Lost in Loss

I've written this over and over, trying to get it right. To make sure that what I say holds the value and worth it deserves. But the truth is, no matter what I say or how I say it, it will never be good enough.

I have experienced tremendous loss in less than 12 months time. And regrettably, very few people will understand how these losses were so profound for me.

Newsome, the first one I lost, was one of those rare find friends that you meet in the most peculiar way, and you just stick. And there's a certain mysterious magic that happens when you acquire such a close friend that had no interaction with your other friend groups. A certain sense of freedom from subjective biases when you need perspective about what goes on in your everyday world. A person you can count on for literally ANYTHING because they are just that loyal and dependable. The drop a pin for a hug invite kind of friend when you text them that you've had a bad day. The check on you, send you new music, celebrate and encourage you kind of friend that does all these things from behind the scenes, just to ensure you're always supported. The friend that trusts you with their thoughts and feelings when they don't trust anyone with anything. Raw conversations about fears, goals, insecurities, and strengths. Openness about internal struggles, and grandiose ideas about how we were going to solve the world's problems.

BeBe, the most recent loss, left me with no words. A best friend for nearly 30 years, gone. In an instant. No warning. Just resounding heartbreak that provokes awareness just enough to feel pain in its most real form. Wounds far deeper than superficial cuts and bruises, the news penetrated deep enough to strangle my heart instantly. And at an unbearably slow pace, the grip of that hold perpetually reminds me that sadness is palpable. BeBe was everything you wanted in a friend and platonic soul mate. He was my safe place for so long. I loved him so much, and I knew he loved me...unconditionally and altruistically. We were very protective of each other. Brutally honest with each other. And very much attuned to each other. From being a huge part of my teenage and early adulthood years, we spent so much time experiencing pivotal milestones together. We continued being a huge part of each other's entire adult life, experiencing moments of celebration and sorrow for all big and small happenings in our lives. We've never not had each other. Until now.

Both of these men were essential to my life, and I'd like to believe I was essential to theirs. Necessary sources of oxygen in a world suffocating on polluted populations of disingenuous people. Lifelines that were reciprocated between them and me. Embedded so far into each other's lives, we could never imagine life without the other in it. Until we are forced to. Were...until we were forced to.

I'm not a fan of the reminders that life is short. But it is. And every single day is an opportunity to do something great with it. To love people harder. To let go of the bad things faster. To travel down unfamiliar roads more. And to dwell less. Truth be told, every day we run out of time. And frankly, I'm tired of learning that the hard way. 

Embrace The Struggle

 Let's talk struggle.

We all experience it. We all speak the language. Whether you are struggling with work, faith, self-esteem, self-care, grief, relationships, fear, anxiety, envy, or merely your daily routine, the struggle is always so real. While struggles come in all shapes and sizes, you can imagine how different we all deal with, manage, and navigate our struggles. 

I knew this post would require me to be transparent, but I never know who I am helping with these posts, so I am not apologetic for that. 

First, never compare your struggles to someone else's. You are not them and they aren't you . Period. And don't EVER compare your struggles to someone's seemingly lack of struggles. You have no idea what other people may be going through.

Second, struggles can be a part of every day routine, and due to our resilience, we are able to manage and cope. But sometimes, like me currently, we can go through bouts of heaviness that requires more than we are used to doing for resilience. We feel deeper, we think more, we are hyper-aware, and we start to minimize how we feel to try and make ourselves feel better. We withdraw, we isolate, we keep quiet. We hope that people reach out, simply for reassurance that, if/when needed, there are people who want to be there. Does this make us emotionally needy? Who the hell cares....we are struggling, and the simple fact that someone else noticed something was off can sometimes bring you back to life. Sometimes reassurance is the difference between spiraling and bouncing back. 

Third...when struggles become too much, or even on the verge of too much, we ruminate. We try our best to think about everything we are grateful for, everything we are blessed with, and everything we are responsible for...but it doesn't seem to compare to how we are feeling in the right now. So, these efforts become overshadowed by doubt, lack of confidence, and constant wondering, and even at times, victim mentality.

We take the steps, we talk to the ones we trust most, and we try to tap into resilience and strength. But sometimes, we run into walls, and we get tired of talking to others about our struggles. We feel we are inconveniencing or dumping on them. We don't think anyone else could possibly understand. We just rather keep it to ourselves. Our voice is null, but our thoughts are still loud as hell, stirring around, making it difficult to focus on what brings us peace. 

