Dear Broad Squad...

I have felt compelled to share something with you all.

I am so sorry. About everything everyone is going through. About having to navigate the emotions, the journey, and the experiences through all of this. I have so much love for you all. My heart has doubled in size just knowing that none of us have to experience this alone. I pray for all of us daily and very intentionally. To have the strength and courage to voyage these rough waters. To be at peace with acceptance, and to trust in the support of each other. It's kind of a beautiful thing that we have been brought closer and now have the common thread of Mary Ann. And how that Mary Ann shaped hole inside of us may not ever  be filled, but will always be what makes her live inside us forever. I want to hug all of your hearts. But most importantly, I want to open mine up to each of you with some perspective that I hope you find valuable or comforting.

I am not going to talk about how incredible Mary Ann is. I am not going to talk about why everyone should have the opportunity to know her. Why? Because each of you that are reading this are here because of her, and whatever part of your journey she played, you know exactly why already. She has touched each of our lives, and though we have all had our own experiences with her, we can all agree that we could go on for a lifetime about how she enriched each and every one of us in one way or another.

I want to instead talk about grief. I want each of you to know that it manifests differently in everyone. Everyone experiences trauma differently. Everyone goes at their own pace when it comes to acceptance. And if someone is not experiencing it the way you are, or the way you expect them to, it doesn't make their grief any less intense for them. Don't let the way each other grieves divide you. Always remember the "why" behind the grief and understand that the grief is just the way love cries. 

We are allowed to be selfish in our feelings, but not to tread in those waters. We can be angry and upset that we have to lose a friend... That we want her around forever. That she was robbed. But one thing I genuinely believe is that we are NOT allowed to feel sorry for ourselves or for Becca and the kids. Before you think I am being heartless, hear me out...

Feeling sorry insinuates a sense of helplessness or doubt. But overall, let's look closer at what we are really looking at here...
Has there ever been a day that has gone by that someone, if not multiple people, have reached out, checked in, and offered help? Has there ever been a time where Becca or Mary Ann couldn't count on SOMEONE to help at the drop of a hat? Has there ever been a time where we haven't collectively sent waves of prayers, good vibes, light, laughter, or love? Has there ever been a time where we haven't figured things out together, even if it mean taking shifts at doing different things just to get the job done? Have we done our part to make sure Becca's stubbornness doesn't get the best of her when we know she needs help? Have we shown up and stayed for the hard talks? Have we showered the family with love and care? Is there ANY shred of doubt that we will continue doing these things forever on end? 

I look around at each of you, and I can certainly answer these questions with confidence. We aren't allowed to feel sorry because they will forever feel the love of this rather large extended chosen family. I am certain Becca is confident that between this circle of framily, she and the kids will be taken care of. I am certain that Mary Ann trusts that as well, and is comfortable leaving them in our hands. And let's  not forget the unwavering strength Becca exudes. It is not our responsibility to feel sorry. It is our responsibility to uphold the love, grace, and support that they need. That we all need...from each other. It is our responsibility to celebrate Mary Ann and the time we got to have with her. We will be there to have slumber parties with Becca when the bed feels...bigger. We will be there to take the kids while she catches up on sleep, or wants a night away. We will be there at every event the kids have. We will be there at every milestone, setback, and the in-betweens. To be so confident and so sure about this is honestly quite humbling and reflects the values of how this family works. And just because one chapter comes to a devastatingly unfair end.... it doesn't mean we close the book. We keep writing it.  

Please don't get me wrong...I am not minimizing anyone's feelings. Lord knows tears are a plenty and hearts are aching. And rightfully so!  I am simply singing the praises of the strength of this family. And how it is going to be the saving grace of such an unfortunate, emotionally heavy, and unfair loss. We will be deprived of future endeavors with Mary Ann, but we will not deprive ourselves of her memory, her family, or honoring her. Think about the blessings that have happened in our lives just because she has been in it. Think about the number of smiles and laughs that we got to experience because of her. Think about what we learned about life thanks to her. Those things are forever instilled in us. And forever instilled in Becca and the kids. Nothing can take that from us. And THAT is the very reason why I have no worries about Becca and the kid's future. Resiliency is as strong as the support that reinforces it. We are that support. And damn we are strong together. 

Cry it out. Reach out. Run 10 miles. Break shit. Experience your grief. Experience the hurt. But also remember that through loss much is found. And for the Hunt-Soulis family, they have cultivated a family so big and so selfless and so strong that the only thing left to be found is the gift of relief that everything is going to be okay. 

Look at how comfortable we are fulfilling this heart work. Look at how we have collectively gotten through this journey thus far, and how we have gotten this family this far. Now think about how warm that light feels on the Hunt-Soulis'. When Becca says things like, "No worries, I got it", she does. She is strong and she is confident. Because what that statement means is we've got it. And we do. Always.

