Where Head Meets Heart

Hearts are hard to enter, but easy to hurt.
They love hard, but break harder.
They can dance to the beat of euphoria, or they can wilt in the darkness of pain.

The mind is the most powerful tool, and the most dangerous to operate.
It can carry us through, or bury us under.
It can create bliss, and destroy exuberance.

When the two collide, it's either elation or catastrophe. They are either in perfect unison, or they are at war. Do we listen, or do we feel? Where is our soul in this equation?

When our heart and our mind are not slow dancing together, or plummeting into tragedy, we wait in a state of purgatory for our fate. We battle for balance. We make sense of what we know, and we search to understand what we don't.

When we come to the realization that heartbreak is out of our control, and that it's someone else who supersedes the power of our feelings, we lose sight of our reality. We wonder what we did wrong. Where it went wrong. What we could have done differently. A soul that was once warmth has been frostbitten, and our mind tells us this can't be real. But it is. And it will be. And you alone cannot change it. You want to feel like it is all a dream, so you feel with your heart. You want to work for the fight to pull through, so you think with your mind... only to realize you are playing tug-of-war with your soul. Ultimately realizing you are the only one putting forth the effort to battle the demons that have been blindly haunting the relationship.

Effort should be effortless. A beautiful irony, that is. Our will to work for alignment between our heart and head should always be a need, not a choice. When life becomes hard, so should our work to personify the quality of life we intrinsically believe we deserve. Our results are our reflection of our will. We define what failure is. We construct our underpinning of which we build our version of where we believe we should be, need to be, or want to be. Along the way, we meet many wrecking balls, who pull us so high just to come crashing down on what we spent so long assembling. And once we are down to our last brick, when there is nothing left to tear down, it is the dust that settles...not us. We rise. We rebuild. And we become better. The broken pieces still left of our heart are merely fragments of our mind that still want to hold on. Let them go. Our mind belongs to our heart, and what a love story that could be...

Moving On...

So, here I am, wanting to write and not knowing where to even begin...

The last week or so, I have felt...angry, I guess you could say. For many reasons, but mainly for the way I feel trapped. Lately, things had been going relatively well for me, and then not so much. Things were looking up, and then not so much. I have felt that things aren't fair, but I am also tired of victim mentality. So annoying.

I have tried to handle everything with as much poise, grace, consideration, and respect as possible. I tried to promise myself I would not get angry, or mad, or mean. Those things just don't fit with how I like to handle/manage/process things and situations. BUT, here I am... mad, angry, and resentful. These things have no room in my heart, but I forgot about my head.... there's plenty of room there. I guess these feelings were inevitable, but I can still handle these feelings productively.

Sometimes, I wish I could be the asshole everyone wants me to be. And lately, I have come close. But what I can be is real. I can admit that I have not been fair to myself. I have not put myself as my priority. I have taken responsibility for more than I should, and I have allowed my feelings to manifest in ways that are emotionally self-destructive. This has got to stop. It is time for me. It is time I redefine, re-establish, and rediscover myself. I have been thirsty for this, but couldn't find my way to it... until today.

I walked into what, for years, has been my home. When I opened the door, the most familiar place in the world did not feel familiar at all. It just suddenly wasn't the same. For the first time, I felt like I shouldn't be there. I have had unpleasant feelings walking into the house ever since the break-up, but never have I felt like this. I stood in the middle of the living room floor, petting the dogs, completely void of emotion. I looked around as if I have never seen the place before, and it hit me... this is no longer my life, nor will it be again... and for some reason, I was completely fine with that notion. I have been very clear in understanding that she was not coming back, but this is the first time I realized I don't want her to. The clarity on that hit me like a brick. I sobbed...not out of sadness, but because I felt relieved. I finally let go of the parts of this situation that has been holding me back from focusing on what is important to me. For so long, I have been focusing so hard on how I was going to fathom moving forward, that I forgot to start moving altogether. And now that I have taken steps forward, going backward just no longer makes any sense.

I took the long way back to work. As I drove, I realized I have taken away permission from myself to understand my worth. I have doubted my worth for weeks. I have allowed the situation to define my worth. Well, guess what?! I am a good fucking (sorry, not sorry) person. I deserve more. I have a great heart, with a good soul, with plenty to give, and a hell of a lot to learn. I deserve a happiness that matches my value. I am intelligent, I love hard, and I am learning how to stand up for myself in a way that protects me from my vulnerabilities. I am learning from my experiences rather than dwelling in them. 