I am a sliver linings kind of girl. You give me a negative or a problem, and I will give you three positives or potential solutions within or from that problem. It's just who I am. I love lightness. I love to see people thrive. I love celebrating people's strengths, teaching them resilience, and instilling in them that stars shine brightest in the dark. But right now, I am struggling. And that is okay. I know me, I know my heart, and I know that my struggles are TEMPORARY.

That brings me to why it is important to embrace your struggles. They challenge us, which promotes growth. We may not understand why the struggles are being experienced, or why we can't find the light sometimes, but always remember that strength comes from struggle. We are being called to prepare for something that we didn't know we could handle. We are being guided toward a solution that we didn't even know was an option for us. We are being given the opportunity to be empowered by faith, fueled by trust, and lead by the power of uncertainty. Embrace that!! 

Whatever it is today that you are struggling with, remember that your feelings matter. You are validated with how you feel through your struggle, but also that you will get through it. Struggles are poorly wrapped gifts. Or the hard-to-open plastic cases, if you will. Either way, once you get through the struggle, the other side of it is what takes precedent. Understanding. Clarity. Growth. 

So, when you get that email that starts with "I hope this finds you doing well", ironically reminding you of how not well life is going at this moment, remember that your right now is not your forever. Your right now is simply an experience that prepares you for the next. Whatever that may be. 

Expect struggles. Don't be so naïve to think that your road is paved perfectly.  If that were to be the case, think about all the wonderful things you would have missed out on through the detours you've had to take in life. 

Struggle. Persevere. Struggle again. Persevere again. 

You've got this. Every time, you've got this. 

Much love,
Beth

Gabi

I wish I could say that the beginning of this blog didn't come with an end. That this particular entry was the beginning of a new, long, fulfilling, and whirlwind of a chapter in my.. our... lives. But, I can't. 

Let me start from the beginning...

Gabi came into my life two years ago. She was placed on my caseload, and like the other kids, she came from a very unfortunate family dynamic and chronic trauma. Upon my very first home visit with this little firecracker, I knew I'd love her. I knew she was going to be different. 

The more I worked with her, the more I realized that the feeling I had about her being different was because I felt like she was my missing heart piece. Not because I felt sorry for her, or because she is a foster child and needed "saving". I felt this way because it was the closest thing I could feel to having attunement with a child that I didn't birth, but finally found. 

Gabi loves music, and dancing, and being silly in the car. She loves my prop bag, and I even got her one of her own. She loves going on adventures, and she loves the color green. She has a zero tolerance for bullies, and she has a heart the size of Texas. She gets upset when people litter, she loves animals, and she detests racism. She can be precocious, defiant, strong-willed, and stubborn. But can also be loving, nurturing, helpful, and joyful. She is creative. An artist in many ways. She is brilliant, and often times she is too smart for her own good. She has a hard time with emotional regulation, and she is still very much challenged by her trauma responses. But, goodness, she is amazing, and I want to love all the bad right out of her. No matter how challenging and argumentative she can be, she is always, ALWAYS receptive to discussions about how to be better. We've worked on this for two years. 

She came to me with zero self-esteem. She assumed everyone made fun of her, and she did not like who she was, how she looked, and never saw her strengths. She couldn't take a compliment without assuming it was a jeer. Gabi was...hurt. And now...after a long, hard worked road, she has come so far. She believes me when I tell her how wonderful she is. She can talk positively about herself, and she is resilient as hell now. She has gone from hurt to strong, and her aptitude to become unstoppable is shining brighter than ever. 

The only thing standing in her way...the idea that she would one day return to her mother or father. Gabi learned that she deserved better than her trauma. She is able to talk about her mother and father in a loving way now, and not attaching herself to the actions that caused her to be in custody of the state. She's eleven. ELEVEN! Instead, Gabi expresses that "this is mom's consequence, not mine. I love her, and she is always going to be my mom, but I deserve better.". 

Yes, Gabi. You do. And I am that "better" for you. I've got this. You were meant to be mine if you couldn't be your parent's. Around this time, the permanency plan changed from "return to parent" to "adoption with no identified resource". Immediately I was enveloped with the notion that I am supposed to be that "resource".  So, naturally, I was in the "what is it going to take" mode. Will I have to quit  my job for a bit due to conflict of interest? What classes do I need to take? How long does this process take, and do I need an attorney? Whatever it is, I will do it! I suddenly felt like I knew nothing about the field I was in. But I knew one thing for sure... Gabi was going to be forever in my life.

