Moving On...

So, here I am, wanting to write and not knowing where to even begin...

The last week or so, I have felt...angry, I guess you could say. For many reasons, but mainly for the way I feel trapped. Lately, things had been going relatively well for me, and then not so much. Things were looking up, and then not so much. I have felt that things aren't fair, but I am also tired of victim mentality. So annoying.

I have tried to handle everything with as much poise, grace, consideration, and respect as possible. I tried to promise myself I would not get angry, or mad, or mean. Those things just don't fit with how I like to handle/manage/process things and situations. BUT, here I am... mad, angry, and resentful. These things have no room in my heart, but I forgot about my head.... there's plenty of room there. I guess these feelings were inevitable, but I can still handle these feelings productively.

Sometimes, I wish I could be the asshole everyone wants me to be. And lately, I have come close. But what I can be is real. I can admit that I have not been fair to myself. I have not put myself as my priority. I have taken responsibility for more than I should, and I have allowed my feelings to manifest in ways that are emotionally self-destructive. This has got to stop. It is time for me. It is time I redefine, re-establish, and rediscover myself. I have been thirsty for this, but couldn't find my way to it... until today.

I walked into what, for years, has been my home. When I opened the door, the most familiar place in the world did not feel familiar at all. It just suddenly wasn't the same. For the first time, I felt like I shouldn't be there. I have had unpleasant feelings walking into the house ever since the break-up, but never have I felt like this. I stood in the middle of the living room floor, petting the dogs, completely void of emotion. I looked around as if I have never seen the place before, and it hit me... this is no longer my life, nor will it be again... and for some reason, I was completely fine with that notion. I have been very clear in understanding that she was not coming back, but this is the first time I realized I don't want her to. The clarity on that hit me like a brick. I sobbed...not out of sadness, but because I felt relieved. I finally let go of the parts of this situation that has been holding me back from focusing on what is important to me. For so long, I have been focusing so hard on how I was going to fathom moving forward, that I forgot to start moving altogether. And now that I have taken steps forward, going backward just no longer makes any sense.

I took the long way back to work. As I drove, I realized I have taken away permission from myself to understand my worth. I have doubted my worth for weeks. I have allowed the situation to define my worth. Well, guess what?! I am a good fucking (sorry, not sorry) person. I deserve more. I have a great heart, with a good soul, with plenty to give, and a hell of a lot to learn. I deserve a happiness that matches my value. I am intelligent, I love hard, and I am learning how to stand up for myself in a way that protects me from my vulnerabilities. I am learning from my experiences rather than dwelling in them. 

I still hold on to hope...but not hope for us to work out. Rather, hope that I continue to love without fear. I am still trying to get her back...but the her is now me. I've rediscovered parts of me that I have missed for a while, and getting me back is starting to feel really good. Do I still miss her? Of course... but Ive missed me more.  It is no longer about her, or the past, or what could have been. It is about me, moving forward, and toward what is meant to be....

Warning Label

Where to  begin on this one...

The demise of my relationship did not steal the best parts of me. It did not steal my light, it simply dimmed it. It did not steal my joy, it just made me doubt it. And it did not steal my affinity for love, it made me realize my infinite capacity for it.

A relationship ends, and you are left processing your feelings (allll the feelings), picking up the pieces, putting yourself back together, and carrying on...

For me, the carrying on part is like being on a treadmill lately. You are pushing through, as hard as you can, yet you seem to go nowhere. And, it's not that I can't make myself get anywhere, it's that some things are out of my control. I feel like I have been stamped with a huge warning label.... DANGER: JUST GOT OUT OF A 10 YEAR RELATIONSHIP; APPROACH WITH CAUTION! The thing is... I am not mad about it. I can't be. The reservation is extremely valid, I cannot argue with the emotional disposition of the "warning".

What I CAN say, however, is that I wholeheartedly appreciate the honesty given to me by another about these reservations. The open communication, the shared concerns, and the willingness to move forward at a reasonable, appropriate pace. It's tough being told by others that you're not ready for certain things...but sometimes, to a certain extent, it's necessary. Their reservations put me in check as well...which is also necessary.

Though... the last few weeks, my heart has danced.

