Climb On

You know what ironically doesnt discriminate? Pain and heartbreak. It's universal, and it's a language everyone understands in some way, whether it's a break up, divorce, death, trauma, or a string of bad news. But love and restoration are also universal. This time last year I was in a pretty dark place. It wasnt just because of one thing, rather it was dealing with a lot of loss (including myself). I celebrated nothing. I was forced to go to breakfast for my birthday (which I am so thankful for now), and I had given up on trying to be genuinely happy for the time being. This year, however, I feel like I have an overwhelming amount of things to celebrate. And I realized how dark it was after losing focus of what I've gained over what I've lost. Sheesh, what a difference a year makes.

I could write about those hardships and difficulties I have faced, but I choose not to. Truth is, everyone faces them. If I'm going to look back over the last year, I choose to focus on what I have gained and accomplished instead. I choose to focus on the restoration.

I went to my first broadway show,
ran my 4th half marathon, got promoted at work, made new forever friends, started development on non-profit, achieved a healthier version of myself, celebrated my sisters engagement/marriage, raised my credit score, paid off a credit card, went on dates, had more first kisses, my blog reached 5 countries and had over 1200 views, went to therapy, went to Cali where I rode a road bike, partied, walked a suspension bridge, and where my comfort zone was challenged in more ways than I can count. I was blessed with the opportunity to be a part of a campaign that won LLS Woman of the Year. I learned more about loss and death, and how through the pain, they plant seeds for growth around everything and everyone they knew. I've reunited with people that will never not have residence in my heart, and I'm going on month 6 or 7 being vegan. I finally got to meet my best friend's girlfriend, and more importantly, I got to see (in person) how happy she is and how far she has come as well. I have learned how to take things in stride, to say 'yes' more to adventure and to say 'no' more to work-related pressures. Stress has recently knocked me to the floor, but I have a very strong support system that has helped me get back to health. I am finding balance in my life, and I have learned to love my new normal.

And... I took risks. For what seemed like forever, I was so incredibly scared to let people into my heart, as it was under construction. To take the risk, to chance feeling pain again seemed irresponsible to me. But risk is hardly risk when your heart is given back to you. Like a boomerang. And if you dont take risks, you miss out on moving mountains. On progress. On opportunities that fill holes and bury doubt.

I let my guard down, despite my unwavering determination not to. I didnt gently hand my heart over, I threw it. At the time, it didnt make any sense to me why I would do that. But, the concept of time introduced me to the art of indulging in experiences, and not taking opportunities for granted. But what I did not expect was my heart to be given right back to me. To get to experience how I love from someone else. Dont get me wrong, I feel I dont deserve it at times because I'm still trying to figure out balance and overcoming the fear of loss, but having said that, it doesnt diminish the capacity of the love I recieve, daily. I've learned it's not about giving your heart away...its about finding one whose beat has been missing from the soundtrack of your existence. And you dont know that it has been missing until you hear it. And it's the song that introduces the biggest plot twist... the one that makes you say "I did NOT see that coming, but I'm so glad it did."

So closing out a year that has been an uphill climb is bittersweet.... because this view from the top is overwhelmingly satisfying and breathtaking. A view that allows me to see all that I've been blessed with (the good and the bad). A view that puts into perspective the reward that arises from risk, sacrifice, and determination.

I have done well with forgiveness this year, for others, but mostly to myself. Theres so much more I want/need to work on still, and so opportunities will not be taken for granted.

In 2019 I'm challenging myself to make more meaningful connections with others. To live a more purpose-filled life, and to put myself first sometimes. To lift others up, and when they are up, I will let them know their work has not gone unnoticed. I will gossip less, and brag on those around me more. I will be more present. I will celebrate good news, and I will look for silver linings in the bad.

So, Happy New Year, and cheers to finding your next mountain to climb. May the views continue to be extraordinary.