And then... mom appealed the termination of rights. Which, in turn, means the court has to entertain that appeal. This could take months. In the meantime, I am starting to realize that this could all be real. Gabi really could be mine someday. I started making Pinterest boards about how our "Gender Reveal" would go. Whether we were going to put her in a giant box and have her pop out with pink balloons, or whether we were going to take family photos and just sneak them online and just wait for people to realize. Or whether we were going to gather our closest friends and just celebrate the hell out of a new addition to our tribe. The excitement builds, and so do the plans. A theme for her room, school uniforms, her next birthday party. Then, I couldn't WAIT for her to meet all of her new family, her new "cousins and aunties", and her new friends. I was planning our first family vacation to anywhere she has said she wanted to go but never could. Anything I could plan, I was planning. 

But.. in the midst of the jubilation, I also had to get real about what is required. Classes, home inspection, interviews, staffings, background checks, moving to a place where she would have a bedroom, an attorney, changing her school, etc. And then Gabi makes it clear that she wants a two parent household with a mom and dad, and at least one older sibling. She wants a family pet, and she wants to stay in Mobile. I spent night after night feeling selfish for moving forward if it meant robbing her of what she wants. Of what she felt she deserved in a family. So I slowed down. I stayed off Pinterest. I stopped planning a coming home party. I was going to move forward with taking the classes, however, my work schedule was crazy and conflicted with the schedule of the classes. I felt trapped. I didn't know how she felt about having an atypical family. How she felt about LGBTQ people. If she would even be interested in me being her forever. Doubt sank in. 

I continued to take Gabi on outings. She met Resa, and she met my mom. She loved Gus, and she has wanted to meet Koalee and Jake. She often asked about all of them. One day in the car, Gabi and I had a long discussion about adoption. She said she was ready. I jokingly said, "Well let's just go to the DHR building and get all the paperwork then I will just take you home with me since you are so ready". I did not expect her reaction. She looked at me, misty-eyed, and said "Can you do that? Is that possible?" I reminded her of the family she keeps wishing for: a mother and father and an older sibling with a family pet. She looked at me in my eyes and said "None of that would matter if it was you that was adopting me." The world was still at that moment. My heart needed time to process what my ears heard. She didn't care about having two moms one day. She didn't care that I didn't have an older child that she could call her big sibling. She didn't care....

As you can imagine, I had zero time to get everything done that I needed to do in order to move forward. Gabi has multiple families interested in her. All of whom are licensed, have homes that could accommodate her, and who are ready to adopt immediately. I get the news that Gabi has been matched with a family in Birmingham. Not terrible, but my heart was smashed into a million pieces knowing this was no longer my journey. Maybe her new family will be great. Maybe this will turn out to be exactly what Gabi deserves. These are things I kept saying to myself. I never once believed them. I was the one meant for Gabi. I was the one who was what she deserved. We were the tribe she belongs to. That is what I believed. Still do, stubbornly and selfishly. 

I get a phone call saying a different family is being staffed. Semmes. I selfishly feel much better. As if I will somehow get to still be a part of her life. I listen with an open heart about the family. I like what I hear, and I anxiously await hearing the date of when they will meet. That day comes. It is a Wednesday, and I get to be there. I am sitting across the table from Gabi as she speaks to her potential adoptive parents. Everything is going so well. So so well, actually. I feel as if I can breathe a little easier, however, if I relax I am going to lose it. I got to meet the couple. They seem.....perfect. Gabi is excited, ready, and really REALLY happy after their meeting. She wanted to start packing right then and there. I mustered up the strength to put on a smile, and I talked about how wonderful it went and how they seemed to really connect and click. I was elated, but anguished. I tried to tell myself the tears rolling down my face were happy tears for her. Because, after all, this stopped being about me when I knew she wasn't coming home with me. But the tears were filled with pain. They felt hard and heavy. Jagged, even. But I was so incredibly happy for her. She deserves every ounce of joy that exuded from her that day. 

So it is time for me to accept that I wasn't her happily every after, after all. I was selfish to think that we were the only people in the whole world who could love Gabi the way she deserves to be loved. But it is with true grace and gratitude that I say this... out of the entire world of people wanting to adopt children, I am overjoyed that she is staying in my little piece of the world. The family has agreed to keep an open line of communication and relationship between me and Gabi. They thanked me for everything I have done for her. It was those words that made me realize... I wasn't meant to have her; I was meant to protect her until she was ready for the people who were meant for her. I was meant to work with her on seeing herself the way I saw her so that she would be able to accept love the way she is deserves to receive it. We went through some really hard transitions, Gabi and I. The ones that shaped her into what she knows of herself now, and that shaped me into what I know of myself now. 

I will get through the sad with gratitude for a continued relationship with Gabi. I will get over feeling like I have lost a child by celebrating that she has come into my life and has changed it forever. To understand true loss, you must first understand true connection. And hopefully, by the grace of this family, I will continue to have that connection with Gabi. 