Finding someone unexpectedly, who makes you realize things, feel things, and understand things about yourself that you haven't explored in a while is both extraordinary and terrifying. I have been challenged in so many ways in the past few weeks than I have in the past year. In a good way... a great way actually. Conversations are easy, and organic. I have more clarity, and I feel much more motivated to participate in my own life. Though slowing down isn't easy, it's best... and the fact that slowing down is an option (rather than stopping altogether) makes it feel worth it.

There's something about connection, though, that provokes drive. This one person, in particular, has inspired me to learn more about myself than anyone has in a very, very long time. I feel I have been awaken; to find my purpose, my potential, and to reignite my passion... independently and organically. I don't feel the need to seek other's approval, to make decisions based on their reactions, or feel the need to hold back. I am excited about life, and what it is in the process of leading me to. I feel empowered to make some changes within myself; changes that would make me a stronger, less vulnerable version of myself... which, let's be honest, I've needed for a while. I've been told I don't have a mean bone in my body...that I need some grit. Honestly, I have to agree. I've learned there's a fine line between nice and enabling. Grit separates the difference.

In the past few weeks, I've laughed from deep in my belly, I've connected in ways that I have been missing out on, and I have learned that simple, superficial, silly shared interests actually make all the difference. I've experienced someone who has the same amount of passion for their purpose as I do about mine...maybe even more. Passion about purpose is absolutely beautiful. It's inspiring, and I cannot fathom not having a passion for something. But the fire that burns from this person's heart could warm an entire city... it's extraordinary.

So, to you...the one who I get to go slow with:
The warning label is necessary, but not permanent. It is understandable, but not defining. And if slowing down is what it takes to ensure protection, certainty, and clarity, for both of us,
then I'm perfectly happy with that. I have so much respect for your honesty, clear expectations, and open communication.  I have developed an amazing respect for you, and what you stand for.  I love that you are true to yourself, and are strong to your values of you doing you. I value who you are, and appreciate the way you genuinely care. I thoroughly enjoy the time we spend together, even when it's just for a few hours, and I love that simple things make you happy. I revel in our conversations, as they are both thought-provoking and refreshing, and I could talk to you for hours (obviously). Thank you for your perspective, and for sharing your take on life. You are truly extraordinary, and I am thankful that you unexpectedly wandered into my life...

Turning Pages

The thing about the next chapter is that you have to be ready to turn the page. Your heart has to tell your brain to tell your hand to turn the page. The thing we often overlook in the whole concept of the page turn, is that it doesn't close the book. You don't just unwrite everything before that page. I don't have to wonder if I was ever good enough or if I was ever valued or if I was ever loved because it's already written in my book that I was all of those things, as she was/is to me. It's not like I'm a car that loses half its value once it's driven off the lot. Everything we experience together was real and though we are no longer together, it doesn't make it any less real. And in that realness, that's where we understand that we are better for knowing each other and loving each other and being each other's everything.

So how do we make our hand turn the page? Sometimes we have to put our hands together and pray for God to "grant us the serenity to accept the things that we cannot change, the courage to change the things that we can, and the wisdom to know the difference." That last part... the wisdom to know the difference... It's where I struggle most. Not because I don't understand, but because it makes me hurt.

Before turning the page, though, I think it's so important to answer the question " how the hell did we get here" together. Because through that conversation comes the clarity that you've needed. Does it hurt like a pain you've never felt before? Absolutely. But that conversation maybe the most valuable thing to reassure both people that there was value and worth in every minute that they were together. That it was all for something. That it mattered. And that it always will.

The intricacies of our relationship we're just that... OURS. We were able to talk about the darkest, dustiest corners of our lives, inspire each other, promoted growth, and we saw our best and worst selves....regardless of the outcome. We are each other's biggest fan, rock, and believed in each other when no one else (even ourself) did. The beautiful part about all of that...we still do.

Nothing will change in terms of how amazing I think she is, and I believe she feels the same about me. 10 years together is pivotal in itself, just imagine how many wonderful memories, major life changes, overcomings, experiences, and celebrations that consists of. That doesn't have to change just because we are having to turn the page.

She will still be the person I want to tell all good and bad and big things too first, and the best part about that is that I know I still can. Because I believe she will always root for me and be there for me no matter what. And I for her, always.

For me, anger has no place in any chapter of this journey. Hurt, pain, and cloudiness, sure, but not anger. I know her heart, I know her soul...they are both fierce with extraordinary compassion.