All my love,
Beth

When Friends Have to Be Friends

Friends. How sweet it is to have them. How extraordinary it is to be one. When we think about friends, we think about fun and laughter. We think about "that one time that....". We plan, we talk, we laugh, we cry. Together. And it is so refreshing to be able to experience this part of life.

And sometimes calling people "friends" is insulting because they are so much more than that. They learn and experience the intricacies of who we are, how we are, and what we are. They understand the good, but they welcome the bad with open hearts. The worst memories, experiences, and secrets are all known and still, there's nothing but unconditional love. These are the friends who you ask to help you bury a body and they already have the hole dug, no questions asked. The ones who you have long conversations with, leaving your heart full and your spirit brighter....and maybe a little drunk sometimes.

And they are the ones that make honesty easy. Even during the difficult times. You see, there will come  a time in your life where you will reflect on these friends and realize that one day you will have to be strong for one of them. You will realize that "rounding up the troops" will be pivotal in the game of surviving heartbreak, trauma, uncontrollable circumstances, and Earth shattering truths/happenstances. The select few who are on go, always a phone call away for whatever you throw at them. From babysitting to witnessing a living will. From hiding out to volunteering for housekeeping/cooking. From pick up/drop off schedules to taking you out into a field to break shit. Doesn't matter because they are the friends who set limitless expectations in regard to support.

Imagine how much you love these friends. This circle of family that you got to choose. How much they mean to you, how much value they have placed in your life. How much your heart beats a little faster when you think about how blessed you are to have them. And then think about something happening to them, and feeling all of that just as intensely.

You hurt with them. You suffer with them. You go through every emotion with them. But... you must wipe your tears first so you can see clearly enough to wipe theirs. You must take deep breaths so that you can talk them through theirs. You must take two minutes to collect yourself so that you can tend to their fears/anxieties/wishes. And most importantly, you must have faith that YOU can get through the hard with grace, love, and patience so that you are at peace with yourself and can say you did everything to ensure their journey was an experience that justifies their worth. And there should be absolutely no excuse, reason, and zero doubt that that could be done without question. Your strength becomes their brave. Your commitment becomes their trust. Your sanity becomes their comfort. You are THAT important.

We are afforded one life. We get one shot at living it to the fullest. And part of that is fulfilling the responsibilities of sharing love with others. Even if it means helping those we love at the end of their journey to continue experiencing our blessings we cast on to them. We have to be their "fullest". We have to be each other's "fullest". We have to experience life with each other. The good, the bad, the ugly. Till death do us part. Forever and ever. Even when we have to face the "this is my forever" part of life with the ones we love the most....

Social ME-dia

We create this world online where we share parts of ourselves with others. Sounds uplifting, right? Well, the culture we have created is one of which depends on the validation to those posts. Do we post to spread joy, or do we post to receive it? Is either one right or wrong?

We sit behind these screens, trying to find the perfect hashtag, perfect line, picture, quote, or video. How much of who we really are gets diluted? How much of our real selves gets sacrificed because of fear that it isn't going to receive accolades when posted? 

Why are we so dependent on the feedback we get from others to feel good about ourselves? When did our self-esteem begin being measured by number of likes, hearts, laugh faces, etc? 

I want to challenge you to explore this. Really think about your daily routine and how often you post, what you post, and how many times you take a picture to get it exactly right, and how many times you write and re-write a post, and how much time you spend thinking of something you feel everyone will like. 

Now ask yourself 'why'...

My beautiful people! Stop wasting energy on others and invest it in yourself. If you feel the need to be validated, look in the mirror and tell yourself exactly what you need to hear! And believe it! Because YOU. ARE. AMAZING. Be unapologetically you. 

What does that mean?

It means screw capturing the precise froth art on your morning joe and spend time making mustaches out of them instead.

It means the 20 minutes you spent setting up the magazine-esque backdrop just for a picture that ends up being captured "Morning vibes", could have been spent sleeping in and waking up more refreshed.

It means being relatable, not someone who tries to one-up others.
It looks like a messy house where memories are being made rather than a perfectly crisp house where it appears nothing fun is happening.
It means washing the dishes tomorrow because popsicles outside with the kids sounds more fun.
It means that romper looks great and you should buy it, flaunt it, and not give a damn what anyone has to say about it.
It means not comparing yourself to others. Being vulnerable to your imperfections. 

It means living out your responsibility of being kind and loving, without expectations of reciprocation or praise. 

It means..... no one gets to be you but you. And recognizing how special that is. And understanding how that will ALWAYS be good enough. 

Stop anticipating other's mentality and start anticipating how much you can get out of life when you live it according to YOU. Your self-esteem does NOT get to be determined by others. Especially those shallow and insecure enough to judge you. You do NOT get to rob yourself of your essence because it doesn't align with trends. 

So, instead of perfectionism, embrace realism. When you spend so much time trying to collect 'likes' and 'followers', you steal your own joy and pride for who you are. And eventually you forget who that is because you have conceded to conformity and authenticity just becomes an illusion.

'Love yourself, no matter who you really are...'