, and the end of every night. To get random texts that are laced with sentiment, for no reason other than to make you smile.
It feels good to make sense of the unknown with someone who is just as perplexed as you by the complexities of life. To explore the corners of each other's mind in an effort to decipher, or make sense of the shared connection that seems too good to be real.

I've missed this. All of this. I've missed it so much, and have wanted it so much, that I have tried to assign inexact meaning and feelings to people and situations. Misplaced and misguided emotions have provoked confusion and further pain. And perspective was, at times, dysfunctional. All because I've been so thirsty for someone or something that could offer the above mentioned desires. Just so thirsty.

But I started thinking about that thirst. And it hit me. If I'm so thirsty for something, it means my cup is... empty. My cup does not runneth over. You see, my relationship was the shelter for my being. But what was it sheltering? I don't know, anymore... that's the part of me I lost along the way. But that's not a terrible discovery. It simply means I get to find out who I am outside of identifying myself as a co-pilot in this flight of life. Exciting, right?

If my cup is empty, I have very little of MYSELF to offer. I have PLENTY to offer as a partner, as a friend, as a sister/daughter/aunt, and as a professional. But what about as a person? I don't know how to answer that without identifying myself as a part of those roles.

If we fill our cups with good, good will eventually spill out of us and into others. If we don't nurture the good in us, it becomes tainted, surely to produce a drout. How can we expect to meet the needs of another person when we don't feel like we have what it takes to meet our own needs? How can we be our own person if we keep drinking from other's cups instead of filling our own?

I keep saying I wish I could skip this part of healing and get to the part of my happily ever after. But why? Why would I want to skip this freedom to rediscover what makes me, me? When I meet someone, I want to be someone. I want to be confident that what makes up my persona is so extraordinary that it doesn't matter if it doesn't work out with someone else... because I'm happy with who I am, and i want someone who appreciates that about me.

If I were to get into a relationship right now, I could almost guarantee life would start to revolve around them. About what makes them happy, what makes them smile, and what I could do to show them how much they mean to me. I would spend my time making sure they knew that they are wonderful just the way they are. And none of that has anything to do with me. None of those things reflect my individualism. I don't want someone to like me for what I can do for them. I want them to like me for the person I am, flaws and all. If that's makes them happy, then what I am doing for them is secondary to what I'm doing for myself.

Don't get me wrong, I know and understand that relationships require sacrifice and compromise. But I'm not willing to sacrifice any part of me right now, unless it's for the people I love, currently in my life. I want to experience life without distraction. I don't want to be missing someone if I go on a trip. I dont want to wonder if my partner will be mad or disappointed if I want to do something that I know they aren't interested in. I don't want to miss out on opportunities because of someone else. And I know I would do all of that if i were to allow myself to be in a relationship right now.  I want to experience life with my undivided attention.  So, it wouldn't be fair.. to either of us.

You have to take care of the 'u' if you ever want it to become a successful 'us'. I May not want this time, but I need it. I need it to fill my cup. I need it to know that when I DO meet someone, I will be okay with taking it slow, despite the racing heart and honeymoon phase bliss, because I need to preserve what I feel are the best parts of me. I don't want to constantly be thinking of someone else right now. I want to constantly be thinking of my next exciting adventure in self exploration. I want to be a better me, so I can be better for the 'we' when the time comes.

Whether you're in a relationship or not, don't forget you are someone outside of the roles you take on. You are a person. Ask yourself who you are outside of those roles. If your answers are superficial and void of real meaning, please take time to rediscover what makes you feel fulfilled without others. And if you can answer with meaning, ask yourself if you're still doing those things for yourself. Fill your cup.

Take It or Leave It

Lately I have allowed myself to think. Really think. Uninterrupted thought, winding through every emotional ripple in my brain, eventually taking residence there. I have had control of these thoughts for a while now, but there was always a part of me that wouldn't allow myself to really feel the thoughts. It proved dangerous to my mentality, so I would dismiss the thoughts.
But over the past two weeks or so, I have given myself permission to feel. And trust me when I say, I have felt all the feelings. All of them. I have cried more than I would like to admit, and I have been angry, and confused, and disappointed. And despite these sometimes impossible feelings, I have been able to brave the storm. But, through all of the thoughts, and the feelings, and the self-sabotage, I have learned that I am worth the other side of all these feelings. And I have learned that I cannot allow others to make me feel otherwise. I'm not going to change who I am just because my immense feelings of doubt and rejection lie in the forefront of my mind. They don't have to live there. I am not allowing them to unpack. So I have done a lot of self-exploration and reflection of who I am as a person, without these leering doubts and self-assessments.

So who am I, exactly?