Healing is a process. A journey in itself. In order to begin that process, you have to allow yourself to feel, to grieve, and to be 100% vulnerable to your feelings. You have to be honest with yourself. People don't agree with how I am processing this, and that's okay, because I would never expect anyone to understand.

My heart feels what I won't let my head think, so I focus on the good. I may not feel good, but there was so much more good than bad. So much. And I have to believe that the purpose of a change of this magnitude is for both of us to reach a place within ourselves that only we can discover on our own.

There are people that come in and out of our lives. Then there are those VERY few that come and stay. Then...there are those who the universe planted in your life that take root and grow with you forever, no matter the circumstances. She is my tree, my person. And just because we are turning this page, doesn't mean we won't be written into the next. Our relationship loses its status, not its meaning.

Our lives will not be lived together in the same way, but we haven't lost each other...we have just found a new way to be in each other's lives. And while it is painful, and hard, it's also an opportunity. And that opportunity is embedded in strength, courage, and change...all of which make people better.

Turning the page can be terrifying, but we have to realize that when we turn this page, it's not going to say The End. We aren't even close to it. This chapter, maybe, but not the story. I'm beginning to look forward to what happens next. For both of us. No matter what, she will be my rock, my person, my tree. And I believe she knows I will always be those things for her. We may be turning pages, and our story line may change, but we will still contribute as authors to each other's stories.

Our relationship had more than a purpose. We didn't come this far just to get this far. Our relationship may be over, but our story isn't. It is not "The End", it is simply the beginning of something new. Here's to the new us!

Unequivocally You

You.
All of you.

That's what I love.

There are a million reasons why. But the best part is that you barely know half of them.

I shamelessly love your flaws, and I never grow tired of your imperfections. I would have you no other way.

I never look at you...only within you. For that is where I find the unfiltered version of you. It is where my soul feels most comfortable, and where my heart finds its beat.

My heart celebrates what my mind cannot comprehend, and what a lovely celebration it is. It's a song that doesn't need words, and music that doesn't need sound.

I will never settle for perfect. I want your wildfires and your fury. I want your passions and your purpose. I want your objections, and I want you to challenge me. I want your benevolence and your drive. I crave it all.

I'm in love with knowing this feeling is something I could never achieve on my own. It's insurmountable. It's you.

The End.

Where I stand

There are 2 sides to a difference. We often forget that. We expect people to be like us, to think like us, and to fight for the same things we fight for daily. We forget about the people and ideas that we have to go up against.

