I wish I could say that the beginning of this blog didn't come with an end. That this particular entry was the beginning of a new, long, fulfilling, and whirlwind of a chapter in my.. our... lives. But, I can't.
Let me start from the beginning...
Gabi came into my life two years ago. She was placed on my caseload, and like the other kids, she came from a very unfortunate family dynamic and chronic trauma. Upon my very first home visit with this little firecracker, I knew I'd love her. I knew she was going to be different.
The more I worked with her, the more I realized that the feeling I had about her being different was because I felt like she was my missing heart piece. Not because I felt sorry for her, or because she is a foster child and needed "saving". I felt this way because it was the closest thing I could feel to having attunement with a child that I didn't birth, but finally found.
Gabi loves music, and dancing, and being silly in the car. She loves my prop bag, and I even got her one of her own. She loves going on adventures, and she loves the color green. She has a zero tolerance for bullies, and she has a heart the size of Texas. She gets upset when people litter, she loves animals, and she detests racism. She can be precocious, defiant, strong-willed, and stubborn. But can also be loving, nurturing, helpful, and joyful. She is creative. An artist in many ways. She is brilliant, and often times she is too smart for her own good. She has a hard time with emotional regulation, and she is still very much challenged by her trauma responses. But, goodness, she is amazing, and I want to love all the bad right out of her. No matter how challenging and argumentative she can be, she is always, ALWAYS receptive to discussions about how to be better. We've worked on this for two years.
She came to me with zero self-esteem. She assumed everyone made fun of her, and she did not like who she was, how she looked, and never saw her strengths. She couldn't take a compliment without assuming it was a jeer. Gabi was...hurt. And now...after a long, hard worked road, she has come so far. She believes me when I tell her how wonderful she is. She can talk positively about herself, and she is resilient as hell now. She has gone from hurt to strong, and her aptitude to become unstoppable is shining brighter than ever.
The only thing standing in her way...the idea that she would one day return to her mother or father. Gabi learned that she deserved better than her trauma. She is able to talk about her mother and father in a loving way now, and not attaching herself to the actions that caused her to be in custody of the state. She's eleven. ELEVEN! Instead, Gabi expresses that "this is mom's consequence, not mine. I love her, and she is always going to be my mom, but I deserve better.".
Yes, Gabi. You do. And I am that "better" for you. I've got this. You were meant to be mine if you couldn't be your parent's. Around this time, the permanency plan changed from "return to parent" to "adoption with no identified resource". Immediately I was enveloped with the notion that I am supposed to be that "resource". So, naturally, I was in the "what is it going to take" mode. Will I have to quit my job for a bit due to conflict of interest? What classes do I need to take? How long does this process take, and do I need an attorney? Whatever it is, I will do it! I suddenly felt like I knew nothing about the field I was in. But I knew one thing for sure... Gabi was going to be forever in my life.
And then... mom appealed the termination of rights. Which, in turn, means the court has to entertain that appeal. This could take months. In the meantime, I am starting to realize that this could all be real. Gabi really could be mine someday. I started making Pinterest boards about how our "Gender Reveal" would go. Whether we were going to put her in a giant box and have her pop out with pink balloons, or whether we were going to take family photos and just sneak them online and just wait for people to realize. Or whether we were going to gather our closest friends and just celebrate the hell out of a new addition to our tribe. The excitement builds, and so do the plans. A theme for her room, school uniforms, her next birthday party. Then, I couldn't WAIT for her to meet all of her new family, her new "cousins and aunties", and her new friends. I was planning our first family vacation to anywhere she has said she wanted to go but never could. Anything I could plan, I was planning.
But.. in the midst of the jubilation, I also had to get real about what is required. Classes, home inspection, interviews, staffings, background checks, moving to a place where she would have a bedroom, an attorney, changing her school, etc. And then Gabi makes it clear that she wants a two parent household with a mom and dad, and at least one older sibling. She wants a family pet, and she wants to stay in Mobile. I spent night after night feeling selfish for moving forward if it meant robbing her of what she wants. Of what she felt she deserved in a family. So I slowed down. I stayed off Pinterest. I stopped planning a coming home party. I was going to move forward with taking the classes, however, my work schedule was crazy and conflicted with the schedule of the classes. I felt trapped. I didn't know how she felt about having an atypical family. How she felt about LGBTQ people. If she would even be interested in me being her forever. Doubt sank in.
