Ex Appeal

Dear Exes,
You have all played a pivotal role in my understanding of preservation in regard to relationships. So, thank you for that. Exes dont always get the credit they deserve. So...
Thank you all for being exactly what I needed at that juncture in my life. Whether it ended well or not, I choose to focus on growth.
My hope is that I taught you as much as you taught me about life, love, relationships, and growth. I have learned so much throughout life, and much of that is from my time with you. Regardless of what phase in my life you were a part of, the love and appreciation I have for you measures the same.
The experiences we shared have given me the ability to do better, be better, and become wiser. I'm sorry it has taken me this long to realize that the aftermath of us is worth as much as when we were together. Manifested differently, of course, but still as valuable. I've learned how to navigate grief, anger, sadness, and loss. I have learned a lot about resiliency and recovery. Most of all, I have learned more about forgiveness... both giving it and asking for it... than ever through my relationships.
I have learned to compartmentalize my wants and my needs regarding my feelings. I still get mad, and sad, and feel pain at times, and it makes me want to hate (either you or myself, depending on how our story ended). But I realize I dont need to hate. I need to be thankful that one of us realized forever wasnt for us. So that we can have a chance with whoever forever is. Hurting someone is hard, and being hurt by someone seems harder. But pain is pain, and at some point we have to stop and ask ourselves, "What did this teach me?" instead of "Why did this happen to me?" When we learn to reflect on the truths of the relationship, we begin to see that even though we were a part of each other's lives, it does not necessarily mean we were part of a whole. For a while, we were a whole. We were as whole as we were meant to be for that time. We were wholeheartedly all in. And though we ended, it doesn't take away from the fact that there was a beginning and middle that shaped how we view what love looks like, feels like, and how different each experience can be.
You have also taught me about fear and bravery. Being scared shitless to give my heart away again. Scared of being hurt or hurting someone else. Scared to take chances and scared to do life solo. Scared I will never find a best friend in someone else like I did with you. But that fear provoked courage to do all of those things. The end of each of our relationships brought a chance for the beginning of a new one. And with each new one, new courage, new confidence, and new perspective bloomed. In other words, I'm doing something right if each new journey is different than the one before.
Break ups have taught me about effort, and how sometimes we become monotonous and stop trying. And how there's no such thing as compensating for someone's else's lack of effort. Lack of effort seems to mean lack of desire. Ouch. But it doesnt mean it is/was purposeful. We didn't plan pain, we didn't plan an end. And what we DO plan, well, sometimes it gets rained out...washing away everything that hides the truth and exposing us to the hard reality that our shore has eroded. And that's hard to face, but necessary nonetheless.
Whether we were together for ten days or ten years, each relationship has brought purpose to my life and depth to who I have become. I appreciate and will always preserve the best parts of each of you. Because, at the end of the day, some of the very best parts of my life were with you, and some of those memories will remain that way.
If I hurt you, please forgive me. At the time, I thought I was doing the best I could. If you hurt me, my forgiveness is yours. Thank you for the pain...it reminds me of how real my feelings were for you, and in retrospect, that's an extraordinary gift you have given me; the opportunity to love you.

Forever grateful,
Beth