We can feel so passionately about something and then wonder how others cannot. We can put our blood, sweat, and tears into causes that other people may not give a care about... and we automatically assume that they are bad people for not caring about the causes we advocate for so wholeheartedly. We think, "do they even have a heart?"
It's hard to keep in mind that people are fighting for things that they believe in just as hard as we are... they just happened to be the some of the exact things that we are fighting against. So you see, we are all doing what we believe is the "right thing to do". Most of us are on our moral high horse, no matter liberal or conservative.
But let's be real for a second:
No matter the outcome of this election, we were still going to go to Starbucks and sip are $4 fancy coffee, sit on our porches with our fancy shoes propped up with our big yards in the background, while we take pictures on our fancy phones, and pick out fancy filters, and make our lives appear as if everything is perfect in our world, like we do every day anyway. We will post pictures of Bible quotes and we will make sure to show the world that we are doing good things, even though on the inside we are a wreck and need the attention. We will pick our perfect flowers, put them in our perfect golden flaked vases, set them on our shabby chic coffee tables and use clever hashtags to describe our priveleged lives. Who is real anymore?
I'm not even sure, but I know what IS real? Love. Love is real.
Trump or no Trump, some of us would still be judged for the way we love. Receiving glares, being called deplorable. Laws or no laws, some people would still bully, say racist/sexist remarks, carry out violent crimes, and discriminate. People will still protest, terrorize, and hate. The government can't fix hate. It can only make consequences for those who get caught.
People can fix hate, though. But not like this. Not by perpetuating the notion that one party has all the answers to all of the problems our nation faces. Yes, it blows ass that some have fought for YEARS to make the progress that has been made, and yes for some it seems as if we've taken 10 giant leaps back. But you know what's great about taking steps back? It's familiar territory. Territory we have navigated, and have gotten through, and prevailed.
I hear "but we fought so hard to get this far"...
Did WE? Can we all really say that? I can honestly say, aside from signing a few petitions, showing up to a few events, and voting, I had no part in the "fight". I didn't protest, I didn't picket, I didn't get on a bullhorn and start chants to get people to listen. I didn't stand in front of places and hand out fliers. I didn't make cold calls to survey how people felt about certain issues. I didn't attempt to write literature to teach tolerance. I didn't write the white house 4 times a month. I didn't join any groups or offer to rally. How many of us can actually say "we fought so hard..."? I am fortunate  to know some who can, but I can't. I just sat on the sidelines and cheered the people on who were doing all the legwork, and selfishly waited until we could reap the benefits of defeat.
THAT is what is wrong with our country. We wait for people to solve our problems. We don't participate in our own victories. We don't stand up and DO something to make progress on issues we deem important to us. We don't REALLY know the value of what we stand for, because we aren't involved enough.
But the country had something to say Nov 8. People showed up. People voted. Some people voted FOR things, and some voted AGAINST. We were left with the crumbs at the bottom of a cookie jar to pick from, and the winner had the hungrier people.
And then the country shattered. I seem to remember a couple of moths ago, my Facebook feed FILLED with phrases like "not all black people are thugs", and "not all Muslims are terrorists" and "not all police are corrupt". Now some of those same people are labeling ALL Trump supporters are racist/misogynistic/homophobic monsters who voted for hate.
Wow. Just wow.
Our country didn't get it wrong by voting for Trump. Our country got it wrong when it they narrowed it down to these two in the first place. We can blame the outcome on the media or on the people who just trusted Facebook to give them information, or the people who were just sick and tired and wanted so badly for things to change. We can blame it on each other, we can blame it on racism, we can blame it on whatever other social injustice there is out there. But blame changes nothing.
If we have to take a step back just to start moving forward again then so be it. We can't just say we've come this far just to give up. We keep going. We hold on tight to the people that believe in the things that we believe in, and want the same things that we want, and want to progress the way that we want to progress... and we move mountains with them! We spend time encouraging each other rather than tearing down people who do not quite see things the way that we see them.
Now is a better time than ever to realize how many people are now willing to speak out for what they believe in. The voter turnout, despite the outcome, spoke volumes about how much progress really has been made.
When we are so disgusted, and when we talk about hate, and when we talked about how disappointed we are and the people of this nation, we completely dismiss and overlook and underestimate the good things that were shown to us through this election. Voter turnout was at a record high several places, the notion of our first female president was a reality. People are more willing than ever to get involved. No matter which way on the pendulum you swing, you realize you have a voice. We can say what we want about either candidate, but we really need to be careful about what we say about each other. We do not have the room or the time for hate.
We are resilient we are vigilant and we are profoundly strong. Once the dust settles we will be able to see clearly again. And it is then that we begin to hold our heads up and march forward, demanding to redefine leadership. Until then, we love. We hope. We keep moving.
So many people are fighting so many battles: socially, economically, spiritually...etc. When we encourage people to speak up and make change, and be leaders...we have to mean it while remembering  people have different views and and they,too, are speaking up and being leaders. On Nov 8, people DID speak up, people DID want change, people DID stand for something. And it showed just how divided we are. Trump didn't win. Hillary didn't lose. America simply quit the game and played the pieces it had left.
Am I happy about the results? I wasn't even happy with the choices. But I have hope that he may surprise us. I have to have hope. I have to believe this huge crack in this system is to simply let light shine through. I have to believe that sometimes you have to break something to make something. This is America's 4th down hail mary....risky, but there's always hope.

A September to {emotionally} Remember

Well, it's September..whether I'm ready for it or not. This time last year my world, and the world's of two of my most favorite people, were slowly crashing. It was the month from hell.

September 18, 2015 - It's the middle of the night, and I rush mj to the ER with 104.2 fever and severe stomach complications. We were in the hospital for 5 nights....very long nights. It was emotionally exhausting, and I felt so helpless. I cannot IMAGINE the horror she endured for that time.. To this day, things are not quite back to 100% normal functioning, but she's much, much better. Effing salmonella. But the support we had and the visitors we had....made a world of difference. Having to dig deeep inside to find strength to stay strong, and diligent, and positive for someone who is at their weakest is really an extraordinary feat. Especially when they are one of the strongest people you know. It was heartbreaking and terrifying to see her in such a state. I can't imagine what it felt like for her.

