The Friend Without Kids

Hi, my name is Beth and I am not a mother
.
Lately, I have been struggling with this notion, for several reasons. I have accepted that my plan did not work out. That's not the issue. The issue is that it doesn't take away the pain of not having a child or two by now. And the bigger issue, is that I internalize feelings of inadequacy regarding how my mommy friends see me....or don't see me, for that matter. 

I see my friends with their kids, having play dates, bonding, and loving each other's kids as their own. Their kids will be best friends, and my friends will likely stay very close. I wanted to take that journey with you all. I wanted to have kids be best friends with your kids. But it wasn't part of God's plan for me. And that's okay.  

But sometimes I feel selfish and needy, but more than that, I feel a pain in my heart about how much I don't see some of my friends anymore. They usually say things like, "Well it is just going to be a bunch of kids and moms and I didn't think you'd want to be around all that boring stuff." The truth... I do. I do want to be involved in that "boring stuff". Why? Because your children are a part of you.  A part of someone I love dearly and want to be around more. Because you brought another version of you into this world, and that is a blessing. Because friendship shouldn't stop when roads divide.

You see, my friends that are moms now, they get me. They always have and probably always will. But I cannot say that I get them, and I internalize guilt for that. I am not a mom. There's a lot I will not understand. But hear me loudly... I DO get children. I get parenting. I get the hardships. I get the work, the effort, the love, the chaos, and the journey. I don't have kids of my own, but I am helping raise 30+ kids on a daily basis. I teach them, and guide them, and give them advice. I help them grow, I support them. I show up for them. I get frustrated with them, I discipline them, and I worry about them. I am proud of them, I encourage them, and I tell them I love them. And I do. Do I have them in my possession 24/7? No, I don't, so I cannot 100% empathize with your life as a parent,but it doesn't mean I don't want to be involved.

I am not naive. I know you don't want the same things as you did before motherhood. I know your priorities have changed. I know that life is much more complex and comes with a whole new set of barriers and praise-worthy events. I know that a schedule is difficult to follow, and that life happens. But it happens for all of us. And I want to be a part of those happenings. And I want you to be a part of mine.
I am so incredibly proud of each of you for being the parents you are being. I am so proud that you are giving us hope for our future generations to come. I am proud that you are functioning through the chaos of parenthood. I am proud of who you have grown into. I am especially proud of the way parenting fits you. I am just so....proud. 
But I selfishly want you to be proud of me too. I have gone through very tough transitions in my life. I have reached, what seemed like, impossible goals. I have gained achievements and I have taken strides toward major changes in my life. And I have wanted you to be there for all of it. I want to make you as proud of me as I have been for myself. Why? Because you matter to me. We have seen each other through everything. You are part of the reason I have these goals. Because a lifetime worth of inspiration is from each of you. Because you believe in me, and would let me know regularly. I tried to keep in close touch. I tried to set up dinner nights. I tried to be involved. And while some of you respond, I know now that maybe I have been selfish. Or maybe I have just been misguided. Or maybe I have been jealous because you are where I wish I were at this point in my life. 

Please don't think I am angry. I am not in the slightest bit. I think I just have to accept that my timing is wrong. That I should wait for you to contact me as you adjust to life as a parent. I want you to soak it all in. I want you to not take time with them for granted. I want you to love them hard and tell them every single day that they matter and you are there for them. I never want you to miss a milestone, sporting event, heartbreak, fundraiser, dance recital, school project, or a mommy-child date. But I do want you to know that I want to see them in a tutu, I want to cheer for them from the stands, I want to go to their plays, and I want to hear all about their milestones. I want to do all that with you. Life has changed, we have changed, and our efforts have changed. But my love for each of you has not. Though life becomes a whole new level of beautiful when you become a parent, I know it can get harder and more complicated at times as well. I want to be there for you. For all the wonderful, and all the messy, and all the learning. 
I know life can get overwhelming as a parent. I want to support you through that. I know life with kids can require you to be at three places at once. I want to be a stand-in parent so that your kids have someone that loves them at events you can't make. Parenting is not easy. There are no instructions. There's times of feeling like you're failing your kids because you aren't the Pinterest mom. There are times when you feel like running away. Or you lock yourself in the closet just to get 15 minutes of quiet or sleep. I want to be the person you call from that closet. I may not have kids, but I am someone who wouldn't have to find a sitter to come help you with yours. I wouldn't be able to tell you how my day has been the same, but I can tell you how strong you are and how my closet is my car, and how I hide away in it often. I want to have movie nights with your kids where we bake treats and binge watch Pixar films. I just want you to know, you are embedded in my life, and I want nothing more than to make room in my heart for your kids, too.
I know you have your families now. I'm just saying I want to feel like I'm still a part of it, too. Because you are always and forever a part of mine. 

Much love to each of you. I love you all!

Beth