I continued to take Gabi on outings. She met Resa, and she met my mom. She loved Gus, and she has wanted to meet Koalee and Jake. She often asked about all of them. One day in the car, Gabi and I had a long discussion about adoption. She said she was ready. I jokingly said, "Well let's just go to the DHR building and get all the paperwork then I will just take you home with me since you are so ready". I did not expect her reaction. She looked at me, misty-eyed, and said "Can you do that? Is that possible?" I reminded her of the family she keeps wishing for: a mother and father and an older sibling with a family pet. She looked at me in my eyes and said "None of that would matter if it was you that was adopting me." The world was still at that moment. My heart needed time to process what my ears heard. She didn't care about having two moms one day. She didn't care that I didn't have an older child that she could call her big sibling. She didn't care....
As you can imagine, I had zero time to get everything done that I needed to do in order to move forward. Gabi has multiple families interested in her. All of whom are licensed, have homes that could accommodate her, and who are ready to adopt immediately. I get the news that Gabi has been matched with a family in Birmingham. Not terrible, but my heart was smashed into a million pieces knowing this was no longer my journey. Maybe her new family will be great. Maybe this will turn out to be exactly what Gabi deserves. These are things I kept saying to myself. I never once believed them. I was the one meant for Gabi. I was the one who was what she deserved. We were the tribe she belongs to. That is what I believed. Still do, stubbornly and selfishly.
I get a phone call saying a different family is being staffed. Semmes. I selfishly feel much better. As if I will somehow get to still be a part of her life. I listen with an open heart about the family. I like what I hear, and I anxiously await hearing the date of when they will meet. That day comes. It is a Wednesday, and I get to be there. I am sitting across the table from Gabi as she speaks to her potential adoptive parents. Everything is going so well. So so well, actually. I feel as if I can breathe a little easier, however, if I relax I am going to lose it. I got to meet the couple. They seem.....perfect. Gabi is excited, ready, and really REALLY happy after their meeting. She wanted to start packing right then and there. I mustered up the strength to put on a smile, and I talked about how wonderful it went and how they seemed to really connect and click. I was elated, but anguished. I tried to tell myself the tears rolling down my face were happy tears for her. Because, after all, this stopped being about me when I knew she wasn't coming home with me. But the tears were filled with pain. They felt hard and heavy. Jagged, even. But I was so incredibly happy for her. She deserves every ounce of joy that exuded from her that day.
So it is time for me to accept that I wasn't her happily every after, after all. I was selfish to think that we were the only people in the whole world who could love Gabi the way she deserves to be loved. But it is with true grace and gratitude that I say this... out of the entire world of people wanting to adopt children, I am overjoyed that she is staying in my little piece of the world. The family has agreed to keep an open line of communication and relationship between me and Gabi. They thanked me for everything I have done for her. It was those words that made me realize... I wasn't meant to have her; I was meant to protect her until she was ready for the people who were meant for her. I was meant to work with her on seeing herself the way I saw her so that she would be able to accept love the way she is deserves to receive it. We went through some really hard transitions, Gabi and I. The ones that shaped her into what she knows of herself now, and that shaped me into what I know of myself now.
I will get through the sad with gratitude for a continued relationship with Gabi. I will get over feeling like I have lost a child by celebrating that she has come into my life and has changed it forever. To understand true loss, you must first understand true connection. And hopefully, by the grace of this family, I will continue to have that connection with Gabi.
As Gabi told me, "We don't say goodbye, Ms. Beth, we say see you later"
I will see you later, Gabi. Hopefully thriving in the love you will be showered with in your new life! I am so proud of you, so happy for you, and I am so incredibly grateful that you are part of my life journey!