September 20, 2015 - my sister, Nikki, lost someone near and dear to her to Ovarian Cancer. I only had the privilege to speak to Jess a few times on the phone and through facebook, but man....what a golden human. Nikkis world was shattered with the loss of Jess. There's an unfillable hole in her heart, and her pain is my pain. Again, I was helpless, and could only comfort Nikki with support and kind words. No one can take that pain away or make it okay. But to see Nikki hurt that badly was gut wrenching. Still is.... She thinks about Jess often, and she still hurts deeply, but I think Jess would be proud of who she has grown to be. I am.

September 29, 2015 - I said goodbye to the job I didn't want to leave. But little did I know the real challenges that came with losing a job. It took me EIGHT months to find a job. Eight. What a humbling experience that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. But none of that mattered as much as the loss of the job. They let go of me, but I could not, and still can't, let go of them. I was serving and living my life's calling. I was, and still am, hyper-passionate about that work. And then boom! Grants get cut and I have the rug pulled out from under me. #nonprofitprobs. I could go on and on and on about the emotional scars it left me with, and how much it still pains me today....but I really don't have the emotional energy for that rerun. I'm thankful I am working now, and still helping people that really need it....but it's not the same. I try my hardest to make it the same, but it's not. I like what I do, I LOVE the people....but I'm still grieving, I guess.

September sucked. When circumstances happen that are out of your control, you already feel defeated. And learning what I COULD control and how I COULD be helpful are lessons I'm appreciative for learning. And yes,  I'm emotional as I enter into the month of September this year, but I'm going to try to do something good every single day, so that even if something bad does happen, there was still good. I cannot survive another September like last year's. I don't have the emotional capacity. And I KNOW Melissa and Nikki can do without reliving their September's as well. So, September 1st....I'm not ready for you, but I am up to the challenge of defeating you.

A September to {emotionally} Remember

Well, it's September..whether I'm ready for it or not. This time last year my world, and the world's of two of my most favorite people, were slowly crashing. It was the month from hell.

September 18, 2015 - It's the middle of the night, and I rush mj to the ER with 104.2 fever and severe stomach complications. We were in the hospital for 5 nights....very long nights. It was emotionally exhausting, and I felt so helpless. I cannot IMAGINE the horror she endured for that time.. To this day, things are not quite back to 100% normal functioning, but she's much, much better. Effing salmonella. But the support we had and the visitors we had....made a world of difference. Having to dig deeep inside to find strength to stay strong, and diligent, and positive for someone who is at their weakest is really an extraordinary feat. Eslecially when they are one of the steongest people you know. It was heartbreaking and terrifying to see her in such a state. I can't imagine what it felt like for her.

September 20, 2015 - my sister, Nikki, lost someone near and dear to her to Ovarian Cancer. I only had the privilege to speak to Jess a few times on the phone and through facebook, but man....what a golden human. Nikkis world was shattered with the loss of Jess. There's an unfillable hole in her heart, and her pain is my pain. Again, I was helpless, and could only comfort Nikki with support and kind words. No one can take that pain away or make it okay. But to see Nikki hurt that badly was gut wrenching. Still is.... She thinks about Jess often, and she still hurts deeply, but I think Jess would be proud of who she has grown to be. I am.

September 29, 2015 - I said goodbye to the job I didn't want to leave. But little did I know the real challenges that came with losing a job. It took me EIGHT months to find a job. Eight. What a humbling experience that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. But none of that mattered as much as the loss of the job. They let go of me, but I could not, and still can't, let go of them. I was serving and living my life's calling. I was, and still am, hyper-passionate about that work. And then boom! Grants get cut and I have the rug pulled out from under me. #nonprofitprobs. I could go on and on and on about the emotional scars it left me with, and how much it still pains me today....but I really don't have the emotional energy for that rerun. I'm thankful I am working now, and still helping people that really need it....but it's not the same. I try my hardest to make it the same, but it's not. I like what I do, I LOVE the people....but I'm still grieving, I guess.