As Gabi told me, "We don't say goodbye, Ms. Beth, we say see you later"

I will see you later, Gabi. Hopefully thriving in the love you will be showered with in your new life! I am so proud of you, so happy for you, and I am so incredibly grateful that you are part of my life journey!

Insight 2020 (Part 2 of reflection mini series)

So, what has 2020 brought me?

A lot. But it is comforting to know that weight isn't the only thing I have gained this year. 

I have grown into, strengthened, and developed friendships that have quite beautifully become framily. I have been able to spend so much more time with family. I have gained understanding, perspective, and a new found respect for time. The whole concept of it. I have gained knowledge, resilience, and empowerment regarding what I have inside me to make the world outside of me a better place. 

But let's talk real talk... what I have really gained is insight.

I am over so much of so much. The things that waste my time, energy, and that are a thief of joy.  The back and forth that is void of mutual respect and understanding. The discussions that turn in to arguments because stubbornness becomes the phoenix that rises above meaningful banter. The blaming, shaming, and hate. The people who live to prove other people wrong, and the people who stand by and turn trauma into entertainment. The people who have zero tolerance for differences, and the people who get offended by literally everything. The judgement, the dishonesty, and the ever so evident lack of respect due to the overwhelming sense of entitlement. Honestly, those things can really just create its own crawlspace and rot, turn into dust, and flow fiercely with the wind to go far far away from me.  

Understanding the concept of quality time, valuable/meaningful relationships, and most of all, understanding you're worth the reciprocity from those facets makes you really start thinking about what you want to put your energy toward. Who you want to spend time worrying about, being proud of, checking in on, and wanting all the experiences to be shared with...the good, bad, ugly, and beautiful. 

I am done comparing myself to others, trying to live up to expectations that I don't set for myself, and worrying about why people don't understand me. I am done with open boundaries, closed chapters, and locked doors. There is no space in my mind, heart, soul, or presence for toxic people who thrive off of complaining. No time or space for me to be worried about the decisions others are making if it doesn't directly involve me. You do you, and if it makes you happy in the now, I will not make it my place to worry about or lecture you on your later. I will just be there for you when that time comes and we will get through it together or celebrate it together. 

I'm done with grudges, and I am 100% pro forgiveness. I will no longer waste my time disliking people who challenge me. If I feel I am up for the challenge, I will take it. If I don't, I will leave it alone and keep moving on. Not everything gets to have my attention or emotional response anymore. Why? Because not everything is my business. Not everything is directed at me. Not everything is something I should find a way to relate to. Not everything is worth it. 

We have to learn  how to love people and accept that they don't have to agree with us when we are doing what we feel needs to be done to protect them, to support them, and to encourage them. Be confident that you are doing what you feel is in their best interest, but humbled enough to know that it isn't your path. If what they are doing is not about you, then neither will the results of what they are doing. We have to learn how to let go of the efforts that aren't being reciprocated. We have to learn to move on from trying to figure things out or fixing things that we have tirelessly been sacrificing our mental faculties on, just to find out nothing is coming of it.

We have to move on. Whether it is from the bullshit you're so used to smelling, the person who no longer seems to care, or from a lifetime you have spent chasing something that doesn't seem to lose stamina. That life isn't for you. If you can make time to wonder, worry, feel hurt, and ponder resentment, then you are stealing time from yourself to be fully present with what you have to be grateful for. You are depriving yourself of the air you need to breathe by polluting your life with unfair thoughts and unjustifiable self-deprivation. 

Bottom line: we have to learn how to take responsibility and hold ourselves accountable for the directions w take in life. Not everything is in our control, but how we respond is 100% on us.

So, you see, sometimes losing is gaining. Shed the cloaks that hold the dust from the past. The ones that have holes, burn marks, rips, and stains. I know they are broken in and comfortable, but they are no longer in style. Tuck them away somewhere nice so you can always remember the path that gets you from there to here, and then put on something that you can stop hiding behind. Embrace your bold, feed your fierce, and condition your kindness. 

It's not about being a new you.... it's about being the real you. Unapologetically so. 

Peace and Joy,

Beth

New Year, Who Dis?

 I have been trying to figure out how to write my reflection blog for the new year. How to even begin to reflect on the year 2020 and how I will go into 2021. 

Truth is, I can't. 

What honestly matters to me, at this very moment, is that I am thankful to have been on this journey we have called 2020 surrounded by the very best people I could have ever been around for it.

