Marriage

One of the most influential classes I ever took in my college career was Argumentation. Not because I like to argue, but because I learned how to effectively debate a topic with an open enough mind to learn something new and gain perspective, while at the same time holding true to what I believe. If I took anything away from that class, it was this: In order to maximize the chance to influence those listening to you, you mustn’t start by proving a point…you start by simply making one. Your goal shouldn’t be to shut someone down, rather, it should be to open someone up to a different perspective long enough to develop a mutual rapport and respect for one another. Starting off this way makes it easier to reciprocate, thus hopefully resulting in a productive debate. Otherwise, we go off on tangents just trying to prove the other person wrong instead of agreeing on all the ideas we believe are right…from both sides. We don’t have to agree with everything, but if we agree on nothing, what was the debate worth? Pitting two sides further against each other? Promoting more justification to feel more right than the other?

Movements for policy change, educational standards, healthcare transparency, and so on require an understanding from the public about what and how results will change the systems for the better as well as the worse. What is in the best interest of our people? Will this benefit the targeted audience, or will it benefit corporations? Is there a way to benefit both?

I say all of this because I am truly baffled by the marriage equality issue still making headlines. Now don’t get me wrong, I understand it is part of how progress works, but I cannot help but take a HUGE step back and look at the big picture (one I think so many miss).  People are so caught up in the goal of what they are pushing for, that I believe they forget about the objectives to accomplish before they can get there. I want to further explore a few ideas, and hopefully make a few points about this topic. My goal here is not to prove anything right or wrong; I simply want to open some minds to the concepts that are either being pushed aside or ignored altogether.

      The “Gay Agenda”
An agenda is nothing but a plan for something to be done. Now, call me crazy, but wouldn’t any respectable person, group, or organization develop an agenda in order to adequately move toward their desired goal? It’s nearly required for anything from planning a vacation to running for president. So why all of a sudden is the LGBT community being called out for having or pushing an agenda? And to even expand on that further, aren’t those advocating and lobbying against marriage equality also pushing their own agenda? And just for fun, extrapolating this even further, why does pushing an agenda have to be viewed in a negative light? I mean, isn’t that how women’s rights were established? How about those who pushed to dissolve segregation? Oh, and let us not forget those who advocated for domestic violence to actually be punishable by law. And last but certainly not least, how about those who pushed, and made possible, the repeal of prohibition, which allows you to do things like go to Vegas, get hammered and then marry a stranger and really make a mockery out of “marriage”, but that’s neither here nor there, I guess.

I understand that some groups and organizations have agendas which promote unhealthy, harmful and detrimental objectives, but such outliers cannot be used to generalize the concept of what an agenda can actually do for others.

      “Protecting the Institution of Marriage”
Where do I begin on this one? I will start by asking, what exactly is it that they are protecting? I mean, really. For close to the majority of those who partake in the festivities as they enter into the “institution” of marriage, it ends in divorce (statistically speaking, this is fact). With as rampant as divorce is these days, I could throw out a fallacy and say by protecting marriage you are indirectly also protecting divorce, but I will leave that alone.

 In the debate, those advocating against marriage equality use the words “institution” and “sanctity” interchangeably. While to most, this would appear to be just fine, however, let us really take a look at how different those words really are when it comes to using them in this debate. Assigning the word institution to marriage, it simply means an established custom. Now, throw in the word sanctity, and you have developed the spiritual nature of the concept of marriage. So which are they protecting?

On one hand, we have an institution that, for many, is broken, where marriage is a money making business, the wedding is a bigger idea than the actual vows, and if at first you don’t succeed, marry 5 more times….or until you “find the one for you”. On the other hand, we have the sanctity of marriage. Is this really relevant in most marriages anymore? Is the “holy” still in “holy matrimony? And if it is, then why aren’t groups putting their time and resources into improving what they are so diligently protecting, because last time I checked, according to those defending the “traditional” definition of marriage for moral/spiritual reasons, divorce should be viewed as unacceptable, not a convenience.

3     Hypocrisy
Christians judging other Christians for judging other people. The irony in this is truly poetic.

Backwards Thinking
What if we as a people looked at this topic (or any topic of debate for that matter) like this:
Work FOR something rather than AGAINST. Not to work against a definition, but to work for it. This does not mean conform to and agree with something that violates your beliefs. It simply means, if you truly believe in your definition of marriage, work for THAT definition to matter to YOU and YOUR traditions. Working so hard against something that doesn’t directly affect you and your family is a waste of time, energy and resources. Instead, work toward creating and repairing a system that has taken the purity/holiness out of the concept of marriage. Work toward advocating for more education in the school setting, churches, and beyond on what marriage is, what it means in your congregation’s context, how to maintain healthy relationships, how to avoid dangerous/toxic relationships, how to get through the hard, and how to minimize divorce rates by focusing on the value of the exchanged vows “for better or for worse”.

Whether LGBT or straight, work toward something you can be wholly proud of. A goal that promotes and perpetuates tolerance without resorting to behaviors that wreak of a sense of entitlement and/or righteousness. Work toward understanding what you think you are saying when you say “for liberty and justice for all”. Whatever you identify as, do your part by leading by example and hope your influence is enough to enlighten and open minds to the idea that we can share love for one another despite how they may love. If your spirituality hinders you from the ability to accept some forms of love, then your only responsibility would be to keep leading by your definition of a good example and pray others will follow. If you are finding resentment in your heart toward those who cannot understand why people aren’t accepting of your lifestyle, your only responsibility is to encourage tolerance by avoiding hypocrisy and continue to embrace the differences in our community. Bottom line, no matter the side you choose to stand with, it becomes irrelevant when you realize everyone is fighting for the same thing: love.