Insight 2020 (Part 2 of reflection mini series)

So, what has 2020 brought me?

A lot. But it is comforting to know that weight isn't the only thing I have gained this year. 

I have grown into, strengthened, and developed friendships that have quite beautifully become framily. I have been able to spend so much more time with family. I have gained understanding, perspective, and a new found respect for time. The whole concept of it. I have gained knowledge, resilience, and empowerment regarding what I have inside me to make the world outside of me a better place. 

But let's talk real talk... what I have really gained is insight.

I am over so much of so much. The things that waste my time, energy, and that are a thief of joy.  The back and forth that is void of mutual respect and understanding. The discussions that turn in to arguments because stubbornness becomes the phoenix that rises above meaningful banter. The blaming, shaming, and hate. The people who live to prove other people wrong, and the people who stand by and turn trauma into entertainment. The people who have zero tolerance for differences, and the people who get offended by literally everything. The judgement, the dishonesty, and the ever so evident lack of respect due to the overwhelming sense of entitlement. Honestly, those things can really just create its own crawlspace and rot, turn into dust, and flow fiercely with the wind to go far far away from me.  

Understanding the concept of quality time, valuable/meaningful relationships, and most of all, understanding you're worth the reciprocity from those facets makes you really start thinking about what you want to put your energy toward. Who you want to spend time worrying about, being proud of, checking in on, and wanting all the experiences to be shared with...the good, bad, ugly, and beautiful. 

I am done comparing myself to others, trying to live up to expectations that I don't set for myself, and worrying about why people don't understand me. I am done with open boundaries, closed chapters, and locked doors. There is no space in my mind, heart, soul, or presence for toxic people who thrive off of complaining. No time or space for me to be worried about the decisions others are making if it doesn't directly involve me. You do you, and if it makes you happy in the now, I will not make it my place to worry about or lecture you on your later. I will just be there for you when that time comes and we will get through it together or celebrate it together. 

I'm done with grudges, and I am 100% pro forgiveness. I will no longer waste my time disliking people who challenge me. If I feel I am up for the challenge, I will take it. If I don't, I will leave it alone and keep moving on. Not everything gets to have my attention or emotional response anymore. Why? Because not everything is my business. Not everything is directed at me. Not everything is something I should find a way to relate to. Not everything is worth it. 

We have to learn  how to love people and accept that they don't have to agree with us when we are doing what we feel needs to be done to protect them, to support them, and to encourage them. Be confident that you are doing what you feel is in their best interest, but humbled enough to know that it isn't your path. If what they are doing is not about you, then neither will the results of what they are doing. We have to learn how to let go of the efforts that aren't being reciprocated. We have to learn to move on from trying to figure things out or fixing things that we have tirelessly been sacrificing our mental faculties on, just to find out nothing is coming of it.

We have to move on. Whether it is from the bullshit you're so used to smelling, the person who no longer seems to care, or from a lifetime you have spent chasing something that doesn't seem to lose stamina. That life isn't for you. If you can make time to wonder, worry, feel hurt, and ponder resentment, then you are stealing time from yourself to be fully present with what you have to be grateful for. You are depriving yourself of the air you need to breathe by polluting your life with unfair thoughts and unjustifiable self-deprivation. 

Bottom line: we have to learn how to take responsibility and hold ourselves accountable for the directions w take in life. Not everything is in our control, but how we respond is 100% on us.

So, you see, sometimes losing is gaining. Shed the cloaks that hold the dust from the past. The ones that have holes, burn marks, rips, and stains. I know they are broken in and comfortable, but they are no longer in style. Tuck them away somewhere nice so you can always remember the path that gets you from there to here, and then put on something that you can stop hiding behind. Embrace your bold, feed your fierce, and condition your kindness. 

It's not about being a new you.... it's about being the real you. Unapologetically so. 

Peace and Joy,

Beth

New Year, Who Dis?

 I have been trying to figure out how to write my reflection blog for the new year. How to even begin to reflect on the year 2020 and how I will go into 2021. 

Truth is, I can't. 

What honestly matters to me, at this very moment, is that I am thankful to have been on this journey we have called 2020 surrounded by the very best people I could have ever been around for it.

I want to give the middle finger to the "New Year, New Me" motto this go around. Why? Because I have survived and gotten through a lot this year. I have experienced disappointments, loss, doubt, emotional heaviness.... I could go on about what I experienced this year. About what has buried me. About what has shaken me. About the emotions I often found myself drowning in some days/weeks. But what I want to focus on is the warrior inside of me. And inside of so many of my loved ones. 

So, no. This year doesn't get the New Year, New Me. And you shouldn't feel you have to jump on the bandwagon either. Because as shitty as this year has been, we are coming out of it more badass than ever. With war paint and torn armor, we have risen to every challenge. Why would I want to change that? I feel like I know who I am more now than ever. What I am made of. What I am capable of withstanding. I rarely say this, but I am proud of myself. I AM NOT CHANGING. I am so proud of those who I hold close to my heart, for they have endured so much pain as well, and here they are, defining perseverance in the finest ways.   

Do I hope for a better year? Absolutely. This year robbed so many of so much. But do I realistically think that at 12:00am on January 1, 2021 that things are going to automatically just change for the better? Um, no. I'm not saying dismiss hope. I am saying welcome reality. We can all agree that we got a humbling taste of how much our reality can change in such a short amount of time. So, don't take time for granted.

Maybe in 2021 more of us will stop bitching and start creating a living space that is made up of more gratitude and less entitlement. Maybe in 2021 we will stop shaming each other with our perceived righteousness and just  mind our own business and just live. Maybe 2021 will be the year that we realize that we don't live our lives for other people, nor should we feel like we need to. Maybe, just maybe, in 2021, we will learn to leave the petty stuff at the door and focus on what really should matter. The things that hold not only meaning, but value. 

Whatever 2021 brings me, I know I will be as ready as I can be. For the blessings, I have a more humbled heart to not only accept them but to be truly thankful and grateful for them. And for the trials, I know I have layers of shield from the callouses formed while working on surviving 2020. 

I'll leave what I've gained from 2020 for it's own post. It deserves to stand in solidarity after the fight that was fought to maintain an understanding that it is possible that so much was gained in a year where so much was taken. 

My New Years resolution for 2021? Who the hell knows....