September 18, 2015 - It's the middle of the night, and I rush mj to the ER with 104.2 fever and severe stomach complications. We were in the hospital for 5 nights....very long nights. It was emotionally exhausting, and I felt so helpless. I cannot IMAGINE the horror she endured for that time.. To this day, things are not quite back to 100% normal functioning, but she's much, much better. Effing salmonella. But the support we had and the visitors we had....made a world of difference. Having to dig deeep inside to find strength to stay strong, and diligent, and positive for someone who is at their weakest is really an extraordinary feat. Especially when they are one of the strongest people you know. It was heartbreaking and terrifying to see her in such a state. I can't imagine what it felt like for her.
September 20, 2015 - my sister, Nikki, lost someone near and dear to her to Ovarian Cancer. I only had the privilege to speak to Jess a few times on the phone and through facebook, but man....what a golden human. Nikkis world was shattered with the loss of Jess. There's an unfillable hole in her heart, and her pain is my pain. Again, I was helpless, and could only comfort Nikki with support and kind words. No one can take that pain away or make it okay. But to see Nikki hurt that badly was gut wrenching. Still is.... She thinks about Jess often, and she still hurts deeply, but I think Jess would be proud of who she has grown to be. I am.
September 29, 2015 - I said goodbye to the job I didn't want to leave. But little did I know the real challenges that came with losing a job. It took me EIGHT months to find a job. Eight. What a humbling experience that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. But none of that mattered as much as the loss of the job. They let go of me, but I could not, and still can't, let go of them. I was serving and living my life's calling. I was, and still am, hyper-passionate about that work. And then boom! Grants get cut and I have the rug pulled out from under me. #nonprofitprobs. I could go on and on and on about the emotional scars it left me with, and how much it still pains me today....but I really don't have the emotional energy for that rerun. I'm thankful I am working now, and still helping people that really need it....but it's not the same. I try my hardest to make it the same, but it's not. I like what I do, I LOVE the people....but I'm still grieving, I guess.
September sucked. When circumstances happen that are out of your control, you already feel defeated. And learning what I COULD control and how I COULD be helpful are lessons I'm appreciative for learning. And yes, I'm emotional as I enter into the month of September this year, but I'm going to try to do something good every single day, so that even if something bad does happen, there was still good. I cannot survive another September like last year's. I don't have the emotional capacity. And I KNOW Melissa and Nikki can do without reliving their September's as well. So, September 1st....I'm not ready for you, but I am up to the challenge of defeating you.
