Happily Ever Afterwords...

Growing up, we learn what kind of person we should look for. We learn about attraction, playing hard to get, how to ask someone out, how to tell if someone likes us...etc. Fairytales taught us (sometimes in a very dark way) how to persevere until we get our happy ending. In retrospect, I realize nothing ever taught us about what happens next. "Happily ever after" really means "I don't feel like writing about the complexities of relationships and there's no point because half of them fail anyway". Where the hell do we learn about how to thrive once we get everything we want? How do we know what to do in unfamiliar territory? The more I thought about how much we didn't learn about relationships growing up, the more I realized it's all about the concept of understanding. Especially when it comes to needs and wants.
Sometimes you need that blunt friend. Sometimes you need the support of a sibling because they understand where you came from. Maybe you need the affirmations from a priest or pastor, or other faith-based leader. Maybe you need a forum of people online telling you how to handle something. Maybe you need a stranger's perspective. Either way, no matter what, we as humans have a lot of needs. And for some unfathomable reason, we develop this unrealistic expectation that we are to look for "the one" who can provide ALL of these things and meet ALL of our needs. One.single.person. It's no wonder you always hear "I'm never going to find Mrs/Mr Right!"
That's what's wrong with relationships. They are so full of pressure, expectations, and desires that turn into demands. We cannot expect one single person to provide us with everything we will ever need. We need our friends, we need our family, we need strangers, and music, and running, and groups, and books. We need our escapes. We need OURSELVES. Our lives are so dynamic, so how can we expect one person to understand every part of it?
So where does a partner fit in then? A "perfect" partner is the one who knows they aren't perfect, nor will they ever be. They understand the difference between being a perfect person and being the perfect person for you. They understand that they will not understand everything about you. They are aware that your needs will sometimes go beyond what they can provide. But most importantly, they will be okay with all of this. And furthermore, it won't stop them from still trying...every day...trying. They will sometimes fail miserably, but they won't see it as failure, and honestly, neither  will you.
You see, the "perfect" partner will aways know that not everything involves them, but they let you know they will be your everything when all else fails. They ultimately know they cannot give you everything, or be everything, or understand everything you need, but they are beyond elated to die trying.
Relationships require nurture and balance. Communication and self control. Compromise and sacrifice. Apologies and intimacy. Trust and understanding. Time alone and time together. But the sacrifice and compromise and balance isn't about give and take. It's about measuring your self worth and deciding that the other person is worth the same. Supporting the relationship like you support yourself. Knowing that your being should be celebrated, not just tolorated.
Be your partners rock. The rock they can climb when they need a new perspective, the rock they can throw when they are frustrated, the rock they can lean on when they need something sturdy,  the rock they can kick when they need you to understand their pain. The rock they can hide under when everything needs to fade away. And lastly, be the rock that is strong enough to realize you are not the solver of all his/her problems. Strong enough to know not to internalize them reaching out to others as a feeling of inadequacy. Strong enough to see that his/her happiness and peace doesn't depend on you making everything better...rather, it depends on knowing you would do just about anything to get there.
A good relationship involves two people who are okay with not agreeing on everything and not having everything in common. They take those dissimilarities and, instead of holding against one another, they grow into different perspectives without straying from their own since of individuality. In arguments, they know it's not always about who is right and who is wrong....or that it may not even be about right and wrong. Sometimes it's about challenging each other to see things, think about things, and respect things in a way that let's you as a person grow. Arguments don't HAVE to end in an agreement...they are an opportunity to just need to feel heard to see that there's more than one way to look at something, even if you still disagree. For instance, you don't have to agree with me that donating time or money to a charity at least once a month is something we should do, but thank you so much for listening long enough to understand why I believe it is, and thank you for helping me understand that sometimes it may not be feasible.That, in and of itself,  is all we should want...the willingness and the effort to understand. and when understanding it is hard, or seems impossible, it doesn't mean a deviation from compatibility, it simply validates the reason why we have friends, and family, and lyrics, and books, and strangers. You see, coming to an understanding isn't the need that needs to be met....the effort to want to understand is. And until people can accept the realistic expectations of relationships, they will not be ready to put in the actual work it takes to manage them. If things get tough, you BOTH work, together and separately, to fulfill needs not being met. Take responsibility in your part, but be sure not to take responsibility for your significant other's part. If it means making sacrifices, make sure those sacrifices do not interfere with your self worth and values, otherwise your relationship with result in resentment and disdain. It will inevitably fail.
If you cannot accept that relationships DO take work, and that it's not always going to be like the honeymoon phase, and there will be struggles, and that you never stop learning, then how can you expect to learn to appreciate the value of what you put into and get out of the relationship at all? For better or for worse doesn't mean you get to pick one....it means for better AND for worse.  How can you respect how sturdy the foundation of which your relationship was built on if you never try to get through a storm together? It's like building a beautiful house with everything you ever wanted and then not living in it because you don't want to have to deal with the upkeep, or you're scared to mess it up.
Get INTO a relationship to get something of value OUT of it...if it happens to be a lifetime together, then build a strong house and remember to clean it and take out the trash.