I still hold on to hope...but not hope for us to work out. Rather, hope that I continue to love without fear. I am still trying to get her back...but the her is now me. I've rediscovered parts of me that I have missed for a while, and getting me back is starting to feel really good. Do I still miss her? Of course... but Ive missed me more.  It is no longer about her, or the past, or what could have been. It is about me, moving forward, and toward what is meant to be....

Warning Label

Where to  begin on this one...

The demise of my relationship did not steal the best parts of me. It did not steal my light, it simply dimmed it. It did not steal my joy, it just made me doubt it. And it did not steal my affinity for love, it made me realize my infinite capacity for it.

A relationship ends, and you are left processing your feelings (allll the feelings), picking up the pieces, putting yourself back together, and carrying on...

For me, the carrying on part is like being on a treadmill lately. You are pushing through, as hard as you can, yet you seem to go nowhere. And, it's not that I can't make myself get anywhere, it's that some things are out of my control. I feel like I have been stamped with a huge warning label.... DANGER: JUST GOT OUT OF A 10 YEAR RELATIONSHIP; APPROACH WITH CAUTION! The thing is... I am not mad about it. I can't be. The reservation is extremely valid, I cannot argue with the emotional disposition of the "warning".

What I CAN say, however, is that I wholeheartedly appreciate the honesty given to me by another about these reservations. The open communication, the shared concerns, and the willingness to move forward at a reasonable, appropriate pace. It's tough being told by others that you're not ready for certain things...but sometimes, to a certain extent, it's necessary. Their reservations put me in check as well...which is also necessary.

Though... the last few weeks, my heart has danced.

Finding someone unexpectedly, who makes you realize things, feel things, and understand things about yourself that you haven't explored in a while is both extraordinary and terrifying. I have been challenged in so many ways in the past few weeks than I have in the past year. In a good way... a great way actually. Conversations are easy, and organic. I have more clarity, and I feel much more motivated to participate in my own life. Though slowing down isn't easy, it's best... and the fact that slowing down is an option (rather than stopping altogether) makes it feel worth it.

There's something about connection, though, that provokes drive. This one person, in particular, has inspired me to learn more about myself than anyone has in a very, very long time. I feel I have been awaken; to find my purpose, my potential, and to reignite my passion... independently and organically. I don't feel the need to seek other's approval, to make decisions based on their reactions, or feel the need to hold back. I am excited about life, and what it is in the process of leading me to. I feel empowered to make some changes within myself; changes that would make me a stronger, less vulnerable version of myself... which, let's be honest, I've needed for a while. I've been told I don't have a mean bone in my body...that I need some grit. Honestly, I have to agree. I've learned there's a fine line between nice and enabling. Grit separates the difference.

In the past few weeks, I've laughed from deep in my belly, I've connected in ways that I have been missing out on, and I have learned that simple, superficial, silly shared interests actually make all the difference. I've experienced someone who has the same amount of passion for their purpose as I do about mine...maybe even more. Passion about purpose is absolutely beautiful. It's inspiring, and I cannot fathom not having a passion for something. But the fire that burns from this person's heart could warm an entire city... it's extraordinary.

So, to you...the one who I get to go slow with:
The warning label is necessary, but not permanent. It is understandable, but not defining. And if slowing down is what it takes to ensure protection, certainty, and clarity, for both of us,
then I'm perfectly happy with that. I have so much respect for your honesty, clear expectations, and open communication.  I have developed an amazing respect for you, and what you stand for.  I love that you are true to yourself, and are strong to your values of you doing you. I value who you are, and appreciate the way you genuinely care. I thoroughly enjoy the time we spend together, even when it's just for a few hours, and I love that simple things make you happy. I revel in our conversations, as they are both thought-provoking and refreshing, and I could talk to you for hours (obviously). Thank you for your perspective, and for sharing your take on life. You are truly extraordinary, and I am thankful that you unexpectedly wandered into my life...