September sucked. When circumstances happen that are out of your control, you already feel defeated. And learning what I COULD control and how I COULD be helpful are lessons I'm appreciative for learning. And yes,  I'm emotional as I enter into the month of September this year, but I'm going to try to do something good every single day, so that even if something bad does happen, there was still good. I cannot survive another September like last year's. I don't have the emotional capacity. And I KNOW Melissa and Nikki can do without reliving their September's as well. So, September 1st....I'm not ready for you, but I am up to the challenge of defeating you.

A September to {emotionally} Remember

Well, it's September..whether I'm ready for it or not. This time last year my world, and the world's of two of my most favorite people, were slowly crashing. It was the month from hell.

September 18, 2015 - It's the middle of the night, and I rush mj to the ER with 104.2 fever and severe stomach complications. We were in the hospital for 5 nights....very long nights. It was emotionally exhausting, and I felt so helpless. I cannot IMAGINE the horror she endured for that time.. To this day, things are not quite back to 100% normal functioning, but she's much, much better. Effing salmonella. But the support we had and the visitors we had....made a world of difference. Having to dig deeep inside to find strength to stay strong, and diligent, and positive for someone who is at their weakest is really an extraordinary feat. Eslecially when they are one of the steongest people you know. It was heartbreaking and terrifying to see her in such a state. I can't imagine what it felt like for her.

September 20, 2015 - my sister, Nikki, lost someone near and dear to her to Ovarian Cancer. I only had the privilege to speak to Jess a few times on the phone and through facebook, but man....what a golden human. Nikkis world was shattered with the loss of Jess. There's an unfillable hole in her heart, and her pain is my pain. Again, I was helpless, and could only comfort Nikki with support and kind words. No one can take that pain away or make it okay. But to see Nikki hurt that badly was gut wrenching. Still is.... She thinks about Jess often, and she still hurts deeply, but I think Jess would be proud of who she has grown to be. I am.

September 29, 2015 - I said goodbye to the job I didn't want to leave. But little did I know the real challenges that came with losing a job. It took me EIGHT months to find a job. Eight. What a humbling experience that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. But none of that mattered as much as the loss of the job. They let go of me, but I could not, and still can't, let go of them. I was serving and living my life's calling. I was, and still am, hyper-passionate about that work. And then boom! Grants get cut and I have the rug pulled out from under me. #nonprofitprobs. I could go on and on and on about the emotional scars it left me with, and how much it still pains me today....but I really don't have the emotional energy for that rerun. I'm thankful I am working now, and still helping people that really need it....but it's not the same. I try my hardest to make it the same, but it's not. I like what I do, I LOVE the people....but I'm still grieving, I guess.

September sucked. When circumstances happen that are out of your control, you already feel defeated. And learning what I COULD control and how I COULD be helpful are lessons I'm appreciative for learning. And yes,  I'm emotional as I enter into the month of September this year, but I'm going to try to do something good every single day, so that even if something bad does happen, there was still good. I cannot survive another September like last year's. I don't have the emotional capacity. And I KNOW Melissa and Nikki can do without reliving their September's as well. So, September 1st....I'm not ready for you, but I am up to the challenge of defeating you.

The Red, White and American Blues

Orlando...what a pivotal eye opener for so many reasons. And I'm sure if we collected all the hashtags related to this tragedy, it would be just as effed up as the situation itself. You don't have to live in Orlando to feel the ramifications of what happened. Orlando is OURlando. So no matter what political high point resonated with you most out of this situation, bottom line is, it's a problem. Whether it be the LGBT issues, gun control, terrorism, public safety, mental health, or religion....it doesn't matter.
When people who consider themselves American begin to even slightly empathize with terrorists based on the group they target, that's a problem. When people know everything about the Kardashians but don't know the words to the National al Anthem, that's a problem. When people without jobs are living more comfortably that middle class workers, that's a problem. When hypocrisy is embedded into the norm, that's a problem. When the media is so manipulative that no one knows what's legit and what's not, that is a problem.
In order for us to "make America great again", we have to know what it means to actually be Americans. What sacrifice really means. What progress really looks like. We have to understand that standing united doesn't mean everyone has the same views and positions in life. What FREEDOM and BRAVERY really are. Home of the free does not mean you are entitled to have things handed to you merely because you're an American. The only thing you are entitled to is opportunity...and you have to take those yourself. You are not afforded the freedom to play God, no matter how richeous you feel you are. And for the love of all things good, Freedom isn't synonymous with inconsequential.