I can be quirky and frivolous. I sing loudly, and music is my forever love. I have a seemingly unhealthy obsession with NPR, Sharpies, and words. I write, I read, and I am learning that I like to be read to by people gifted with the talent of finding beauty in words as much as I do. I love movies, any genre, but especially rom-coms and cartoon movies. I love deep conversations that lead to meaningful memories, but I also like thoughtless conversations that lead to laughs that make my face hurt. I am passionate beyond measure, and I love without limits. I have many flaws, some I learn from, and some that will just always be flaws.  I will sometimes bitch about work, but you will never doubt my love for what I do. I am the type of person that wants to know about your day, no matter how good or bad it was. I am a giver. My favorite thing to do is surprise people, and random acts of kindness. There's probably more room in my heart for animals than people, and I have no shame about that. My family is my world, and no one will every gain as much access to my mind and heart than my sister, Nikki. My friends are my army, and I can confidently say they are better than yours.

I have goals, dreams, and I am ambitious. I feel defeated a lot, but I am also a survivor. I am mentally and emotionally strong...though sometimes my strength likes to take breaks. I am proud of my accomplishments and my abilities, but I am very humble. I am crafty and creative, and I can be clever and punny. I love food, and I struggle with my weight at times, and other times I feel beautiful. I try to do all things with grace, but I am also fluent in profanity. I am far from perfect, but I understand that I will be perfect for someone, someday. I hate the word "normal", and I surround myself with people who respect and appreciate those who are not "normal".

Driving is my favorite me time, and my car is my safe place. I am an extrovert, but do not like all attention on me. I am social, but I have zero problem staying in and laying in bed all day/night doing absolutely nothing. I would prefer to sit by a fire than go to a bar or a club. Kindness is my favorite, and I do not tolerate people with tongues that drip with disdain. I am not one for revenge, but I do believe in karma. I suck at receiving compliments, but I love giving them. I love anticipation leading up to something exciting, and I sometimes get overly excited about simple things. I can be trusted, and I suck at lying. I like taking risks, but not the kind that will result in me wearing orange.

I don't like favorites, it limits my capacity to appreciate things on a spectrum. I am real, and I appreciate when people put their real selves out there, not the perfect version of themselves. I don't wear designer clothes, and Target is the closest place to heaven I've been. I love eyes and smiles...not only in the physical sense, but in the stories that they tell as well. I believe most people are good, and that everyone deserves love, even if it's not from me. I find value in all experiences, no matter how much pain it may have induced. To me, happiness is contagious, but I also am the person that wants to punch peppy morning people in the face. I take selfies, but not to be narcissistic, rather to mark milestones, accomplishments, or to promote self-love.

I don't drink coffee, but I love juice. I like beer, but I am picky. I don't make a ton of money, but the difference my work makes is priceless. I am confident, but not within all areas of myself. I love being the big spoon during cuddle sessions. I hate clothes, but enjoy wearing cute outfits. I tend to steal sheets/covers, but I don't snore. I like to look at the person I am sleeping next to while they are sleeping, hoping they are dreaming about something wonderful. I love getting surprise texts that make me smile. I love taking pictures, and you will have no idea when I am taking half of them.

I love and appreciate raw emotions and honesty, no matter how bad it hurts sometimes. I am the type of partner that supports you 100%, and you will never go a day without knowing how much you mean. You will never have to wonder if you are good enough or if you are loved. I love notes, no matter if they are one line or twenty. I love simple surprises, and would rather receive a sweet or smart ass text than a gift. I appreciate creative gestures. I love musicals, and theater, but have never been to a Broadway show. I am not into fancy dates, for I would rather have a picnic in the park, cook dinner together, or binge watch movies or shows under covers.

I love the water, people's accents, and open-mindedness. I try not to hate, but sometimes I find myself using the word. I like to travel and try new things. I like firsts, especially if it's an adventure with someone else who is experiencing it for the first time as well. I'd rather go camping than stay in a fancy hotel, and when I travel, I don't want to plan where I go...I just want to go. I appreciate random thoughts and ideas. I have many fears, but I love a good challenge. I love finding commonalities with other people, but I appreciate our differences more. I love to learn, and strive to teach.

I stress about money and my future sometimes. I go through bouts of anxiety, and sometimes have unrealistic fears. I also have grandiose ideas, and I like to invent things. I can be impatient sometimes, though I am a pretty patient person for the most part. I am extremely understanding, almost to a fault. I like to play devil's advocate to gain/promote perspective. I am a great listener, and I research the hell out of something before I invest in it. I don't like to give advice, rather I guide people to coming up with their own solutions. Forgiveness is my superpower. Letting go is not.

I'm just a girl. I don't pretend to be anything else, and I don't wish to be anyone else. This is me. You can take it or leave it. Just remember, if you decide to take it, you're agreeing to take all of it. If you decide to leave it, please leave it in a way that reflects dignity and value... I am worth at least that much. We all are.