There was one moment, though, that I felt the most present and alive. As we were sitting at R&R, there was a moment where I just looked around the table, and in my mind the sound faded, and I just watched as everyone was laughing, smiling, and genuinely enjoying each other's company. We were throwing our heads back in laughter, wiping happy tears from our eyes, and having to take breaks from smiling because our cheeks were sore.This group has never been together before. Ever. But you would have never known it. No one was looking at their phone. No one was checking their watch. No one was in a hurry to leave. There was no time for awkward silences or feelings of discomfort. Everything was simply right. It was the first time in a long time that I felt I was right where I was supposed to be. Where I wanted to be.
And if that wasn't already enough, hearing the news that my soon-to-be-sister-in-law told us that some unexpected guests will in fact be attending their wedding made my heart do cartwheels. That news alone would have made my entire weekend, and as we were writing down dates, and ideas, and to-do's, I couldn't help but get even more excited for October!
I could go on about all the details of the weekend, but I won't. I don't need to. I have them locked inside of me, and I can appreciate them without validation from others. I simply wanted to make clear the fact that I have discovered ways to free myself from...myself. I have been told countless times to stop beating myself up, to do something that makes me happy, to move on. None of those things seemed possible for a long time. They still don't a lot of the time, but after this weekend, I have reassurance that happiness is something I can allow myself to feel without feeling bad about it. That I can accept that I have made mistakes, but I am worth forgiveness, no matter if it is immediate or months/years down the road. I am deserving. I don't want to miss out on opportunities to be present in joy. I don't want to worry about things that are no longer relevant to me. I don't want to miss something/someone so much that I dismiss taking chances on other experiences.
If every weekend you get to experience the kind of joy I experienced this weekend, do not take that for granted. Do not become desensitized to appreciating those moments. And talk about them. Talk about what makes your face hurt. Talk about what in those moments meant the most to you. Talk about plans to do it again. Don't ignore the meaning of moments. Live in them, thrive from them, and grow into a person who radiates a level of liveliness that others cannot help but want to join.
As there was so much to celebrate this weekend, I am at peace knowing that one of the things I can personally celebrate is the peace of mind I gave myself this weekend. I got out of my head long enough to make room for new memories. Here's to hoping for many more...
