I've written this over and over, trying to get it right. To make sure that what I say holds the value and worth it deserves. But the truth is, no matter what I say or how I say it, it will never be good enough.
I have experienced tremendous loss in less than 12 months time. And regrettably, very few people will understand how these losses were so profound for me.Newsome, the first one I lost, was one of those rare find friends that you meet in the most peculiar way, and you just stick. And there's a certain mysterious magic that happens when you acquire such a close friend that had no interaction with your other friend groups. A certain sense of freedom from subjective biases when you need perspective about what goes on in your everyday world. A person you can count on for literally ANYTHING because they are just that loyal and dependable. The drop a pin for a hug invite kind of friend when you text them that you've had a bad day. The check on you, send you new music, celebrate and encourage you kind of friend that does all these things from behind the scenes, just to ensure you're always supported. The friend that trusts you with their thoughts and feelings when they don't trust anyone with anything. Raw conversations about fears, goals, insecurities, and strengths. Openness about internal struggles, and grandiose ideas about how we were going to solve the world's problems.
BeBe, the most recent loss, left me with no words. A best friend for nearly 30 years, gone. In an instant. No warning. Just resounding heartbreak that provokes awareness just enough to feel pain in its most real form. Wounds far deeper than superficial cuts and bruises, the news penetrated deep enough to strangle my heart instantly. And at an unbearably slow pace, the grip of that hold perpetually reminds me that sadness is palpable. BeBe was everything you wanted in a friend and platonic soul mate. He was my safe place for so long. I loved him so much, and I knew he loved me...unconditionally and altruistically. We were very protective of each other. Brutally honest with each other. And very much attuned to each other. From being a huge part of my teenage and early adulthood years, we spent so much time experiencing pivotal milestones together. We continued being a huge part of each other's entire adult life, experiencing moments of celebration and sorrow for all big and small happenings in our lives. We've never not had each other. Until now.
Both of these men were essential to my life, and I'd like to believe I was essential to theirs. Necessary sources of oxygen in a world suffocating on polluted populations of disingenuous people. Lifelines that were reciprocated between them and me. Embedded so far into each other's lives, we could never imagine life without the other in it. Until we are forced to. Were...until we were forced to.
I'm not a fan of the reminders that life is short. But it is. And every single day is an opportunity to do something great with it. To love people harder. To let go of the bad things faster. To travel down unfamiliar roads more. And to dwell less. Truth be told, every day we run out of time. And frankly, I'm tired of learning that the hard way.