I want to give the middle finger to the "New Year, New Me" motto this go around. Why? Because I have survived and gotten through a lot this year. I have experienced disappointments, loss, doubt, emotional heaviness.... I could go on about what I experienced this year. About what has buried me. About what has shaken me. About the emotions I often found myself drowning in some days/weeks. But what I want to focus on is the warrior inside of me. And inside of so many of my loved ones. 

So, no. This year doesn't get the New Year, New Me. And you shouldn't feel you have to jump on the bandwagon either. Because as shitty as this year has been, we are coming out of it more badass than ever. With war paint and torn armor, we have risen to every challenge. Why would I want to change that? I feel like I know who I am more now than ever. What I am made of. What I am capable of withstanding. I rarely say this, but I am proud of myself. I AM NOT CHANGING. I am so proud of those who I hold close to my heart, for they have endured so much pain as well, and here they are, defining perseverance in the finest ways.   

Do I hope for a better year? Absolutely. This year robbed so many of so much. But do I realistically think that at 12:00am on January 1, 2021 that things are going to automatically just change for the better? Um, no. I'm not saying dismiss hope. I am saying welcome reality. We can all agree that we got a humbling taste of how much our reality can change in such a short amount of time. So, don't take time for granted.

Maybe in 2021 more of us will stop bitching and start creating a living space that is made up of more gratitude and less entitlement. Maybe in 2021 we will stop shaming each other with our perceived righteousness and just  mind our own business and just live. Maybe 2021 will be the year that we realize that we don't live our lives for other people, nor should we feel like we need to. Maybe, just maybe, in 2021, we will learn to leave the petty stuff at the door and focus on what really should matter. The things that hold not only meaning, but value. 

Whatever 2021 brings me, I know I will be as ready as I can be. For the blessings, I have a more humbled heart to not only accept them but to be truly thankful and grateful for them. And for the trials, I know I have layers of shield from the callouses formed while working on surviving 2020. 

I'll leave what I've gained from 2020 for it's own post. It deserves to stand in solidarity after the fight that was fought to maintain an understanding that it is possible that so much was gained in a year where so much was taken. 

My New Years resolution for 2021? Who the hell knows....

Trusting Grace

(Deep breath)

I want to talk about....grace.

It's not just about valuing the presumably undeserving. Because, let's face it...lately we have become so preoccupied with focusing on the great divide that is our country that everyone seems to have a way of justifying a righteous mentality. 

No, I want to talk about grace in terms of what we are missing. Grace is not dependent on political affiliation, social status, intelligence, or wealth. Grace is an offering of parts of ourselves that we have to dig deep to get to in an effort to understand imperfection is not a deviation from measured worth. Grace is a heart job. And it is our responsibility to swallow our pride long enough to understand that grace heals. It is a common ground, where the language is universal and the outcome is where we truly understand the concept of humanity. 

Grace is hard though. It is an inherent attribute that we often overlook due to our hasty and impulsive reactions to when we feel we are wronged. Demanding fairness as a way to satisfy our anger, usually with overt rhetoric doused in a tone that commands justification for how we feel. Without the guidance of grace, we get animosity, pride, division, and....we get nowhere, honestly. 

The absence of grace is nothing short of neglectful. We rob ourselves of the chance to practice acceptance, forgiveness, and opportunity. More importantly, we reinforce to others that they matter less. That they are somehow not deserving of decency. We all have struggles. We all experience hardships. We all have our own way of coping with the pressures that arise from those trials. And not ONE of us can deny that we have projected our feelings onto others, have demonstrated foul reactions, and have said some unnecessarily hurtful things during those times. So, why do we have such a hard time accepting that others do the same?

Grace is willful. Grace is intentional. It is about admitting our part in the wrongdoings and holding ourselves accountable to do what we can to handle it with compassion and mercy. I am not delusional... I understand that all attempts aren't going to result in harmony. We cannot hold ourselves responsible for other's receptivity, reciprocity, or forgiveness. What I am saying is that we ARE responsible for demonstrating grace in an effort to teach, guide, model, and reinforce resolution in the midst of divide. 

Stop wasting your energy defending yourself to people who are not at a place to understand you. Instead, appreciate where they are in their life at this time and tell them you are there if they need to talk about those struggles. Stop spending your time in anger. Instead, concede to what you cannot control, and dig deep to remember you have so much to be grateful for. Stop making enemies. Instead, make room for people who are different than you so that you can understand that co-existence isn't something that is deserved, it is something that is necessary. Stop always assuming you are right. Instead, understand that it isn't always a right or wrong situation... sometimes it is merely an issue of difference. Just because your top three values aren't the exact same as mine, it doesn't mean we are any less of a human than the other. We may not agree, we may have a really hard time understanding each other...BUT that doesn't mean that we will never evolve into understanding and practicing those values at some point. 

