Turning Pages

The thing about the next chapter is that you have to be ready to turn the page. Your heart has to tell your brain to tell your hand to turn the page. The thing we often overlook in the whole concept of the page turn, is that it doesn't close the book. You don't just unwrite everything before that page. I don't have to wonder if I was ever good enough or if I was ever valued or if I was ever loved because it's already written in my book that I was all of those things, as she was/is to me. It's not like I'm a car that loses half its value once it's driven off the lot. Everything we experience together was real and though we are no longer together, it doesn't make it any less real. And in that realness, that's where we understand that we are better for knowing each other and loving each other and being each other's everything.

So how do we make our hand turn the page? Sometimes we have to put our hands together and pray for God to "grant us the serenity to accept the things that we cannot change, the courage to change the things that we can, and the wisdom to know the difference." That last part... the wisdom to know the difference... It's where I struggle most. Not because I don't understand, but because it makes me hurt.

Before turning the page, though, I think it's so important to answer the question " how the hell did we get here" together. Because through that conversation comes the clarity that you've needed. Does it hurt like a pain you've never felt before? Absolutely. But that conversation maybe the most valuable thing to reassure both people that there was value and worth in every minute that they were together. That it was all for something. That it mattered. And that it always will.

The intricacies of our relationship we're just that... OURS. We were able to talk about the darkest, dustiest corners of our lives, inspire each other, promoted growth, and we saw our best and worst selves....regardless of the outcome. We are each other's biggest fan, rock, and believed in each other when no one else (even ourself) did. The beautiful part about all of that...we still do.

Nothing will change in terms of how amazing I think she is, and I believe she feels the same about me. 10 years together is pivotal in itself, just imagine how many wonderful memories, major life changes, overcomings, experiences, and celebrations that consists of. That doesn't have to change just because we are having to turn the page.

She will still be the person I want to tell all good and bad and big things too first, and the best part about that is that I know I still can. Because I believe she will always root for me and be there for me no matter what. And I for her, always.

For me, anger has no place in any chapter of this journey. Hurt, pain, and cloudiness, sure, but not anger. I know her heart, I know her soul...they are both fierce with extraordinary compassion.

Healing is a process. A journey in itself. In order to begin that process, you have to allow yourself to feel, to grieve, and to be 100% vulnerable to your feelings. You have to be honest with yourself. People don't agree with how I am processing this, and that's okay, because I would never expect anyone to understand.

My heart feels what I won't let my head think, so I focus on the good. I may not feel good, but there was so much more good than bad. So much. And I have to believe that the purpose of a change of this magnitude is for both of us to reach a place within ourselves that only we can discover on our own.

There are people that come in and out of our lives. Then there are those VERY few that come and stay. Then...there are those who the universe planted in your life that take root and grow with you forever, no matter the circumstances. She is my tree, my person. And just because we are turning this page, doesn't mean we won't be written into the next. Our relationship loses its status, not its meaning.

Our lives will not be lived together in the same way, but we haven't lost each other...we have just found a new way to be in each other's lives. And while it is painful, and hard, it's also an opportunity. And that opportunity is embedded in strength, courage, and change...all of which make people better.

Turning the page can be terrifying, but we have to realize that when we turn this page, it's not going to say The End. We aren't even close to it. This chapter, maybe, but not the story. I'm beginning to look forward to what happens next. For both of us. No matter what, she will be my rock, my person, my tree. And I believe she knows I will always be those things for her. We may be turning pages, and our story line may change, but we will still contribute as authors to each other's stories.

Our relationship had more than a purpose. We didn't come this far just to get this far. Our relationship may be over, but our story isn't. It is not "The End", it is simply the beginning of something new. Here's to the new us!