Moving On...

So, here I am, wanting to write and not knowing where to even begin...

The last week or so, I have felt...angry, I guess you could say. For many reasons, but mainly for the way I feel trapped. Lately, things had been going relatively well for me, and then not so much. Things were looking up, and then not so much. I have felt that things aren't fair, but I am also tired of victim mentality. So annoying.

I have tried to handle everything with as much poise, grace, consideration, and respect as possible. I tried to promise myself I would not get angry, or mad, or mean. Those things just don't fit with how I like to handle/manage/process things and situations. BUT, here I am... mad, angry, and resentful. These things have no room in my heart, but I forgot about my head.... there's plenty of room there. I guess these feelings were inevitable, but I can still handle these feelings productively.

Sometimes, I wish I could be the asshole everyone wants me to be. And lately, I have come close. But what I can be is real. I can admit that I have not been fair to myself. I have not put myself as my priority. I have taken responsibility for more than I should, and I have allowed my feelings to manifest in ways that are emotionally self-destructive. This has got to stop. It is time for me. It is time I redefine, re-establish, and rediscover myself. I have been thirsty for this, but couldn't find my way to it... until today.

I walked into what, for years, has been my home. When I opened the door, the most familiar place in the world did not feel familiar at all. It just suddenly wasn't the same. For the first time, I felt like I shouldn't be there. I have had unpleasant feelings walking into the house ever since the break-up, but never have I felt like this. I stood in the middle of the living room floor, petting the dogs, completely void of emotion. I looked around as if I have never seen the place before, and it hit me... this is no longer my life, nor will it be again... and for some reason, I was completely fine with that notion. I have been very clear in understanding that she was not coming back, but this is the first time I realized I don't want her to. The clarity on that hit me like a brick. I sobbed...not out of sadness, but because I felt relieved. I finally let go of the parts of this situation that has been holding me back from focusing on what is important to me. For so long, I have been focusing so hard on how I was going to fathom moving forward, that I forgot to start moving altogether. And now that I have taken steps forward, going backward just no longer makes any sense.

I took the long way back to work. As I drove, I realized I have taken away permission from myself to understand my worth. I have doubted my worth for weeks. I have allowed the situation to define my worth. Well, guess what?! I am a good fucking (sorry, not sorry) person. I deserve more. I have a great heart, with a good soul, with plenty to give, and a hell of a lot to learn. I deserve a happiness that matches my value. I am intelligent, I love hard, and I am learning how to stand up for myself in a way that protects me from my vulnerabilities. I am learning from my experiences rather than dwelling in them. 

I still hold on to hope...but not hope for us to work out. Rather, hope that I continue to love without fear. I am still trying to get her back...but the her is now me. I've rediscovered parts of me that I have missed for a while, and getting me back is starting to feel really good. Do I still miss her? Of course... but Ive missed me more.  It is no longer about her, or the past, or what could have been. It is about me, moving forward, and toward what is meant to be....

Warning Label

Where to  begin on this one...

The demise of my relationship did not steal the best parts of me. It did not steal my light, it simply dimmed it. It did not steal my joy, it just made me doubt it. And it did not steal my affinity for love, it made me realize my infinite capacity for it.

A relationship ends, and you are left processing your feelings (allll the feelings), picking up the pieces, putting yourself back together, and carrying on...

For me, the carrying on part is like being on a treadmill lately. You are pushing through, as hard as you can, yet you seem to go nowhere. And, it's not that I can't make myself get anywhere, it's that some things are out of my control. I feel like I have been stamped with a huge warning label.... DANGER: JUST GOT OUT OF A 10 YEAR RELATIONSHIP; APPROACH WITH CAUTION! The thing is... I am not mad about it. I can't be. The reservation is extremely valid, I cannot argue with the emotional disposition of the "warning".

What I CAN say, however, is that I wholeheartedly appreciate the honesty given to me by another about these reservations. The open communication, the shared concerns, and the willingness to move forward at a reasonable, appropriate pace. It's tough being told by others that you're not ready for certain things...but sometimes, to a certain extent, it's necessary. Their reservations put me in check as well...which is also necessary.

Though... the last few weeks, my heart has danced.

Finding someone unexpectedly, who makes you realize things, feel things, and understand things about yourself that you haven't explored in a while is both extraordinary and terrifying. I have been challenged in so many ways in the past few weeks than I have in the past year. In a good way... a great way actually. Conversations are easy, and organic. I have more clarity, and I feel much more motivated to participate in my own life. Though slowing down isn't easy, it's best... and the fact that slowing down is an option (rather than stopping altogether) makes it feel worth it.

There's something about connection, though, that provokes drive. This one person, in particular, has inspired me to learn more about myself than anyone has in a very, very long time. I feel I have been awaken; to find my purpose, my potential, and to reignite my passion... independently and organically. I don't feel the need to seek other's approval, to make decisions based on their reactions, or feel the need to hold back. I am excited about life, and what it is in the process of leading me to. I feel empowered to make some changes within myself; changes that would make me a stronger, less vulnerable version of myself... which, let's be honest, I've needed for a while. I've been told I don't have a mean bone in my body...that I need some grit. Honestly, I have to agree. I've learned there's a fine line between nice and enabling. Grit separates the difference.

In the past few weeks, I've laughed from deep in my belly, I've connected in ways that I have been missing out on, and I have learned that simple, superficial, silly shared interests actually make all the difference. I've experienced someone who has the same amount of passion for their purpose as I do about mine...maybe even more. Passion about purpose is absolutely beautiful. It's inspiring, and I cannot fathom not having a passion for something. But the fire that burns from this person's heart could warm an entire city... it's extraordinary.

So, to you...the one who I get to go slow with:
The warning label is necessary, but not permanent. It is understandable, but not defining. And if slowing down is what it takes to ensure protection, certainty, and clarity, for both of us,
then I'm perfectly happy with that. I have so much respect for your honesty, clear expectations, and open communication.  I have developed an amazing respect for you, and what you stand for.  I love that you are true to yourself, and are strong to your values of you doing you. I value who you are, and appreciate the way you genuinely care. I thoroughly enjoy the time we spend together, even when it's just for a few hours, and I love that simple things make you happy. I revel in our conversations, as they are both thought-provoking and refreshing, and I could talk to you for hours (obviously). Thank you for your perspective, and for sharing your take on life. You are truly extraordinary, and I am thankful that you unexpectedly wandered into my life...