We are ever-evolving. Grace has to evolve with us. Grace has a place at every table, in every home, in every heart, and in every decision that we make. If at first we don't respond with grace, there is no resolve until we do. Recognizing grace from others is a mandate to respond with the same sentiment. It is easy for us to meet anger with anger. I wish it was just as easy to meet grace with grace. 

May grace be within you, may grace be upon you, and may grace be heavily embedded in our communities.

Much love and joy,

Beth

Strong, Not Wrong...

Strength. 
I think there is something to be said about the conceptualization of it. There is a misconception that people don't talk about. But I want to talk about it. 

What we know/recognize about strength: It helps us build resilience. It protects us from our own selves so we can get through the hard parts of life. It prevents us from staying down when we are in the dark. It helps us to help others. To be able to put others before you in times of need. Strength can be running 10 miles or lifting eleventy eight pounds. It could be putting on a brave face to get through the scary. It is grit. It is fire. It is....bold. Strength is something we want to attribute to ourselves. Whether it is strong-willed, strong-minded, or strong-hearted....we want that for ourselves and for our loved ones.

But...what we don't recognize as strength: It takes A LOT of strength to allow yourself the emotional vulnerability to break down and feel your feelings in order to get through them. It takes strength to swallow your pride to accept things that need to be accepted. It takes strength to be honest and have the difficult conversations where we often deflect. It takes strength to walk away from a situation where you want to be but know you shouldn't. And it takes a hell of a lot of strength to admit to yourself when you are being selfish with your feelings. It takes strength to.... let go. 

It also takes strength to be unsteady. To experience the overwhelming clouds that envelope our thoughts, tiring us and wearing us down. And it takes strength to experience that unsteadiness by telling everyone that you need time to reset. And it takes strength to be in the same situation as others, yet be in a different place emotionally about it, and to be okay with that. It takes strength to admit your're confused or overwhelmed and seek help for resolution and clarity.

We are so scared to tell people that. As if it makes us weak or unable to handle our emotions. As if those emotions are invalid or that we are not adequate enough to get through them on our own. Well, I have news for you...self-awareness is never a sign of weakness or defeat. We are human. We have feelings. Some of those feelings are hard. So to those of us who are struggling a little bit trying to navigate the emotions we think we are supposed to be feeling, let's just feel exactly what we are feeling without trying to qualify or justify them with whether we meet someone else's expectations. Strength is being confident that your feelings are valid. And that sometimes those feelings require strength from others to get through. And sometimes it requires you to sit in your car for 30 minutes, cry it out, and get on with your day. And sometimes you're compelled to give the day your middle finger, say screw it, and do something bold to get through the hard.

Selflessness is strength, but so is putting yourself first every once in a while. Taking risks takes strength, but so does working hard to maintain your structure and routine in a chaotic world. Strength is fluent in several different languages of the head, the heart, and body. Strength is allowing ourselves to get lost in a sea of emotions because we are confident that the anchors we planted will provide us with enough security to fend off any fear of never coming out on the other side of those feelings. Strength is understanding the concept of beautiful disasters, bittersweet goodbyes, and fortunate tragedies. Being able to set aside our own feelings to have regard for others. To step out of our comfort zones for growth. To make sacrifices that prioritize what is important to us in difficult times. All of it takes strength.

Never disregard the "taboo" parts of strength - the deviations from the "acceptable" notions of what strong is. Never short yourself of what you have acquired in regard to what makes you strong. And never, ever, compare your feelings to others, or to how you feel other's will perceive your ways of coping.

Find strength in yourself. Find strength in others. Find strength for others and with others. Just keep finding your strength. It is there. You're just seeing it and feeling it as a weakness. Stop minimizing your grit. It's not always about grace...

Much love, peace, and joy,

Beth

Dear Broad Squad...

I have felt compelled to share something with you all.

I am so sorry. About everything everyone is going through. About having to navigate the emotions, the journey, and the experiences through all of this. I have so much love for you all. My heart has doubled in size just knowing that none of us have to experience this alone. I pray for all of us daily and very intentionally. To have the strength and courage to voyage these rough waters. To be at peace with acceptance, and to trust in the support of each other. It's kind of a beautiful thing that we have been brought closer and now have the common thread of Mary Ann. And how that Mary Ann shaped hole inside of us may not ever  be filled, but will always be what makes her live inside us forever. I want to hug all of your hearts. But most importantly, I want to open mine up to each of you with some perspective that I hope you find valuable or comforting.