Turning Pages

The thing about the next chapter is that you have to be ready to turn the page. Your heart has to tell your brain to tell your hand to turn the page. The thing we often overlook in the whole concept of the page turn, is that it doesn't close the book. You don't just unwrite everything before that page. I don't have to wonder if I was ever good enough or if I was ever valued or if I was ever loved because it's already written in my book that I was all of those things, as she was/is to me. It's not like I'm a car that loses half its value once it's driven off the lot. Everything we experience together was real and though we are no longer together, it doesn't make it any less real. And in that realness, that's where we understand that we are better for knowing each other and loving each other and being each other's everything.

So how do we make our hand turn the page? Sometimes we have to put our hands together and pray for God to "grant us the serenity to accept the things that we cannot change, the courage to change the things that we can, and the wisdom to know the difference." That last part... the wisdom to know the difference... It's where I struggle most. Not because I don't understand, but because it makes me hurt.

Before turning the page, though, I think it's so important to answer the question " how the hell did we get here" together. Because through that conversation comes the clarity that you've needed. Does it hurt like a pain you've never felt before? Absolutely. But that conversation maybe the most valuable thing to reassure both people that there was value and worth in every minute that they were together. That it was all for something. That it mattered. And that it always will.

The intricacies of our relationship we're just that... OURS. We were able to talk about the darkest, dustiest corners of our lives, inspire each other, promoted growth, and we saw our best and worst selves....regardless of the outcome. We are each other's biggest fan, rock, and believed in each other when no one else (even ourself) did. The beautiful part about all of that...we still do.

Nothing will change in terms of how amazing I think she is, and I believe she feels the same about me. 10 years together is pivotal in itself, just imagine how many wonderful memories, major life changes, overcomings, experiences, and celebrations that consists of. That doesn't have to change just because we are having to turn the page.

She will still be the person I want to tell all good and bad and big things too first, and the best part about that is that I know I still can. Because I believe she will always root for me and be there for me no matter what. And I for her, always.

For me, anger has no place in any chapter of this journey. Hurt, pain, and cloudiness, sure, but not anger. I know her heart, I know her soul...they are both fierce with extraordinary compassion.

Healing is a process. A journey in itself. In order to begin that process, you have to allow yourself to feel, to grieve, and to be 100% vulnerable to your feelings. You have to be honest with yourself. People don't agree with how I am processing this, and that's okay, because I would never expect anyone to understand.

My heart feels what I won't let my head think, so I focus on the good. I may not feel good, but there was so much more good than bad. So much. And I have to believe that the purpose of a change of this magnitude is for both of us to reach a place within ourselves that only we can discover on our own.

There are people that come in and out of our lives. Then there are those VERY few that come and stay. Then...there are those who the universe planted in your life that take root and grow with you forever, no matter the circumstances. She is my tree, my person. And just because we are turning this page, doesn't mean we won't be written into the next. Our relationship loses its status, not its meaning.

Our lives will not be lived together in the same way, but we haven't lost each other...we have just found a new way to be in each other's lives. And while it is painful, and hard, it's also an opportunity. And that opportunity is embedded in strength, courage, and change...all of which make people better.

Turning the page can be terrifying, but we have to realize that when we turn this page, it's not going to say The End. We aren't even close to it. This chapter, maybe, but not the story. I'm beginning to look forward to what happens next. For both of us. No matter what, she will be my rock, my person, my tree. And I believe she knows I will always be those things for her. We may be turning pages, and our story line may change, but we will still contribute as authors to each other's stories.

Our relationship had more than a purpose. We didn't come this far just to get this far. Our relationship may be over, but our story isn't. It is not "The End", it is simply the beginning of something new. Here's to the new us!

Unequivocally You

You.
All of you.

That's what I love.

There are a million reasons why. But the best part is that you barely know half of them.

I shamelessly love your flaws, and I never grow tired of your imperfections. I would have you no other way.

I never look at you...only within you. For that is where I find the unfiltered version of you. It is where my soul feels most comfortable, and where my heart finds its beat.

My heart celebrates what my mind cannot comprehend, and what a lovely celebration it is. It's a song that doesn't need words, and music that doesn't need sound.

I will never settle for perfect. I want your wildfires and your fury. I want your passions and your purpose. I want your objections, and I want you to challenge me. I want your benevolence and your drive. I crave it all.

I'm in love with knowing this feeling is something I could never achieve on my own. It's insurmountable. It's you.

The End.