American pride doesn't mean you take for granted your liberties. Pride means you understand, honor and appreciate how and why we have those liberties in the first place, and you stand up for and defend them. You are mindful of those fighting for our freedoms. You honor and protect the American flag. Being a decent human being is a small task compared to the sacrifices being made to defend the right to do believe and think and speak the way we want.
It doesn't mean conforming to things we don't understand or agree with. It means, that despite our differences, our neighbors are our brothers and sisters of red white and blue. We have become so desensitized to the name of our country...so very little do we use her whole name....we call her by her last name, "America", as if we even really know her anymore. I think words are important for depth and meaning. We don't live in America...we live in the United States of America. We need to get back to knowing what that really means.
It's not making light of horrific curcumstances, it's being the light in those circumstances. We don't praise terrorists for "taking out the gays". We don't perpetuate racial discrimination by poisoning the image of the police by over generalizing their objectives. We don't say that because it's a gay bar it has nothing to do with those who are not gay. We don't say that because so and so doesn't go to church as frequently as others they aren't Christians, or that they are going to hell. We dont say "all lives matter" and then continue to degrade one another. NONE of that is for us to say.
What we say is please and thank you. We say united we stand. We say God bless America. We say love prevails. We say love thy neighbor. We say justice for all. And when we are crossed, we protect ourselves and our own. When our country has been terrorized, we come together. We have ALL been offended, and we all stand up for liberty. We don't turn a blind eye to tragedy and minimize destruction because it only targets a certain "controversial" demographic. What we should turn a blind eye to is WHY someone/a group would cause such devistation....because what does it really effing matter? The "why" doesn't change the end result.
Our country is just that...OURS. We sit here and judge and hate and discriminate, and blame, and shame others so much that being offended has become offensive. Divided we fall....and we have fallen in so many ways. But after a fall, we must get back up. It shouldn't be "make America great again"...it should be "make America United again".

That Leadership Has Sailed...

Somehow, we as a people have taken leadership and internalized it. It's so singular. It has become about numbers and rankings and socioeconomic class. It's about endorsements and personal recognition. Personal records and stats.
When did we start playing for the name on the back of our jerseys instead of the front? When did the PART we play not include a WHOLE? When did we start finding value in competing against our own teammates, rather than with them? And when did we start using excuses over truth or reasoning? When did we stop taking responsibility or accountability?
Growing up, I learned that leadership was taking initiative as a part of something for the betterment of the whole. I learned that leadership is selfless, it's guidance, it's setting an example. It's taking criticism and turning it into strength and bravery. It's observing. It's taking your own mistakes and asking how to change them. It's observing others mistakes and learning from them. It's about not letting our own pride stand in the way of being there for the rest of the team.
It's about casting out your characteristics, and putting yourself out there without the fear of failure. It's about letting go of excuses and holding on to faith and perseverance. It's about being resilient. It's about taking a bad day and making the next one better with no exception. I never felt a sense of entitlement. We were aware of our own talents and flaws, but we learned the talents and flaws of our teammates as well, because only then could we reach our full potential. Ego was not boisterous, and we were encouraging rather than discouraging.

Leadership taught me about being appreciative, not how to demand it. It taught me how to excel in life. It taught me that my individual strength has value for not only me, but as an asset to my network or team. You don't outgrow leadership...it manifests itself into all aspects of your life. If you choose to internalize leadership, then you might ultimately be choosing to short yourself of the skills it takes to be successful in a world made ip of all sorts of teams, traditions and networks.

No matter what kind of team you are a part of, whether it is sports, work, family, group, band...etc, you are a part of something bigger than yourself! You are representing your family, school, company, community, or organization. You represent the pride and traditions of something others built for you before your time, so who are you to tarnish that with your unappreciative attitude? You cannot stand tall if you cannot learn to rise with your team.
As for me, I'd build my team/network from heart, drive, motivation, discipline, adaptability, and selflessness over strictly talent ANY day! If I had a team who possessed all the talent in the world and felt entitled to their earnings, it would be hard to convince them I could teach them anything more. Those who have heart...they are the ones that crave personal growth. Plant your seeds wisely.