I am not going to talk about how incredible Mary Ann is. I am not going to talk about why everyone should have the opportunity to know her. Why? Because each of you that are reading this are here because of her, and whatever part of your journey she played, you know exactly why already. She has touched each of our lives, and though we have all had our own experiences with her, we can all agree that we could go on for a lifetime about how she enriched each and every one of us in one way or another.

I want to instead talk about grief. I want each of you to know that it manifests differently in everyone. Everyone experiences trauma differently. Everyone goes at their own pace when it comes to acceptance. And if someone is not experiencing it the way you are, or the way you expect them to, it doesn't make their grief any less intense for them. Don't let the way each other grieves divide you. Always remember the "why" behind the grief and understand that the grief is just the way love cries. 

We are allowed to be selfish in our feelings, but not to tread in those waters. We can be angry and upset that we have to lose a friend... That we want her around forever. That she was robbed. But one thing I genuinely believe is that we are NOT allowed to feel sorry for ourselves or for Becca and the kids. Before you think I am being heartless, hear me out...

Feeling sorry insinuates a sense of helplessness or doubt. But overall, let's look closer at what we are really looking at here...
Has there ever been a day that has gone by that someone, if not multiple people, have reached out, checked in, and offered help? Has there ever been a time where Becca or Mary Ann couldn't count on SOMEONE to help at the drop of a hat? Has there ever been a time where we haven't collectively sent waves of prayers, good vibes, light, laughter, or love? Has there ever been a time where we haven't figured things out together, even if it mean taking shifts at doing different things just to get the job done? Have we done our part to make sure Becca's stubbornness doesn't get the best of her when we know she needs help? Have we shown up and stayed for the hard talks? Have we showered the family with love and care? Is there ANY shred of doubt that we will continue doing these things forever on end? 

I look around at each of you, and I can certainly answer these questions with confidence. We aren't allowed to feel sorry because they will forever feel the love of this rather large extended chosen family. I am certain Becca is confident that between this circle of framily, she and the kids will be taken care of. I am certain that Mary Ann trusts that as well, and is comfortable leaving them in our hands. And let's  not forget the unwavering strength Becca exudes. It is not our responsibility to feel sorry. It is our responsibility to uphold the love, grace, and support that they need. That we all need...from each other. It is our responsibility to celebrate Mary Ann and the time we got to have with her. We will be there to have slumber parties with Becca when the bed feels...bigger. We will be there to take the kids while she catches up on sleep, or wants a night away. We will be there at every event the kids have. We will be there at every milestone, setback, and the in-betweens. To be so confident and so sure about this is honestly quite humbling and reflects the values of how this family works. And just because one chapter comes to a devastatingly unfair end.... it doesn't mean we close the book. We keep writing it.  

Please don't get me wrong...I am not minimizing anyone's feelings. Lord knows tears are a plenty and hearts are aching. And rightfully so!  I am simply singing the praises of the strength of this family. And how it is going to be the saving grace of such an unfortunate, emotionally heavy, and unfair loss. We will be deprived of future endeavors with Mary Ann, but we will not deprive ourselves of her memory, her family, or honoring her. Think about the blessings that have happened in our lives just because she has been in it. Think about the number of smiles and laughs that we got to experience because of her. Think about what we learned about life thanks to her. Those things are forever instilled in us. And forever instilled in Becca and the kids. Nothing can take that from us. And THAT is the very reason why I have no worries about Becca and the kid's future. Resiliency is as strong as the support that reinforces it. We are that support. And damn we are strong together. 

Cry it out. Reach out. Run 10 miles. Break shit. Experience your grief. Experience the hurt. But also remember that through loss much is found. And for the Hunt-Soulis family, they have cultivated a family so big and so selfless and so strong that the only thing left to be found is the gift of relief that everything is going to be okay. 

Look at how comfortable we are fulfilling this heart work. Look at how we have collectively gotten through this journey thus far, and how we have gotten this family this far. Now think about how warm that light feels on the Hunt-Soulis'. When Becca says things like, "No worries, I got it", she does. She is strong and she is confident. Because what that statement means is we've got it. And we do. Always.

All my love,
Beth

When Friends Have to Be Friends

Friends. How sweet it is to have them. How extraordinary it is to be one. When we think about friends, we think about fun and laughter. We think about "that one time that....". We plan, we talk, we laugh, we cry. Together. And it is so refreshing to be able to experience this part of life.

And sometimes calling people "friends" is insulting because they are so much more than that. They learn and experience the intricacies of who we are, how we are, and what we are. They understand the good, but they welcome the bad with open hearts. The worst memories, experiences, and secrets are all known and still, there's nothing but unconditional love. These are the friends who you ask to help you bury a body and they already have the hole dug, no questions asked. The ones who you have long conversations with, leaving your heart full and your spirit brighter....and maybe a little drunk sometimes.

And they are the ones that make honesty easy. Even during the difficult times. You see, there will come  a time in your life where you will reflect on these friends and realize that one day you will have to be strong for one of them. You will realize that "rounding up the troops" will be pivotal in the game of surviving heartbreak, trauma, uncontrollable circumstances, and Earth shattering truths/happenstances. The select few who are on go, always a phone call away for whatever you throw at them. From babysitting to witnessing a living will. From hiding out to volunteering for housekeeping/cooking. From pick up/drop off schedules to taking you out into a field to break shit. Doesn't matter because they are the friends who set limitless expectations in regard to support.

Imagine how much you love these friends. This circle of family that you got to choose. How much they mean to you, how much value they have placed in your life. How much your heart beats a little faster when you think about how blessed you are to have them. And then think about something happening to them, and feeling all of that just as intensely.

You hurt with them. You suffer with them. You go through every emotion with them. But... you must wipe your tears first so you can see clearly enough to wipe theirs. You must take deep breaths so that you can talk them through theirs. You must take two minutes to collect yourself so that you can tend to their fears/anxieties/wishes. And most importantly, you must have faith that YOU can get through the hard with grace, love, and patience so that you are at peace with yourself and can say you did everything to ensure their journey was an experience that justifies their worth. And there should be absolutely no excuse, reason, and zero doubt that that could be done without question. Your strength becomes their brave. Your commitment becomes their trust. Your sanity becomes their comfort. You are THAT important.

We are afforded one life. We get one shot at living it to the fullest. And part of that is fulfilling the responsibilities of sharing love with others. Even if it means helping those we love at the end of their journey to continue experiencing our blessings we cast on to them. We have to be their "fullest". We have to be each other's "fullest". We have to experience life with each other. The good, the bad, the ugly. Till death do us part. Forever and ever. Even when we have to face the "this is my forever" part of life with the ones we love the most....

Social ME-dia

We create this world online where we share parts of ourselves with others. Sounds uplifting, right? Well, the culture we have created is one of which depends on the validation to those posts. Do we post to spread joy, or do we post to receive it? Is either one right or wrong?

We sit behind these screens, trying to find the perfect hashtag, perfect line, picture, quote, or video. How much of who we really are gets diluted? How much of our real selves gets sacrificed because of fear that it isn't going to receive accolades when posted? 

Why are we so dependent on the feedback we get from others to feel good about ourselves? When did our self-esteem begin being measured by number of likes, hearts, laugh faces, etc? 

I want to challenge you to explore this. Really think about your daily routine and how often you post, what you post, and how many times you take a picture to get it exactly right, and how many times you write and re-write a post, and how much time you spend thinking of something you feel everyone will like. 

Now ask yourself 'why'...

My beautiful people! Stop wasting energy on others and invest it in yourself. If you feel the need to be validated, look in the mirror and tell yourself exactly what you need to hear! And believe it! Because YOU. ARE. AMAZING. Be unapologetically you. 

What does that mean?

It means screw capturing the precise froth art on your morning joe and spend time making mustaches out of them instead.

It means the 20 minutes you spent setting up the magazine-esque backdrop just for a picture that ends up being captured "Morning vibes", could have been spent sleeping in and waking up more refreshed.

It means being relatable, not someone who tries to one-up others.
It looks like a messy house where memories are being made rather than a perfectly crisp house where it appears nothing fun is happening.
It means washing the dishes tomorrow because popsicles outside with the kids sounds more fun.
It means that romper looks great and you should buy it, flaunt it, and not give a damn what anyone has to say about it.
It means not comparing yourself to others. Being vulnerable to your imperfections. 

It means living out your responsibility of being kind and loving, without expectations of reciprocation or praise. 

It means..... no one gets to be you but you. And recognizing how special that is. And understanding how that will ALWAYS be good enough. 

Stop anticipating other's mentality and start anticipating how much you can get out of life when you live it according to YOU. Your self-esteem does NOT get to be determined by others. Especially those shallow and insecure enough to judge you. You do NOT get to rob yourself of your essence because it doesn't align with trends. 

So, instead of perfectionism, embrace realism. When you spend so much time trying to collect 'likes' and 'followers', you steal your own joy and pride for who you are. And eventually you forget who that is because you have conceded to conformity and authenticity just becomes an illusion.

'Love yourself, no matter who you really are...'